In place

Trying to remain hopeful
Tring to remain open
Trying to remain optimistic
And listen to the messages
From the universe.

But struggling.

Realising today
That I am once again
reliant on the mask.

The mask that
I worked so hard
To live without.

That I was able to
Discard
Through acceptance of
And kindness to
Myself.

The ine I once again
Need to wear
In order to
Find a way to live
Without offending
those around me.

I feel so misunderstood
And unappreciated
And unworthy
And judged.

In a world
Full of people
Who write me off
And put me down
Without even trying to understand
Me
Or my struggles.

Trying to listen
To the universe
But getting
Mixed messages.

The synchronicities are strong
And powerful
And they resonate
But they tell me one thing
In one moment
And the opposite
The next.

Knowing
That there are many things
To work on
And that many of my actions
Do not heed the good advice
That is in my heart and my head
But not knowing
How to stop
Self sabotaging.

Knowing
I am being told
That these things are important
That they need to change
But needing the distraction
They provide.

Knowing
That I am a challenge
And knowing
That most find it difficult
And deal with this
Based on their own
Experiences
Strengths
And weaknesses
But when I am deemed
To have no offsetting value
Is demoralising.

I don't deserve
To be treated like shit
And I have a right
To stand up for myself
But this only makes it harder
To get along.

The mask is safer.

It disrespects
My spirit
And my soul.

But it is the only way
To make it through.

I feel
And I speak
But these things
Are not valued.

Broken friendships.

Broken heart.

Trusting no one.

Safer to withdraw
And to only come out
When my mask
Is securely in place.