The Meanings

It's almost too hot to move
but move I have.

If only I could
maintain this level of motivation
every day.

Trying to avoid going outside.

Passed on a social event
that I was really looking forward to
and was keen to take the kids along to as well
and while I would have really liked to go
the ridiculously hot weather was the reason not to go
not an excuse not to go
and that is progress.

A little something
of the many things
that came from a recent
serendipitous encounter
was that I will get more at the minute
from doing things in the sun
rather than doing things under the moon
because the moon is also a mirror to the sun.

Is this talking about balance?

Is this talking about re-emergence?

So many things to contemplate
but I'm actually looking forward
to piecing together
the meanings.

Change It Now

I can't work out
if my life is currently
too complicated
or not complicated enough.

It's true that
the story of my life so far
is pretty complicated
(we wouldn't want it to be boring now, would we?)
but my day to day
of actual living
is no where near
as complicated as it has been in the past
and yet
I still have many days
where I feel like
I have been running
for a million years
and I am weary to my very soul
so that the simplest of tasks
is a momentous victory
and therefore
makes my life
appear to be a pathetic waste.

I've really felt
that this forced simplification
was the universes way
of giving me
the opportunities I need
to follow my path
but it has been ever so long now
and I know I have made progress
but that progress seems
so intangible to me
that I find myself
thinking about making
some really huge changes
and really shaking my world up
and turning it all upside down
so I can start with a clean slate
and put the pieces back how I want them.

But the reality is
that I have dependents
and I need to consider
the implications
of all I do
and how it will
affect them.

This has also been my choice.

But as I approach my 36th birthday
and realise
this has been my pattern of limitations
for half of my life
as I have been doing this now
since I was 18
it really worries me
and I don't know what to do
to change it now.

To Do

Sometimes
it's as if
I can actually
feel
the world moving.

That incessant turning
that I am simple
not part of.

It rattles
in the hollow corners
of my endless mind
adn does me no good
what so ever.

Rarely
(though rarely is not never)
do I feel
like I am moving
in sync
with the world.

More often
it is like
I am sitting somewhere
just beyond the rim
and if I reach out
my fingertips
almost get
within skimming distance
but I never know
where the rim
is smooth as it looks
or whether it is
deceptively sharp
and will burn the skin
from my fingers
with it's unstoppable
friction.

At the minute
yes
I can feel the world moving
and no
I do not feel
like I am part of that movement
but I finally feel
like I am moving too.

Moving along my own course
that I have to trust in
whether I can see it or not
as that is the only path
I have to follow
and I am the only one
who will ever
be able to follow it
as I am destined to do.