Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Me Thinks, Perhaps

I didn't get to the Samhain ritual tonight and am very disappointed but am owning this as my choice even though it was not actually my preference. I understand there is a difference.

We all make sacrifices and balancing the demands and responsibilities of our daily lives often pulls us in more than one direction and we aren't always completely happy with the outcome.

I did stay calm though and refused to let it deteriorate into an argument, which was good. And, I did make all the points that I felt needed to be made, which was also good. In fact, I think the term is actually "good, good", as I am fond of saying.

There is, however, clearly no time that it is ever ok for me to escape from the zoo for non-widdie-related pursuits or for tasks that have not been allocated, suggested or pre-approved outside of a indeterminable notification period. There is also clearly nothing that I can ever do, accept, give up or go through that will ever offer me the level of respect that I feel I deserve.

Don't get me wrong, there is great respect, and enormous love; they're just usually conditional. Usually? Well, I'm not sure if it's exactly "usually" that way, but I do find myself thinking it a lot. But I expect that happens when one is being a 'glass half empty' person, as I think that I just may be being about this right now because I am, at heart, still a petulant child who is having the adult equivalent of a tanty because she didn't get her own way. My words there. And I guess it's not really a tanty but the point is that I know that on the points of love and respect I will feel fervently and passionately in the positive in a day or so. Perhaps.

Something that I am really struggling with as far as perspective though is that I know that there is no scoreboard and that the only way to have effective give and take on any level and in any type of relationship, whether on a personal level, professional lever or otherwise, is if no one keeps count. But, man, I've been through a lot for this guy because I believe in my heart that he is wonderful and that he is one of the good guys and that this is where I am meant to be in the universe.

The thing is I have been through too many years of denying myself and all of the aspects of myself that I have always rejoiced in just because they don't fit his picture.

It's a long road and it has changed a lot through my persistence and the boundaries I have set and strengthened as we have gone along but it's sure not how I pictured things, let me tell you.

I don't actually think it usually is how most people pictured it and am not actually speaking with regret here either. If anything, there are more wonderful things in my life than I ever dreamed of and when I think about the things that I have to bemoan and the things that I don't have to bemoan, and tally them against my priorities and personal values, I am just so fortunate to have the life I do, including all of the people in it.

But that doesn't mean I am not allowed to wail and moan when I don't get to do the things that I want to do and it doesn't mean that I will accept being made to feel guilty for not wanting to spend my life as a brainless, boring, downtrodden housemaid. I'm sorry, folks, but that just aint me.

For most things where there is are differences of opinion regarding attendance, I usually just go anyway, and have a great time and accept that the pre-show entertainment is just par for the course, but for ritual, particularly Samhain, it's a different kettle of fish. Even in an open circle and even with the post-release joy I would bring, I would still be bringing the wrong energy. This was a big factor in why I ultimately made the choice I did to not go.

So, I'll make sure I celebrate Samhain as a solitary this year. I will honour those who I have been thinking about tonight in two days time, when it is truly our southern hemisphere's All Hallows Eve and I will still enjoy the beauty and solemn reflection of this time with dignity and love in my heart.

I can still make my choices, even though they aren't always my preferred option, and continue on the path that I have chosen. Although I hate the imagery in this analogy, it's a bit like losing the battle to win the war. I am still working towards being the me I want to be; I said what I wanted to say and the final outcome will still support my ideals, even if it wasn't the path that I thought was the most direct one to where I was heading.

Me thinks, perhaps, I learnt far more than I was expecting - and that I possibly wasn't the only one.


Hippy Witch said...

It's a tough road being the downtrodden house maid and mother, I remember it well. You will get to a point in your life where you will know that with men it is important to keep count and point it out because they are not like us, they believe that your role is to be theirs in every sense of the word, they need to be taught that you are actually an individual human being who loves him and has made many sacrifices for that love, and he needs to learn to give you the same. In my experience, you will only ever get the respect that you demand. We missed you, it was a lovely night. Blessings to you

Jen said...

Tough one Wendy.

I understand your predicament also.

Very early on I had to assert my need (and right) to go out if I choose to fulfil my spiritual and personal needs. I dont abuse it, but he does understand if there sometimes are more times I am away other then my regular night.

If for no other reason then 'a happy mum means a happy family'.