Me Thinks, Perhaps

I didn't get to the Samhain ritual tonight and am very disappointed but am owning this as my choice even though it was not actually my preference. I understand there is a difference.

We all make sacrifices and balancing the demands and responsibilities of our daily lives often pulls us in more than one direction and we aren't always completely happy with the outcome.

I did stay calm though and refused to let it deteriorate into an argument, which was good. And, I did make all the points that I felt needed to be made, which was also good. In fact, I think the term is actually "good, good", as I am fond of saying.

There is, however, clearly no time that it is ever ok for me to escape from the zoo for non-widdie-related pursuits or for tasks that have not been allocated, suggested or pre-approved outside of a indeterminable notification period. There is also clearly nothing that I can ever do, accept, give up or go through that will ever offer me the level of respect that I feel I deserve.

Don't get me wrong, there is great respect, and enormous love; they're just usually conditional. Usually? Well, I'm not sure if it's exactly "usually" that way, but I do find myself thinking it a lot. But I expect that happens when one is being a 'glass half empty' person, as I think that I just may be being about this right now because I am, at heart, still a petulant child who is having the adult equivalent of a tanty because she didn't get her own way. My words there. And I guess it's not really a tanty but the point is that I know that on the points of love and respect I will feel fervently and passionately in the positive in a day or so. Perhaps.

Something that I am really struggling with as far as perspective though is that I know that there is no scoreboard and that the only way to have effective give and take on any level and in any type of relationship, whether on a personal level, professional lever or otherwise, is if no one keeps count. But, man, I've been through a lot for this guy because I believe in my heart that he is wonderful and that he is one of the good guys and that this is where I am meant to be in the universe.

The thing is I have been through too many years of denying myself and all of the aspects of myself that I have always rejoiced in just because they don't fit his picture.

It's a long road and it has changed a lot through my persistence and the boundaries I have set and strengthened as we have gone along but it's sure not how I pictured things, let me tell you.

I don't actually think it usually is how most people pictured it and am not actually speaking with regret here either. If anything, there are more wonderful things in my life than I ever dreamed of and when I think about the things that I have to bemoan and the things that I don't have to bemoan, and tally them against my priorities and personal values, I am just so fortunate to have the life I do, including all of the people in it.

But that doesn't mean I am not allowed to wail and moan when I don't get to do the things that I want to do and it doesn't mean that I will accept being made to feel guilty for not wanting to spend my life as a brainless, boring, downtrodden housemaid. I'm sorry, folks, but that just aint me.

For most things where there is are differences of opinion regarding attendance, I usually just go anyway, and have a great time and accept that the pre-show entertainment is just par for the course, but for ritual, particularly Samhain, it's a different kettle of fish. Even in an open circle and even with the post-release joy I would bring, I would still be bringing the wrong energy. This was a big factor in why I ultimately made the choice I did to not go.

So, I'll make sure I celebrate Samhain as a solitary this year. I will honour those who I have been thinking about tonight in two days time, when it is truly our southern hemisphere's All Hallows Eve and I will still enjoy the beauty and solemn reflection of this time with dignity and love in my heart.

I can still make my choices, even though they aren't always my preferred option, and continue on the path that I have chosen. Although I hate the imagery in this analogy, it's a bit like losing the battle to win the war. I am still working towards being the me I want to be; I said what I wanted to say and the final outcome will still support my ideals, even if it wasn't the path that I thought was the most direct one to where I was heading.

Me thinks, perhaps, I learnt far more than I was expecting - and that I possibly wasn't the only one.