For Very Long

Had a bit of a crazy week; I seemed to be all over the shop. The big question for me this weekend is why are some things ok some days but completely intolerable on other days? Sometimes I have patience, sometimes I let things slide, sometimes I think about hurtful memories in a detached way. But then, on other days, it all seems to get on top of me and I really struggle.

I've been enjoying work and it has made me start to re-assess where I'm at and where I want to be in terms of a career and just my life in general. I have never really enjoyed being a stay at home mum but this time I have been surprised to find that I have actually quite liked it. I do think that has run it's course now though and this time is coming to an end. That has part of what my last two posts have been about - what I want to do with my life and I have been pretty inspired and felt that so many of the possibilities were actually quite feasible. I know most of it is a state of mind, as is most things with me.

I've been getting up at 6am for the past few weeks and really *trying* to get to bed at 10pm (says she at almost 10.30pm). My mind and body are really starting to get used to it now and I'm very glad for this self-imposed change in routine. I've also been on the exercise bike every morning this week. I started at just 15 minutes, which is realistic, and am up to 20 minutes now. I'd like to be up to 30 minutes by the end of the week and stay around there for a while. The time frame is more about state of mind than fitness - although I am not very fit, I am really not challenging myself physically as yet, it's more getting motivated and being able to fit it into my morning routine before the kids get up. It's a very good way to start the day and I am also enjoying that immensely.

On Thursday, though, I was angry. The widdies were annoying each other and driving me crazy in the process and I just had no patience. I did well to get them off to school/care without yelling, but it was pretty close - it's particularly hard not to raise your voice when they are yelling at each other and you're struggling just to get them to notice you at all. I had a good day at work but evenings are pretty stressful and I was completely over being ignored and argued with over the simplest of instructions so ended up pretty cranky on Thursday afternoon.

Then there was Friday and The Starchild to contend with. It was a very long week for him and there are a few things that I am trying to deal with in terms of family that aren't sitting well on my heart and the reality of it is that he is no bloody support at all. The cold hard facts are that the life I live is the result of my own choices but some days I'm just not that happy about that and this has been the case in the last few days.

I had a wonderful sisterhood day at the cottage on Saturday and did step out of my comfort zone a little with the Master/Mistress Witch competition - I'm not really a competitive person and I was really disappointed in myself at the very basic stuff that has been part of my life for so long that I couldn't remember. I was happy that I made it through a few rounds when I really felt that I deserved to be eliminated in round one but I guess that's the story of my life, well, some days I think it is anyway.

Saturday afternoon was a shocker. The Starchild had promised the widdies that they and all of the neighbourhood kids could go in the pool when I got home to sit out there and watch them. This is something we've discussed before but he just doesn't get it that we have a different idea of what I find fun and how anything he is doing shouldn't necessarily take priority over what I am doing (whether he knows what I'm doing or planning on doing or not). Yep, I'm really hitting whinge-mode now but well, that's just where I'm at.

Today there was, of course, more issues because I make my own choices of what I'm going to do and they don't always centre around sacrificing all of my time and energy to others. Things somehow settled this afternoon. Nothing was particularly said or done; things just seemed calmer.

I'm ready for bed now and hoping that my mood will have lifted tomorrow and that I get some of my natural energy back. There are so many things that I want to do and so much that I am excited about that I really don't want to stay where I am at the moment for very long.