Thursday, October 1, 2009

True and Worthwhile

The last few posts are really resonating with me in terms of life direction - a path that I have been on but one that seemed to have been meandering through overgrown trees and bushes with nothing much in the way of scenery but an abundance of tricks of the light through the wind-tickled leaves.

Yesterday, I made a decision. It's a subject that I have been dancing around for a while and a simple enough question but one that I couldn't make my mind up on. I am a reasonably career-focused person, or, at least, I have been in the past. Well, once I had children and realised the huge backwards leaps one takes in these circumstances and determined to try to claw back some of the ground that I had lost.

I firmly believe that the person who first said that you can't have your cake and eat it too should be given a big pat on the back for the truistic nature of that statement and then promptly kicked in the groin for the very same reason. I've long known that I'm not full-time mum material but at the same time have acknowledged that I cannot really inject the unwavering dedication into a job that I feel inspired to do were that my only responsibility in life. During this time I thought that I was working towards a healthy balance between the two extremes but just lately I have realised the sad truth that my career has really been my family and I will never reach the heights that I dreamed of in the work place.

Sounds like a bit of a pity party, doesn't it? Well, maybe a bit but there is a silver lining to that cloud (and the guy who said that can have the pat on the back without the kick in the groin, wouldn't you say?) and the silver lining is simply that my dreams were entirely worthy but just slightly askew. I can reach those heights but I can't do it working for the man.

When The Starchild and I first started the business I thought that I was getting back on track and was very surprised to not the intense lack of intensity that emanated from my every pour in regards to the business. Sure, I do what I have to do to make it work, but not to make it soar. The problem is not the method, its the means. It's just not something that I'm passionate about and, as a passionate person, it just doesn't work for me. Without wanting to turn this post into a cliche-a-thon, I shouldn't be throwing the baby out with the bathwater. I don't need to toss the whole idea just because the initial incarnation doesn't float my boat.

But, back to this decision thingo I've made. When I was feeling disillusioned with the direction of the business and particularly with the lack of soul-stimulous I was getting from my work (which is kinda like job-satisfaction only on a very acute and intense scale, such is the plane I operate on) and I started with the temp work, I got a bit of that spark back. Me being me, I decided to start adding kindling and gently blowing and before I knew it I was disregarding all of the logic (even if it really was non-Wendy-logic) that had previously brought me to the point where I wasn't going to go back to work and was going to start a business with The Starchild. That was a sound plan, the problem was just that I wasn't focused and changing direction by going back into full time work wasn't going to create that focus, if anything it was going to take me further away from the good lessons I'd been working towards.

So the big decision is simply not to go back to full time work just yet. I have a lot of chores to do that I don't do because I am not inspired and that is creating disharmony but I'm not ready to give up yet. This decision may seem fairly trivial but there are loads of implications but I am absolutely certain that I am making the best decision for this point in my life.

That settled, I'm leaving at 6am tomorrow to go to Woolf's funeral at 11am. The Starchild is giving me grief over some of the circumstances that are necessitated by this but I am going to learn and practice the lessons that have fallen on my heart and soul with Woolf passing and am going to do what I think is right.

I feel this is a very big time for my internal development, much of which is coming full circle and starting the learning process all over again while being able to bring my previous learnings with me, which is quite super really.

And that's where I am at the moment. I'll be away for a day or so and hope to come back ready to re-dedicate myself to myself and all I know to be true and worthwhile.

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