To Believe In

The worst part about it
is knowing that it is normal
or
at least
believing it is normal
based on the deductions
that my experience
and reasoning
lead me to
because
that means
even if I wanted to
it cannot
be changed.

Although that is
of course
following Wendy Logic
so is not always
the basis on which
the rest of the world
operates.

The word
that felt right recently was
displaced.

This is something that perhaps many feel
from time to time
or
maybe more often
or
maybe constantly.

There are connections
but at these times
of displacement
I feel that the connections
with people
are a greater illusion
than any other thing
that I
have ever
believed in
despite the niggling feeling
in my core
beyond my conscious level of belief
that it really still could be
an illusion.

And I understand why.

And agree that it is a good thing
a wise move
in the wise guy's plan
so that we can always have
a glimmer of hope
that through the pain
of any loss
we remember that
we are
independent
individuals
and this is the spark
from which we realise
that we can chose
to go on.

Sometimes
we choose to sever the connection
sometimes
it is severed for us
suddenly
or
over time.

It doesn't matter how.

And all connections in between
are preparing for that time
are guarding us against co-dependence
and whispering to us
in the dark
and the quite
that the nature of the world is mutable
that it must change
as must we
and all of our connections
over time.

And we feel like living in fear
of that time
when we should be
revelling in
the beauty of the connection
while it is still
tangible to us.

But it is so hard
to unsee and unknow
what we have already
seen and known
and if we could
unsee
and
unknow
then it would be by some dastardly stroke
that would be worse than
the seeing and the knowing
ever were.

So
putting that outlet aside
we just have to
look at the connections
the relationships
the friendships
the networks
the support
the investments in people
as temporary
and it makes it really hard
to feel
anything
other than
displaced.

I'm not part of this
and
that that has always been the case.

That feeling of belonging
is very specific
custom made
for the differences
in each person
though
I'm sure
is entirely attainable
for some.

I even have a memory
but I don't think it is
really
my
memory
of belonging
of a beginning
that I was part of
that I was comfortable in
that existed
in some special form
only because
of my energy
and how it
connected
with other energy
in some way.

It has moved on now
of course
as I probably knew
it would
at the time
but that time
is a long
long
time from
this time
certainly not
in my lifetime
or even if
for the sake of the argument
I accepted
individuals as having had
previous lifetimes
then
its not from that time
either
but
it is part of this memory
that we all have access to
and that which creates
a longing in our hearts
and is the reason
that we reach out in the first place
and is the reason
that we try to fool ourselves
into believing
the connection is real
and unbreakable
and will not change
although
none of these things
are true.

So
I'm standing on the outside
looking in
and I can't work out
whether I even
want to be in there at all
but knowing that it is lonely out here
and suspecting
that it is probably also
lonely in there
and not understanding
the rejection
the lack of acceptance
why I am not included
why there is a barrier
that I can only think
is one that I put there
and that people see
without even realising
that they can see it
and it makes the connection
that is just an illusion
even harder
for me to believe in.