Wednesday, March 10, 2010

To Believe In

The worst part about it
is knowing that it is normal
or
at least
believing it is normal
based on the deductions
that my experience
and reasoning
lead me to
because
that means
even if I wanted to
it cannot
be changed.

Although that is
of course
following Wendy Logic
so is not always
the basis on which
the rest of the world
operates.

The word
that felt right recently was
displaced.

This is something that perhaps many feel
from time to time
or
maybe more often
or
maybe constantly.

There are connections
but at these times
of displacement
I feel that the connections
with people
are a greater illusion
than any other thing
that I
have ever
believed in
despite the niggling feeling
in my core
beyond my conscious level of belief
that it really still could be
an illusion.

And I understand why.

And agree that it is a good thing
a wise move
in the wise guy's plan
so that we can always have
a glimmer of hope
that through the pain
of any loss
we remember that
we are
independent
individuals
and this is the spark
from which we realise
that we can chose
to go on.

Sometimes
we choose to sever the connection
sometimes
it is severed for us
suddenly
or
over time.

It doesn't matter how.

And all connections in between
are preparing for that time
are guarding us against co-dependence
and whispering to us
in the dark
and the quite
that the nature of the world is mutable
that it must change
as must we
and all of our connections
over time.

And we feel like living in fear
of that time
when we should be
revelling in
the beauty of the connection
while it is still
tangible to us.

But it is so hard
to unsee and unknow
what we have already
seen and known
and if we could
unsee
and
unknow
then it would be by some dastardly stroke
that would be worse than
the seeing and the knowing
ever were.

So
putting that outlet aside
we just have to
look at the connections
the relationships
the friendships
the networks
the support
the investments in people
as temporary
and it makes it really hard
to feel
anything
other than
displaced.

I'm not part of this
and
that that has always been the case.

That feeling of belonging
is very specific
custom made
for the differences
in each person
though
I'm sure
is entirely attainable
for some.

I even have a memory
but I don't think it is
really
my
memory
of belonging
of a beginning
that I was part of
that I was comfortable in
that existed
in some special form
only because
of my energy
and how it
connected
with other energy
in some way.

It has moved on now
of course
as I probably knew
it would
at the time
but that time
is a long
long
time from
this time
certainly not
in my lifetime
or even if
for the sake of the argument
I accepted
individuals as having had
previous lifetimes
then
its not from that time
either
but
it is part of this memory
that we all have access to
and that which creates
a longing in our hearts
and is the reason
that we reach out in the first place
and is the reason
that we try to fool ourselves
into believing
the connection is real
and unbreakable
and will not change
although
none of these things
are true.

So
I'm standing on the outside
looking in
and I can't work out
whether I even
want to be in there at all
but knowing that it is lonely out here
and suspecting
that it is probably also
lonely in there
and not understanding
the rejection
the lack of acceptance
why I am not included
why there is a barrier
that I can only think
is one that I put there
and that people see
without even realising
that they can see it
and it makes the connection
that is just an illusion
even harder
for me to believe in.

6 comments:

Natalie said...

A few years ago, i realised that my 'relationships'with people were an illusion. This immediately put me on the outside of the circle, never to be allowed back in.
So, in that time, for a really SHORT time, I was afraid. I was afraid of being unloved, I was afraid of being unpopular, I was afraid of being alone on a stormy sea.
It was then that I remembered that essentially, we are all alone.

It is in that moment, that we fully accept the enormity of being alone in this vast Universe, that our perception shifts to a more global 'belonging'.

We see close friends, and loved ones, as travelers on our journey for only a time. We are free of a relationship 'expectation' and we are free of relationship 'rules'.

Instead, it is taken moment by moment, (because we really only have now)and adjusted accordingly.

If that person is growing, then they would automatically treat you with love and respect, without you having to remind them of 'The Rules'.
If they do not, and you don't like it, then it is time to find some boundaries.

There are some souls here on this plane of existance, Wendy, that would gladly and lovingly, walk with you, if only for a time. I believe it is about intention.....are these souls intending to treat you with love and respect? Is your individuality, and Wendy-ness celebrated?
I KNOW for sure two people have chosen to walk with me in this life. We speak of it, we have laid our souls bare. This does not mean that mistakes are not made....they are, but an intention of COMPLETE openness, and an intention of loving, joins us in a way that many do not understand.
One of these people is available to you, as am I.♥

Wendy said...

Thank you, Natalie. You clearly put a lot of thought and love into your comments and I appreciate you sharing them.

None of the things that I have written about today are new thoughts but they haven't developed into the acceptance that you described. Perhaps it is that I haven't felt the fear you felt in response to this understanding and it is not anyone reminding me of 'The Rules' or problems with boundaries that have brought me to reflect on these things at the moment, although I know this would be a common manifestation of the negatives side of these thoughts. I am also fortunate in that I have met a number of special people who have shared the joys (and pains) of this journey with me but it is not the absence of sharing that I lament. It is the truth in the depth of the connection that is under scrutiny here and the affects of that awareness.

I do need to work on living more in the now though, as you suggest. My brain, however, has a natural tendency to wander in all directions and I yet to be convinced that this is such a bad thing. These are the workings of the greatest and most amazing mechanism in all of creation and only through free thought is our world changed.

Your comments seem to have almost inspired another post in return so I'll disconnect the meanderings of my mind from the keyboard at this point and send you many blessings for your kind heart and thoughtful words.

Lisa said...

back in 05/06 when the breakdown/breakthrough occurred , all aspects of MAYA ( illusion) left me. Things became so frighteningly clear and bright that i was scared to move forward.
I too felt like watching my world from outside my house.
Everything but NOW is illusion and certainly the thought that we somehow 'connect forever' is.
To me, you are a trail blazer,a chosen one and yet i see your beautiful screwed up face as you work to deal with the logic of that. Maybe there is none-i certainly dont know. I live my life as a stick figure inside the michellin man-the rest is illusion and my choice whether to partake of it or not.
I feel a soul connection to you Wendy- from the moemnet we met 'they' told me we are signigficant in each others lives,(your sparkly bits went crazy) in seeing past the MAYA that exists within each of us.
if you would like a few hours of one on one i am always here for you
as always xx
anamcara

Natalie said...

I am very bad at expressing ideas unfortunately, and it irks me no end.
I understood that you meant the depth of truth of your connections,that is what i was meaning too.
The fear for me, came also, when I realised that there was SO little truth in my connections. Connections, that held the illusion of being far deeper than they actually were.
If a person, (whoever they might be) doesn't display respect honesty, integrity and honour, to me more than eighty percent of the time, by natural processes, my higher self doesn't recognise them.
This is my personal boundary, and it is constantly in review (living in the moment). The two people I spoke of, love me in the TRUEST most 'Godly' way possible here on Earth.
It is possible, though in my personal opinion, rare. People who see you as a precious soul, in both word and deed are a blessing. Is this getting closer to what you mean?

Rob-bear said...

Hmmmm . . . is about all I can say. Mostly because I have difficulty
following
your
thinking.

I'm not saying that what you write is bad, or wrong, or anything like that. It's just that I have difficulty
following
your
thinking.

Which is why
it takes me
a long time
to reply.

Wendy said...

Ha, you have difficultly following my thinking, Rob-bear - imagine the difficulty I have thinking it in the first place!

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