Not Quite

Am waking up
exhausted
and this morning
woke up
with a headache.

How does that happen?

Busy dreams
I can remember if I try
but not for long
and I don't even have the energy
to try most of the time
and I don't think that it is necessary
to remember them
which is very different
to what I usually think.

Transcending,
yes.

I don't believe
that astral travel
should make you tired.

I believe
that astral travel
should allow your physical body
an escape
and a chance
to thoroughly relax
but perhaps the intent
needs to be applied beforehand
and as I still don't even know
if that is where I have been
of a night lately
I therefore had no warning
that I was possibly going there
so could not prepare.

I may try it tonight anyway.

This is what I have been asking for
this is what I have been inviting in
and I am happy that I am progressing
and I don't feel fear
or anxiety
or even real curiosity
just a comfortably knowing
that I am where I am meant to be
in the ways that matter
for me
at the moment.

Am feeling
exceptionally unmotivated
on a physical level
making me think
that I am very lazy
but making me hope
that I need this
inactivity
on a physical level
so I can do the work
I need to do
on a spiritual level.

I have work to do today.

I look around me and see
just little things
that I know I can do
but somehow struggle to do
just little things
that seem like enormous things
and I just want to sleep some more
and go where I need to be in my dreams.

I have no appetite for the real world at the moment
and the more I struggle with this
the less interested I am
in the things I see around me
and I sleep soundly
though my mind is active
and I feel so drawn
to sleep
and so close
to greater understanding.

And even still
there is something
that keeps me from climbing
into bed
each night
although
I'm still getting
six or seven
hours sleep
each night
I know I could easily do
ten or twelve
and I'm not
particularly enjoying
wasting time
awake
and I am
particularly enjoying
sleep
even though it is busy
and tiring
at the moment
but still I don't want to let go
of the day that was.

Why would this be?

I almost accept
that I will never know
and never understand.

Almost
that is
but not quite.