So Long Now

The lightest mood
in a long, long time
has found me today
in my hiding place
and I have found myself
rising to greet it
gratefully
and with antiscipation
rather than with the disdain
and rejection
that has settled in as my welcoming party
for so long now.

There were "moments"
yes
and I acknowledge
that my energy
has the energy of others
with which it must interact
for I have chosen them
and they have chosen me
to experience in this life
and setting up protection
is shutting down that energy
when it was meant to be
so what is really called for
is inner strength
and resilience
and perspective
and tolerance
and a multitude of other things

that have been sadly lacking
for so long now.

But I am nothing
if not stubborn
and I am feeling the strength
in that stubbornness
and I am feeling the determination
and inspiration
and energy
and passion
in that stubbornness
and am embracing it
even though the awareness
of it's potential fleetingness
lurks
never far from the surface
it is something I can accept today
and maybe again tomorrow
and then maybe the day after that
I will find that the lurking
starts to begin to commence
fading further and further
below the surface
and then
in any moment
it will all start to feel
much more normal
having that strength
and fortitude
which I should have had
for so long now.