But Me

Today I have noticed
that there has been a change in tone
in some of the memories
that I have been
holding in my hand
and against my heart
as I have been taking
my usual trips down memory lane.

As usual
I have been revisiting
many different
trials and tribulations
and I remember being angry at the time
or resentful
or disappointed
and looking back
sometimes in regret
sometimes in remorse
sometimes still in anger
but always with at least one eye
focused squarely
intensely
and critically
on myself.

This
of course
has resulted over the course of many years
in a weakening of the walls
only now I am realising
that I had every right to build those walls
and that many of them
made me who I was
and that tearing them down
brick by brick
at a time in my life
when I hadn't even had the chance
to build them fully
was a huge disrespect
to myself as a person
and has had a huge impact
on the state I now find myself in.

It is good to be looking at these challenges
with the benefit of hindsight and maturity
and seeing them for what they were
and that is totally fucked up
and more to the point
totally not my fault.

I haven't always believed
that I did the best I could
because even though
I knew with all honesty
how hard I was trying
and how much I cared
I was still somehow
demanding and expecting
more of myself
and that wasn't right.

Now I can see
and I can truly feel
and I can also accept
that I did do my best
and my best is actually
quite fucking awesome
and even if it wasn't properly understood
or appreciated
or just simply all I could do in a terrible situation
those short-falls were not my short-falls
and I should have still been able to
wear my thoughts and actions
with pride and honour
because it was who I was
and more importantly
it was who I was meant to be
and who I was meant to continue to grow into.

In all my many, many hours
of wallowing in what never was
rarely am I
so forgiving of myself
as I have found myself being today.

It has always bothered me
when I see people
who have been horrendously treated
returning to those who have hurt them
on the basis that
for them
true forgiveness
is only possible
when the person who has caused the pain
is part of your life in a loving way
and I'm not sure
if it bothered me
because I felt it lacked self-respect
or because I felt some things should not be forgiven
or for any other number of reasons
and I was told recently
that it was perfectly okay
for me to be bothered by this
because this solution did not have to "fit" me.

Knowing this was a huge relief
and now I find that I am taking the next step
and rather than trying to work out
how I can forgive some things of others
I have actually been able to
turn the concept of forgiveness
back onto myself
and I am starting by forgiving me
which is a huge and surprising step forward
and I know that I still have such a long way to go
but it feels kind of like hope
to consider a future
where I don't have to carry
all of the blame that I had taken on
and to be able to consider a future
where I don't need
to rebel against judgement and condemnation
and to strive for
acceptance and validation
from anyone else but me.