Wednesday, October 13, 2010

To Stand

It occurs to me
today and many other days past
that in the last few years of my life
I have been in a kind of recession
in that bit by bit
the universe has worked
to change my life
and I have felt that involvement
so strongly
and even at terrible times
I have felt a contentment and trust
that what was happening
was happening for a reason
and even during the times
when I no longer cared
what that reason was
what I was doing
was actually rejecting
what I knew was true
not changing my beliefs
so that even though
I truly believed
there was a purpose
and a reason
I had chosen
in those dark times
to refuse to take part.

It's amazing to realise
that even after years and years
of things not actually getting better
and of separating from my beliefs
that they still existed
and are still here waiting for me
as I start to emerge.

But over these last few years
it seems that as a direct result
of the pressures and
my great strength that became my great weakness
things have changed in my life
and I have always known
that I was where I was meant to be
and have had peaks and troughs
in many different things
there has been a massive downward trend
in a lot of the pressures
and I have developed the habit
of working to further reduce and protect
my existence.

Now, with a book
that is not particularly famous
or relevant
but is one that I know
I would usually chose
to protect myself from
I have instead found myself
listening to and acting on the synchronicities
and have decided to seek out
and read this book
even though it contains
some of the most horrendously true attrocities
and I don't really need to read it
somehow I actually do need to read it
and there is a fear within me
that I am not ready
and that I never really was ready
or ever really will be ready
and that everything is just easier
when I bury my head in the sand
and pretend bad things don't exist
when the truth is
I know they do
and I feel unable to accept
that living in this world
is an acceptable option
but never the less
I am reading this book
and I know what happens
and how it ends
and none of it is good
yet still I read
bit by bit
it occurs to me
that reading this
may help rebuild the wall
of who I am
in the place
where the wall
of who I need to hide away
used to stand.


Rob-bear said...

I see and feel the changes of which you speak. Changes that are real, significant, even empowering.

So I do not understand the use of the word "recession" to describe these experiences. The word "progress," or something like it, seems more appropriate to me.

Wendy said...

i was using the word recession to describe the successive periods of what outwardly appeared to be negative growth but which I can see now was actually a release of many things in my life so that I could rebuild from a better foundation. it reminds me of military practices of the past where a soldier is reduced to nothing to make sure they will be able to do what is needed of them in extreme situations once they are rebuilt. having a father who served in viet nam and then later in the reserves and always with a passion for history and war stories, as well as my own natural empathy gave me the opportunity to understand this process from a very young age and while I always found it morally objectionable, particularly the application of it that made it so necessarily successful, this understanding has, after all these years, become a resource to me in that I now have a better understanding of what I am going through at the moment and perhaps even a little more hope for the person I am becoming.