Change It Now

I can't work out
if my life is currently
too complicated
or not complicated enough.

It's true that
the story of my life so far
is pretty complicated
(we wouldn't want it to be boring now, would we?)
but my day to day
of actual living
is no where near
as complicated as it has been in the past
and yet
I still have many days
where I feel like
I have been running
for a million years
and I am weary to my very soul
so that the simplest of tasks
is a momentous victory
and therefore
makes my life
appear to be a pathetic waste.

I've really felt
that this forced simplification
was the universes way
of giving me
the opportunities I need
to follow my path
but it has been ever so long now
and I know I have made progress
but that progress seems
so intangible to me
that I find myself
thinking about making
some really huge changes
and really shaking my world up
and turning it all upside down
so I can start with a clean slate
and put the pieces back how I want them.

But the reality is
that I have dependents
and I need to consider
the implications
of all I do
and how it will
affect them.

This has also been my choice.

But as I approach my 36th birthday
and realise
this has been my pattern of limitations
for half of my life
as I have been doing this now
since I was 18
it really worries me
and I don't know what to do
to change it now.