Monday, March 21, 2011

Born To Do

Being busy
and unmotivated
is a terrible combination
on so many levels.

Feeling irrepressibly sad
and thinking this is possibly
an absorption
of the energies around me
which is another
terrible combination
with the energies within me
at the moment.

Knowing I need
to focus on a routine
of many things
including
energy protection
severing energy connections that do not serve
and just trying to
deal with my own shit
rather than
everyone else's
would be a damn good start.

Yes here I am
in a holding pattern
of self destruction
that has become
the pattern of my life
and yet somehow
I manage
better than many other days before
to keep holding on
and believing
things are getting better.

But are they?

And if they are
then to what point
given the state of the woprld
which offers nothing
to get better for.

When I consider
some of the amazingly inspirational people
in my life
I know that I should also be inspired
but I am just awed and confused
and that leads to being
overwhelmed and intimidated
and thus the spiral starts again.

There has been one thing
that should be intangible
which seems to have
powerfully manifested
on my soul
and that is a solitary ritual
I held the other night
around my fite pit
where I made poppets
of the people that I find myself dwelling on
in hurt
and dissapointment
and disallusionment
and anger
and I was surprised
at how few there were
and how much perspective that point alone gave
and I spoke to each of them
and told them how I felt
and why I felt that way
and then I forgave them.

One by one
I forgave them.

And then I burned the poppets
and released all of the painful and negative thoughts
that I had been holding onto
and handed them over to the universe
and now
when my mind thinks of these people
there is nothing
but what I chose for there to be
in my head and in my heart
but mostly
it is just nothing
and that is ok for now
and I know that this is the point
from which I will move on
and find the place
that I am meant to be
in these particular relationships
and I will be able to accept this
without regret
fear
or hurt.

Each day
I am still in gratitude
and I acknowledge
my many blessings
give thanks for
all of the things that really matter in my life
and I appreciate the moments
when my muse stirs
and I hear her voice
and know that there are things
I can do
and that I will do
because it is getting better
and I will forge my own path
where it has worn so thin
that it is hard to follow
because that is what
I was born to do.

5 comments:

Rob-bear said...

Well done, Wendy! An amazing personal liturgy (or rite) of forgiveness and personal empowerment! See what you can do? Wonderful.

But please don't scare us with language like
a holding pattern
of self destruction.

That's my life right now; you don't want to be there. Really. (See my current piece, "Diminished.")

Other than that, a brilliant post. You are marvellously working on rebuilding Wendy. Awesome!

Wendy said...

WOW, what a wonderful comment, Rob-bear. I'd written that post last night in an extreme state of melancholy but when I read your comment this morning I had to re-read my post to see the good things you saw that I hadn't realised when I was writing it. Thank you for that perspective of myself - I *really* needed that :o)

And yes, I had read your Diminished post already and I really understood what you meant. I've been thinking about all of those things you've spent a lifetime building and capturing on paper only to find they no longer have a place in your life. Yes, I can see how that would feel diminishing. But, if I could return to you some of the perspective you have only just lent to me, might I offer the suggestion that this can also provide you with a sense of relief through release (that is my word at the moment) in that now you can stand alone in your own strength without needing to be defined by those past thoughts - it's what you think and do now and next that will inspire your heart.

Perhaps a visit with Miss Sadie is in order. Is that possible?

Jac said...

The whole world is sad right now. Even if you don't believe in 'energy', it's still almost palpable. I think it's affecting everyone.
The biggest thing that struck me in this whole post was your clinging to gratitude. There is so much to put in that particular basket, isn't there. For all of us. If nothing else, build yourself a nest there and keep warm.
xxooxx

Jac said...

The whole world is sad right now. Even if you don't believe in 'energy', it's still almost palpable. I think it's affecting everyone.
The biggest thing that struck me in this whole post was your clinging to gratitude. There is so much to put in that particular basket, isn't there. For all of us. If nothing else, build yourself a nest there and keep warm.
xxooxx

Wendy said...

Oh, yes, Jac - that is true. And even when it is not, I choose to make it so.

Me thinks there are many days for me to come in that warm, safe basket; it's the bestest place for me right now. ♥♥♥

There was an error in this gadget