Focus

Still a little all over the place as far as direction but need to take control over my life and make it into just what I want it to be.

Had a good talk with the tea lady this morning. I would really like to pursue the ML thing but I just can't see how to get it off the ground. Will have a talk with The Starchild and see if we can't work something out and then I will pursue it with vigor as I would really like to have my own business - or at least 50% share one.

Getting focused starts right now.

Spam, Visualising and Dots in the Air

Somethings I keep forgetting to mention:

1) Dramatic reduction in the amount of spam lately. This is a good thing on many levels as I was starting to think that the spammers loved me more than my family and friends do.

2) Since the Stroud weekend, my ability visualise has improved. Some of the pictures are becoming quite clear but they are not very big. The improvement seems to be ongoing, which is quite encouraging.

3) I saw the clear dots two weekends ago. I used to see them all the time when I was little. I particularly remember seeing them when I would have day time naps, so that would have been before I started school. I would see a whole blanket of them then and I could control the directions they moved in if I tried, otherwise they would just float in unison, usually upwards. the are clear and small and they look flat although I think they are really spherical. The Starchild mentioned something similar a few years ago, since we have been up here. I tried to see them again then and I think that I brought them back when I tried but they used to come unbidden. The other weekend we were in the car and I saw them clearly, but there were only five or so of them and they weren't all joined. They floated upwards like they used to and when they floated out of sight I could bring them back again where they had been before. This happened several times and they were in the same formation each time. It made me smile and feel like a child again.

Purging

Sometimes I feel judged and that gets my back up but then I think I got it all wrong.

Sometimes I feel really, really lazy. I can't seem to get motivated. I know I am in control but I don't actually *do* anything. Is this who I am? Is this all I am meant to be?

I like lists but at the minute all I see are obstacles as to why the things on my list wont get done.

Am also circling around cynicism - that wasn't real help that was offered, and it wasn't real concern. Not even self-concern - what's that all about? It's hard to pour your heart out to someone when you are in your deepest depths and to know that all you were was a potential lift. Whatever. I guess this is too long after the fact to be dwelling so I hope this post will also serve as a purging. It's not like it's a surprise. No wonder I keep concluding that relationships on all levels are just illusions.


Feeling the need to clear out stuff. Have been going through old documents - why on earth do I need a four drawer filing cabinet as well as several archive boxes full of stuff? Getting that organised is a good thing. Freeing up space on my harddrive as well - yippie. Considering deleting emails *gasp* and unsubscribing from some of the groups and newsletters. We'll see how that one goes.

Have a few things on tomorrow that I just don't want to do. Nothing awful, in fact, mostly quite pleasant. I just don't want to fulfill my commitments. I'm sure that statement could entertain a psychologist for an hour or two.

Looks like there willl be a bit of a lightning show on tonight - way cool!