Thursday, November 27, 2008


Sometimes I feel judged and that gets my back up but then I think I got it all wrong.

Sometimes I feel really, really lazy. I can't seem to get motivated. I know I am in control but I don't actually *do* anything. Is this who I am? Is this all I am meant to be?

I like lists but at the minute all I see are obstacles as to why the things on my list wont get done.

Am also circling around cynicism - that wasn't real help that was offered, and it wasn't real concern. Not even self-concern - what's that all about? It's hard to pour your heart out to someone when you are in your deepest depths and to know that all you were was a potential lift. Whatever. I guess this is too long after the fact to be dwelling so I hope this post will also serve as a purging. It's not like it's a surprise. No wonder I keep concluding that relationships on all levels are just illusions.

Feeling the need to clear out stuff. Have been going through old documents - why on earth do I need a four drawer filing cabinet as well as several archive boxes full of stuff? Getting that organised is a good thing. Freeing up space on my harddrive as well - yippie. Considering deleting emails *gasp* and unsubscribing from some of the groups and newsletters. We'll see how that one goes.

Have a few things on tomorrow that I just don't want to do. Nothing awful, in fact, mostly quite pleasant. I just don't want to fulfill my commitments. I'm sure that statement could entertain a psychologist for an hour or two.

Looks like there willl be a bit of a lightning show on tonight - way cool!

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