Well, wasn't yesterday another roller coaster ride, and I'm lucky to have made it through at all - literally. But we won't go there.
Have some very mundane tasks penciled in for today and, of course, have not gotten any of them done. Got a text from the free spirit needing to catch up. Wish she wasn't hurting but so glad so contacted me. Met up at Newcastle beach and cried together in the carpark. Felt better afterwards and have committed to call her if I have another day like yesterday.
Have been *accused* ;o) of being stubborn but maintain that being stubborn is good as this will probably be the most effective trait to get me out of this situation.
Going off to practice being stubborn now - gotta be good at something!
Friday, November 14, 2008
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Greenless Green Days
Not a good morning. Had in my head what I needed to do today. Woke up at 6.11am - snoozed the alarm once and then got up even though I was still so tired. Started to work on applications for some of the jobs I had saved and decided that I didn't want to apply for the two Centrelink positions. Worked on another application that wouldn't be too bad but all of a sudden it was time to get the kids up and I hadn't even finished it.
The smiley monster is very argumentative these days and the impossible princess is just downright difficult just about all of the time. She complained about waking up, then she sooked and cried about making her bed, then she took ages to come down to breakfast, then her weet-bix were too soggy, then she took ages to eat. All this time the smiley monster is also refusing to eat and is being cheeky and then they start on one another. I need to go to the bathroom so I go and while I'm there the smiley monster pinches the impossible princess and she squeals and then she cries and then she goes shrieking 'Mum' all over the house. I call out where I am but she keeps screeching 'Mum' and I come out and she isn't even crying she is just sooking and my head hurts and I am crazy from being yelled at and I yell "WHAT??!!??" at her and then yell about how I can't even go to the bathroom in peace and that if she hadn't taken so long eating her breakfast and spent her time annoying her brother then he wouldn't have pinched her and then I yelled at the smiley monster for pinching her and asked them to just bloody-well do what they are meant to do each morning and eat their breakfast and finish getting ready. I feel so bad I want to vomit and my heart is broken because I yelled at them. I'm at the point where I am trying to relish my 45 seconds while I drink my crazy shake breakfast and thinking that my chest feels weird and in a way hoping for a heart attack just so it will all be over. And, yes, I know that's bad and that is why I know I should be taking something for my anxiety.
The Kman is good though, and tries to be happy and helpful. He helps with the smiley monster and doesn't stir up the impossible princess and asks me if there are any jobs I would like him to do. Bless his little heart; I love him so much. And then I hate myself for being angry. It's not their fault that they do naughty and frustrating things - they're kids, that's just what kids do. I'm just not cut out for it some days.
But once that's all done I get them all off to where they are meant to go and get home and think that the first thing I'll do is put the clothes on the line as that will mean that job is started and I will feel better for being outside, particularly before it gets too hot as today is sure to be. After that I'll finish my job applications, then I'll work out and then vacuum and mop and spray surface spray and then I'll decide if I'm going to see if I can do anything with the front garden or if I will work on my BOS (I can actually get that completely up to date as there was no new BOS work in this weeks lesson).
Then I get a text from the tea lady saying the target client for our potential new business is there to be told her existing provider will not be able to continue to provide the service. I start to reply about fear and doubt but then she rings and I am so grateful she did. I know I am suffering from anxiety from so many sources but the thought of telling her about my doubts was making it worse. I'm not facing any of my issues enough to even understand them properly let alone to actually deal with them so her ringing has made me do both and she was wonderful. I even told her about my tarot reading and she said that it was as good a way as any to make a decision and didn't make me feel foolish or like I had let her down. I knew she was busy at work and she just let me talk and gave me support and I cried and then felt better. My head hurts but I feel real and intense gratitude.
So, now I'm at the computer again and not doing anything productive - other than practicing my typing skills ;0) but I will get back on track and get on with stuff so I don't feel like today was another green day without any green. Oh, God help me if I had any of that as I would surely be doomed to complete ineffectiveness then.
The smiley monster is very argumentative these days and the impossible princess is just downright difficult just about all of the time. She complained about waking up, then she sooked and cried about making her bed, then she took ages to come down to breakfast, then her weet-bix were too soggy, then she took ages to eat. All this time the smiley monster is also refusing to eat and is being cheeky and then they start on one another. I need to go to the bathroom so I go and while I'm there the smiley monster pinches the impossible princess and she squeals and then she cries and then she goes shrieking 'Mum' all over the house. I call out where I am but she keeps screeching 'Mum' and I come out and she isn't even crying she is just sooking and my head hurts and I am crazy from being yelled at and I yell "WHAT??!!??" at her and then yell about how I can't even go to the bathroom in peace and that if she hadn't taken so long eating her breakfast and spent her time annoying her brother then he wouldn't have pinched her and then I yelled at the smiley monster for pinching her and asked them to just bloody-well do what they are meant to do each morning and eat their breakfast and finish getting ready. I feel so bad I want to vomit and my heart is broken because I yelled at them. I'm at the point where I am trying to relish my 45 seconds while I drink my crazy shake breakfast and thinking that my chest feels weird and in a way hoping for a heart attack just so it will all be over. And, yes, I know that's bad and that is why I know I should be taking something for my anxiety.
The Kman is good though, and tries to be happy and helpful. He helps with the smiley monster and doesn't stir up the impossible princess and asks me if there are any jobs I would like him to do. Bless his little heart; I love him so much. And then I hate myself for being angry. It's not their fault that they do naughty and frustrating things - they're kids, that's just what kids do. I'm just not cut out for it some days.
But once that's all done I get them all off to where they are meant to go and get home and think that the first thing I'll do is put the clothes on the line as that will mean that job is started and I will feel better for being outside, particularly before it gets too hot as today is sure to be. After that I'll finish my job applications, then I'll work out and then vacuum and mop and spray surface spray and then I'll decide if I'm going to see if I can do anything with the front garden or if I will work on my BOS (I can actually get that completely up to date as there was no new BOS work in this weeks lesson).
Then I get a text from the tea lady saying the target client for our potential new business is there to be told her existing provider will not be able to continue to provide the service. I start to reply about fear and doubt but then she rings and I am so grateful she did. I know I am suffering from anxiety from so many sources but the thought of telling her about my doubts was making it worse. I'm not facing any of my issues enough to even understand them properly let alone to actually deal with them so her ringing has made me do both and she was wonderful. I even told her about my tarot reading and she said that it was as good a way as any to make a decision and didn't make me feel foolish or like I had let her down. I knew she was busy at work and she just let me talk and gave me support and I cried and then felt better. My head hurts but I feel real and intense gratitude.
So, now I'm at the computer again and not doing anything productive - other than practicing my typing skills ;0) but I will get back on track and get on with stuff so I don't feel like today was another green day without any green. Oh, God help me if I had any of that as I would surely be doomed to complete ineffectiveness then.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Chocolate is Such a Fickle Friend
Very tired and lethargic - slept most of yesterday, even after a decent nights sleep and then with a good nights sleep after that.
Feel like I'm struggling mentally but not with anything in particular. Having some seriously concerning thoughts about the futility of it all in regards to the world in general, pretty intense and have tried to ignore but I constantly feel like they are not far from the surface.
Feel like a totally different person to who I was a few days ago, and different again to who I was a few days before that.
Intense cravings for chocolate - probably just premenstrual - but no thoughts for alcohol, which is good. Cheated on the diet already. Was soooo hungry yesterday and ate and ate and ate but only allowable things in between naps on the lounge but succumbed in the night :-(
Not sure what is going on in my head.
Big doubts about potential new business. Did a tarot reading about that as follows:
1. Short term positive: VIII Swords - mental anguish, separation
2. Mid-long term positive: X Wands - heavy burden
3. Short term negative: II Coins - juggling money
4. Mid-long term positive: XI Justice - legal issues
5. Go/No go - should I proceed: XVIII Moon - things are not what they seem (I also dropped the moon card when shuffling)
So, this seems to be pretty clear to me that this is not a good idea. I then did a spread regarding my employment prospects as follows:
1. Short term: Queen of Swords - strong, intellectual woman
2. Mid term: XIV Temperance - balance
3. Long term: Knight of Wands - action, travel, movement
4. Overall: XV Devil - slave to the grind
Not a particularly wonderful reading but a safer one and one that is much more me.
Took myself off to the movies today, which was great. Saw 'Burn after reading' with George Clooney and Brad Pitt. Most unusual and I'm still not sure if I liked it or not. The reviews were really mixed and I can understand why, patience and tolerance were needed but it was a quirky yet simple plot and the acting was good. There were a few surprises but a partially good outcome and it moved quite nicely throughout. Only cost me $8 as well, which was a bonus. Picked up some fruit and vege at Harris Farm Markets so we are very well stocked in that department here now.
Feel like I'm struggling mentally but not with anything in particular. Having some seriously concerning thoughts about the futility of it all in regards to the world in general, pretty intense and have tried to ignore but I constantly feel like they are not far from the surface.
Feel like a totally different person to who I was a few days ago, and different again to who I was a few days before that.
Intense cravings for chocolate - probably just premenstrual - but no thoughts for alcohol, which is good. Cheated on the diet already. Was soooo hungry yesterday and ate and ate and ate but only allowable things in between naps on the lounge but succumbed in the night :-(
Not sure what is going on in my head.
Big doubts about potential new business. Did a tarot reading about that as follows:
1. Short term positive: VIII Swords - mental anguish, separation
2. Mid-long term positive: X Wands - heavy burden
3. Short term negative: II Coins - juggling money
4. Mid-long term positive: XI Justice - legal issues
5. Go/No go - should I proceed: XVIII Moon - things are not what they seem (I also dropped the moon card when shuffling)
So, this seems to be pretty clear to me that this is not a good idea. I then did a spread regarding my employment prospects as follows:
1. Short term: Queen of Swords - strong, intellectual woman
2. Mid term: XIV Temperance - balance
3. Long term: Knight of Wands - action, travel, movement
4. Overall: XV Devil - slave to the grind
Not a particularly wonderful reading but a safer one and one that is much more me.
Took myself off to the movies today, which was great. Saw 'Burn after reading' with George Clooney and Brad Pitt. Most unusual and I'm still not sure if I liked it or not. The reviews were really mixed and I can understand why, patience and tolerance were needed but it was a quirky yet simple plot and the acting was good. There were a few surprises but a partially good outcome and it moved quite nicely throughout. Only cost me $8 as well, which was a bonus. Picked up some fruit and vege at Harris Farm Markets so we are very well stocked in that department here now.
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