Thursday, November 13, 2008

Greenless Green Days

Not a good morning. Had in my head what I needed to do today. Woke up at 6.11am - snoozed the alarm once and then got up even though I was still so tired. Started to work on applications for some of the jobs I had saved and decided that I didn't want to apply for the two Centrelink positions. Worked on another application that wouldn't be too bad but all of a sudden it was time to get the kids up and I hadn't even finished it.

The smiley monster is very argumentative these days and the impossible princess is just downright difficult just about all of the time. She complained about waking up, then she sooked and cried about making her bed, then she took ages to come down to breakfast, then her weet-bix were too soggy, then she took ages to eat. All this time the smiley monster is also refusing to eat and is being cheeky and then they start on one another. I need to go to the bathroom so I go and while I'm there the smiley monster pinches the impossible princess and she squeals and then she cries and then she goes shrieking 'Mum' all over the house. I call out where I am but she keeps screeching 'Mum' and I come out and she isn't even crying she is just sooking and my head hurts and I am crazy from being yelled at and I yell "WHAT??!!??" at her and then yell about how I can't even go to the bathroom in peace and that if she hadn't taken so long eating her breakfast and spent her time annoying her brother then he wouldn't have pinched her and then I yelled at the smiley monster for pinching her and asked them to just bloody-well do what they are meant to do each morning and eat their breakfast and finish getting ready. I feel so bad I want to vomit and my heart is broken because I yelled at them. I'm at the point where I am trying to relish my 45 seconds while I drink my crazy shake breakfast and thinking that my chest feels weird and in a way hoping for a heart attack just so it will all be over. And, yes, I know that's bad and that is why I know I should be taking something for my anxiety.

The Kman is good though, and tries to be happy and helpful. He helps with the smiley monster and doesn't stir up the impossible princess and asks me if there are any jobs I would like him to do. Bless his little heart; I love him so much. And then I hate myself for being angry. It's not their fault that they do naughty and frustrating things - they're kids, that's just what kids do. I'm just not cut out for it some days.

But once that's all done I get them all off to where they are meant to go and get home and think that the first thing I'll do is put the clothes on the line as that will mean that job is started and I will feel better for being outside, particularly before it gets too hot as today is sure to be. After that I'll finish my job applications, then I'll work out and then vacuum and mop and spray surface spray and then I'll decide if I'm going to see if I can do anything with the front garden or if I will work on my BOS (I can actually get that completely up to date as there was no new BOS work in this weeks lesson).

Then I get a text from the tea lady saying the target client for our potential new business is there to be told her existing provider will not be able to continue to provide the service. I start to reply about fear and doubt but then she rings and I am so grateful she did. I know I am suffering from anxiety from so many sources but the thought of telling her about my doubts was making it worse. I'm not facing any of my issues enough to even understand them properly let alone to actually deal with them so her ringing has made me do both and she was wonderful. I even told her about my tarot reading and she said that it was as good a way as any to make a decision and didn't make me feel foolish or like I had let her down. I knew she was busy at work and she just let me talk and gave me support and I cried and then felt better. My head hurts but I feel real and intense gratitude.

So, now I'm at the computer again and not doing anything productive - other than practicing my typing skills ;0) but I will get back on track and get on with stuff so I don't feel like today was another green day without any green. Oh, God help me if I had any of that as I would surely be doomed to complete ineffectiveness then.

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