I Will

I've been keeping fairly quiet of late...
...but I've been thinking a lot.

There have been so many surprise things come up for me so far this year,
like a new chapter of my life begins
every time I turn around
none of which I have really expected
but all of which I am trusting in.

Some of the things that are coming in to my life
at the moment
are things that I can see upon reflection
that I had been manifesting
but which appeared in a somewhat unexpected
but totally accurate way.

One thing that I was working with
is the phrase,
"speak little, listen much".

I placed a small ceramic owl plate
made by my aunty now passed
on my altar
to represent that phrase.

(you know the poem about the owl:
A wise old owl
Sat in an oak
The more he heard
The less he spoke
The less he spoke
The more he heard
Why aren't we all
Like that wise old bird?")

Time and again this year
I have been amazed by the wisdom this brings
And I find
that I
who likes words so much
is liking words less sometimes
and for all I hear
and all I don't say
I find that there is less that I want to say
and sometimes there is less that I want to hear.

But just because I may choose
not to speak at times
and just because I see
that the squeaky wheel
seems to get the oil on which it feeds
and seems to need
don't think
that I am not thinking at all
because
you know
I am always thinking
and sometimes I don't mind
or sometimes I do mind
but I have perspective
(thank you, wise old owl).

But things are good for me
and for that I am grateful
I am seeing much growth
and much potential
and am not ready to give up
when I so often feel like
doing just that
even though I still feel lost some days
and listless
and regretful
and lacking drive
regardless of my ideals
that enjoy masquerading as determination
because it will be midnight soon
and at the stroke of twelve
they all cry, "unmask, unmask"
and I will comply
and face my fears
of what I would never fail to be
if I chose never to try
because that is not the choice I will make
for I see the potential
and while I am brought to tears
at the year
that pass me by
I will still fulfil
that which I will.

I will.

Born To Do

How many times do we re-invent ourselves?

I don't mean in terms of reincarnation
just in our present lives

Mostly it is subtle
At least for the casual observer
Even if for us it flows from a resolution so strong that it over takes our whole being

Sometimes it is a Tower moment
Huge and sudden change
Sometimes physical, such as an accident
Sometimes environmental, such as losing our job or having someone new take a sudden and necessarily ongoing leap into our lives
Sometimes it is emotional, such as how we feel in response to a traumatic event

And we just decide
We need to change

But what I'm thinking about at the minute is the former
The subtle change
The change that sometimes creeps up on us
That weaves it's magic in and around our lives
Without us realising
Such as when we start to develop responsibility
Or we take on a new role, like as a parent

Then we look in the mirror one day
And realise that it has been so long since we laughed
Or did something
Or did nothing

And that's when we notice the change

And for a moment we want our old selves back
Are ready to demand our return
Take no prisoners - I want myself back

Perhaps its the lines on our faces
Or the increased level of self-maintenance
Or the loss of tone in our skin and our muscles

Perhaps its the scars
from little cuts and scratches
or bumps and breaks
or horrendous heart aches

And we cry out things like, "This is not what I signed up for"
"This is not what I wanted"

Then we ask ourselves, "Well, what did I want"
And we stumble over the answer
And start listing things that we didn't want
But that wasn't the question

Which is the first clue
To what we need to do
In order to turn in the direction we need to turn

And we can lament, and rue and regret
But we can't change the past
And allowing ourselves to dwell there, in the past,
Is confirmation that we still haven't learnt anything
Nothing at all

Or, we can accept the lessons
Acknowledge time as an abstract concept
And value unmeasured moments only
The here
The now
And make each one count

That is how we start to make those changes
The repeated actions
The become habits
And create the basis for our characters

So that one day
Many moments hence
We again look in the mirror
And realise that we laugh more again now
But not as much as we would like
And we do things now
But still sometimes find it hard to get motivated
And sometimes, just sometimes, we get to do nothing
We can relax
In a way that we choose

And we realise that there has been a change
But not as much of a change as to make us completely satisfied
(which would probably be the worst of fates)

And this time
The period of resentment subsides much quicker
And we move on to the reassessing stage
And when we look back this time
It is to compare what we now have
With our actual defined points from last time
And we can see
What we need to do

So we reinvent ourselves again
Subtly
With more of those repeated actions
That become habits
And that create the basis for our character

Yes, reinvention, even of the wheel, can sometimes be a wonderful thing
Change does not require fear
But fear requires change

So, let us run towards our fears
In order to change ourselves
Because that is what we were born to do

More Each Day

Another day, another dollar.

Although I just checked my bank account and there is exactly the same amount there as yesterday.

I wonder whose getting all these dollars each new day because it certainly isn't me.

But I do have cute kids.

Although I wouldn't want another kids each day. That would be just too much.

And I was pretty distraught yesterday afternoon with the school, day care, martial arts, dinner, scouts run.

And perhaps I was heard to utter the words, "I'm not cut out for this home-mum business".

But a good nights sleep has done wonders.

Even though I woke up feeling like I could easily catch another 8 hours worth of z's.

Today is getting two kids to school then a swimming lesson with another as the mandatory items on the list. I should also do a grocery shop, which I am kicking myself for not better planning the timing of this need so it now falls on a day when I have a child at home.

At least it's only one child, but it is the youngest and the most difficult.

But he's still cute.

He's standing here now telling me all about Star Wars xBox, which is his current favourite passion and has been for about a year.

Now he has climbed back up to the bench and there is hope that he will actually finish his breakfast.

Sometimes I miss not having a "real" job. I miss the challenges, I miss the interactions, I miss the excitement, the achieving of goals, the stress (I do kinda like the thrill of the stress a bit).

But if I have to miss that or seeing my wonderous children develop each day then I know what I'd rather.

Still, it'd be nice to never have to worry about money.

But the more you have, the more you spend.

And we're doing ok. We are paying our mortgage, the bills are under control, the kids are at a great school, we have food (when I can get off my butt and go out and buy some), the kids do lots of extra activities, I have my own things I do, we have clothes on our backs.

It's all pretty good and I count my blessings for all of these things and more each day.