Until You Say Goodbye

Hearing
a lot
in lyrics
particularly
those that appear
through synchronicities.

I'm not sure
if this is the case
for everyone
but my PlayList hasn't worked
for a while now.

And then today
it started working.

The first song it played
was "Affirmation"
by Savage Garden.

It's a great
positive
uplifting
song.

Here are the lyrics:

"I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do
I believe that beauty magazines promote low self esteem
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy
I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold

I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair
I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed
I believe that God does not endorse TV evangelists
I believe in love surviving death into eternity

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye"

It Seems

Something superficial
is required
it seems.

Something superficial
is something safe
and something safe
is required
it seems.

Moving slowly
carefully
but not carefully enough
it seems.

Trying not to feel
not to open the gates
because then
I will need
my own hands
to be the gates
and I will hold them close
against my face
and try to keep them closed
but once those gates are opened
it is just
too late
it seems.

Sitting on the precipice
where it is not safe
but it is also
not plummeting
completely
and utterly
out of control
all the way
to the bottom
so therefore
must be
some level of control
in an uncontrolled
sort of way
it seems.

Looking around
and seeing wonderful things
and knowing gratitude
but somehow
not really feeling it
like it sits on the surface
or maybe it sits in the depths
but somehow
it doesn't fill the space
in between the surface
and the depths
where I am
on the precipice
and so
I know things
like gratitude
but somehow
I don't really feel them
it seems.

Here there is no comfort
there is just survival
there is fear
but I am able
to block that out
as well
or maybe
I am not blocking it out at all
maybe
the fear
is also
not able to get
in between
the surface
and the depths
to where I am
and so
I am spared
the fear
as well
it seems.

But I know it's there.

And it knows I'm here.

And it waits.

And it watches.

While I rock
carefully
on the precipice
and I try to work out
what things
I need to throw
over the edge
to plummet their way
to the bottom
and I try to work out
which direction
I need to throw those things
when I finally work out
what those things are
because
if I throw the wrong things
or if I throw the right things
in the wrong direction
then I am sure
I will upset
whatever balance
there currently is
and then
I may not
be able to even see the precipice
on which I now sit
and feel unsafe
and uncomfortable
as much
that is
as I can feel these things
it seems.

But it is a precipice
because there are highs
and they are wonderful
and some of them lately
have shown more of me
the real me
than I have seen
in a very long time
and it was
wonderful
amazing
inspiring
to see me
the real me
but it was so short lived
although that glimpse
was so very worth it
if only
there wasn't the formidable
and unstoppable
swing of the pendulum
that never seems to find its level
and makes me doubt
that there even is a level at all
it seems.

So now you will find me
sitting on the precipice
my precipice
and I ask you
to forgive me
my self-indulgent
aloneness
and I ask you
just to think of me
now and then
and send me a blessing
over the air
that will reach me
where I sit
up so high
ready to fall
or to fly
it seems.

At The Moment

Am in a
very strange place
at the moment.

Not a bad place.
Not a good place.
Not even an indifferent place.

Just strange.

I'm sure
I will know more about it
once I have moved on
but for now
I will just be here
and see what there is to see.

There are very small things
that are playing over in my mind.

Daily things.
Mundane things.

That don't seem to be of any consequence
but which stay with me
until I say them out loud
and sometimes
even after that as well.

A neighbour who I've never met before
whose son is often here
who came here looking for him yesterday.

One of my cat's being deaf
and me worrying about
the practical side
of that transition
but also worrying about
what she makes of it
and particularly worrying about
whether she thinks
that I have stopped talking to her.

An unanswered text message
to my sister.

A dream of a member of my family
from whom I am estranged
who appeared behind me
and who I snapped and swore at
and who then laughed
and said he missed me
and everything was okay
and then meeting someone
in real life
the next day
with the same name
but with no other connection
to me
or my family
other than to serve to keep the dream
fresh in my mind.

Other ideas
that I do nothing with.

Twenty-fours hours in a day
the same for everything
the only thing
that is truly equal
in the lives of
every creature
on this planet.

But where do they go?

And why do my
thoughts and feelings
on each of those
twenty-four hours
change so rapidly
and through so many degrees.

Simple pleasures
that turn into addictions
and create sloth
and seem to sap the pleasure
out of so many other pleasures
so that when even the smallest accomplishment
is finally and actually accomplished
there is such pleasure
in this
stupid
boring
mundane
inane
and sometimes even insane
thing
that the sense of accomplishment
dwindles
so far
and so greatly
and so rapidly
that it would have been better
had it never existed
at all.

Did I mention
already
that I was in
a very strange place
at the moment?