Sunday, January 18, 2009

Just One Really Long Paragraph That Leads To The Abyss

Back to church today. Smaller than normal with the pastor and his wife away on holidays and all sound equipment etc locked away so just our musical guest on guitar, the pious Mr B on bongos and his good lady wife singing. No projector therefore no words for the congregation so just two "old songs that everyone will know the words to" that I don't think I've ever heard before and I didn't appear to be the only one. Perhaps I'm not the only one who is weak in the eyes of God, which is spiritually immature apparently, according to today's sermon. Am really struggling again to find peace in regards to church and am not sure what I'm doing there. Particularly as there is repeated references from different people (three in the last two times we have been there) to the fact that we're not meant to go to church for our own enjoyment but instead we should be devoted only to worshipping God. And I didn't even know the two had to be mutually exclusive. I'm not sure what is wrong with enjoying the music, or finding something meaningful in the sermons or liking the company and feeling of community. But apparently it is egotistical and detracts from ones love of God to seek out these things in church. Perhaps I'm twisting things and they're only said that way to conform to the ambiguity of religious scripture but this is what I am hearing. Ok, so I think I do know I'm in the wrong place but there are things there that I like and that I like my family being involved with so I'm not ready to step away. It is at the forefront of my mind again though so I will need to think more about it - perhaps even pray on it. Which leads me to another source of intrigue and doubt that I keep getting hooked up on - the voice of God or any type of spiritual messages and how they can relate to insanity or deception though misguided desire for self-importance. Or mayhaps I'm just too logical or too unspecial or too much in the mundane world or walking around with my eyes closed or walking around with my eyes open or not filled with enough faith or whatever. I don't know. And I don't know if I need to know, but it seems to me that I do and then it also seems to me to be careful what you wish for because when you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks into you.

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