Yes, the dreams are back. In all truth I love them although I am worried by some of them at the same time. They often contain very dramatic scenes on a particular theme. Not every time but fairly often. I am most concerned as I just do not believe these dreams are literal; it just doesn't fit with my reality, but still they recur. Obviously I am not getting the point, that is why I keep having these dreams. Either I am taking them too literally or I am not taking them literally enough. I hope that I do and that I don't find out which is which soon enough. Does that make sense?
And I have been thinking about how much I mistreat myself sometimes. Is this something that we all do? Nothing too serious but certainly taking conscious and repeat actions towards self-sabotage. I am trying. Trying, in fact, more than I have ever tried in my life. But my destructive actions seem to be as intense as my productive actions. Is this some sort of crazy-assed natural equilibrium nonsense within the universe? Actually, I think I know the reason. I think I am meant to learn something and only then will I be able to move forward on the self-improvement aspects that I am seeking. In truth, I don't deserve these rewards yet. I am willing to put in some of the hard work, but not all of it, and until I find my key to unlocking and releasing my true, unique self, I will not be able to resist and implement the willpower that I can exercise sometimes but not others.
It's interesting to note when my willpower is at it's lowest ebb, and that is from about a week before my monthly cycle. At these times I LOOOOVEEE chocolate, and wine and spicy food. What is that? It hasn't always been the way but it is something I am very aware of at the minute.
I really wish that I could find my key. I see that when I meditate and when I get enough sleep I am achieving much more these days then when I used to do these things and I take this as a definite sign of progress. I also think that I have made a lot of 'background' progress and that all I have to do is now act on it and I will be able to tap into the secrets I am starting to unlock. It's like I know the theory but I still struggle to put it into practice. This was one of the main reasons I really wanted to do YAAD and I have progressed a little in this respect but not as much as I would have thought. I guess that is something that is actually entirely up to me to make happen or not though.
Thinking about a lot of things again tonight.
Have finally set up wireless at home so am enjoying the luxury of being online while co-existing with the family. The Starchild and the smiley monster are in Sydney tonight visiting the Virgo Nurse and the cat of nine lives with clipped wings. I am hosting a junk-food dinner of chips and chocolate with Kman and the impossible princess while watching The Dark Crystal. Yes, such an old movie but we are all enjoying it. I will be lonely tonight once the widdies go to bed but I will still have lots to do to keep my occupied, as always. Have lots of fantastic blogs to catch up on and am looking forward to that, so expect a few comments to be coming your way - apologies if they are for posts that are a few days old.
I am also still thinking about the thing I am feeling drawn to do even though I know it will be a huge step out of my comfort zone so I really do and don't want to do it at the same time. Life is a challenge but it is good.