Wanna know what it is?
Ok, I'll tell you.
When I was growing up, I wanted to be a rock star.
Yeah, so, who didn't, right? And absolutely right you are to say as much. The secret is that I have never admitted that to myself until today. Sure, I thought about being a rock star and just tell me - who didn't dance around the their bedroom or lounge room with a make-shift mic rocking the house to their favourite bands at one point or another. But, I thought I was just mucking around and there was no chance in the world that I would ever become a rock star. This, I thought, was for the most part due to having no talent and a wholly unremarkable singing voice, even though so many others make it in spite or perhaps because of these traits. So, I didn't even think it was ok to dream of being a rock star as I had no idea what it took and no support or drive to get me to where it is that teen-aged rock stars are meant to be and the logical side of me constantly whispered failure confirming affirmation throughout every one of my performances.
Something I did know growing up was that I actually had no idea what I wanted to be or do with my life. I felt really lost and became quite resentful of a society that placed such unfair expectations on youths without giving them sufficient guidance to enable them to make the decision. Oh, if only I knew then what I know now.
With all of the realisations that I have been, well, realising as I get older, one thing is that nothing is impossible and it's ok to have multiple and even conflicting dreams. So, now that I'm all grown up, I've decided to claim the dream of wanting to be a rock star when I grow up. I don't care if it is silly or impossible or that it will never come to be to the level of the really famous rock stars, but I do care that it is something that I have always wanted and something that I would enjoy.
So, with the need for a YAAD dedication task at hand, this is what I am going to do. I'm going to perform. Yes, sing. And in front of real people, too. Nothing big time, mind you, but enough to tackle the fear of failing to ever become a rock star head on.
Now, I find myself looking back and thinking about the times I was picked to sing solo in primary school (ok, twice, and it was a very small school, but I'm still counting them) and how I loved being in the choir in primary and high school and how I really enjoy music with very basic keyboard skills and my sudden decision last year to learn guitar and I'm actually doing something about it.
Something else of note in this realisation is that this was something that I had to do myself. I really love the music at the church I go to so I thought I'd go down that route. I am quite good friends with the main singer and I have been tempted on several occasions to broach the subject with her as I felt I would also have her support as a friend, but had a strong sense that I really should talk to the leader of the worship team. Anyway, I ended up talking to the leader and she was very happy to have me on board. Then, when the word had gotten back to my singer friend, she told me how happy she was to have me joining them and how she was also going to ask me several times if I was interested. So, hats off to the universe for reinforcing the 'grab the bull by the horns and don't just sit back and wait for things to fall in your lap' message. You just gotta know what you want and make it happen yourself. Rally your resources by all means but don't wait for someone else to allay your fears and part the red sea to give you easy passage on the path of your dreams – that’s just not the way of the world, sorry folks!
So, last night was the monthly worship team meeting and off I went with my $35 purple ebay guitar and a keen heart. We talked mostly but we did a couple of songs and it was really great. It’s church camp this weekend (we aren’t going this year) so there won’t be a normal service but I’ll start to go to the rehearsals before service as of the following week and, before the 18th of April, I will sing. On the microphone. In front of real people. Woot!