Support. It comes in various shapes and forms, as does our dependence on it's existence.
Now, I'm not sure how much of this may apply to you, but I what I do know is that I, from time to time, find myself basing my decisions on how much support I feel.
Some of this centres on the types of people I have in my life, but I have to remember that support is not the only reason a certain person may or may not be in my life, regardless of my perception of the role they are *supposed to* play. I may turn to someone for support and if they don't deliver than I am usually inclined to have some sort of dummy spit or go off in a huff, either inwardly or outwardly. But that's really not fair. It's not fair on them because they obviously have value outside of this narrow expectation but it is also not fair on me because by doing this I am fostering co-dependence.
Alright, I am clearly heading down the 'virtues of independence' path here. The whole 'I can do anything because I am me' line of thinking and while that is wonderful, empowering and what I believe to be key to one of the few truths in the universe in that we, as individuals, can only rely on ourselves, that is not to say that we don't seek and value others, and rightly so. Gathering networks is tremendously important. No matter what the base tools are to success, we naturally work towards making our successes as easy and resistant free as we possibly can and having wonderful and supportive people on board is something we should all strive for.
But, what happens when we have a goal that we believe in but there is no one to support us? Do we give up on the goal? Do we allow our fear of failure to dominate our desire to try? Well, apparently so. In this situation, it is so typical to give up or to let go of our dreams just because we don't receive the immediate support that we want when what we should be doing is looking for alternate solutions.
The first barrier is the belief that we should only attempt something if someone else has offered us encouragement. For many of us, the fear or ridicule or negative judgement prevents us from even seeking that confirmation but if we do get so far as to float an idea to someone and we don't get 110% support, kind words and ego-stroking, then we tend to shrink back into ourselves and forget about the whole thing.
There have been a couple of things lately that I have been at this point with. I have wished dearly for support and encouragement and while I have been wise enough to understand that many people are so driven by their own ideals, failures or selfishness that they are not able to come to the party in terms of just 'being there for me'.
Being that I am stubborn and am increasingly better at decreasing my reliance on concern over the judgement of others, I decided that I just didn't need support. Life is, in essence, a solo journey. Yeah, ok, there are companions but for the most part is it is single pilot cockpit into which we are born so we'd better take hold of the wheel with both hands as there is only so much that the auto-pilot can deal with.
Yes, this is where I was at. I had a few things in mind and had raised them with the person that I most longed to support me and as the reaction was less than enthusiastic and I understood, non-grudgingly, that this person was looking after their own interests alone, I decided that I didn't need support and would have to just pursue things as I saw fit. And it harm none, do as you will, yes indeed, but these were things that I really wanted and knew that if I only tried then I was sure I could have a really good go at them. So I steeled my resolved and started to keep telling people of my plans without any expectation of support.
Then a surprising thing happened. I have a very dear friend of the kind that there will always be a comfortable click regardless of the time or distance between encounters. And it so happened that one night I was talking to this friend of mine and I spouted my spiel about one of my ideas without any expectation of support. And, what was forthcoming brought tears to my eyes through the separation of the phone line that connected us. His support was so evident. In his voice I heard the echoes of my own excitement and plans and promises to ensure he was there, some 45 minutes travel through his own family and one commitments, to be there for me. All this when the one I relied on had offered nothing of the sort.
At first my plans were explained at a very high level, but with his enthusiasm came more details from me and even more excitement from him. I found myself being very gratefully forceful in refusing to accept his presence as his show of support and it's kind of hard to explain without detailing my plan, but I don't really wish to talk through the details at this time.
Suffice to say, I had gotten over this ideal of support and was at the point where I truly believed that independence, courage and personal belief were the only tools I needed to achieve my goals and fulfil God's plan for me when out of the blue comes such touching and overwhelming true friendship and support.
Such is the way with my life. Just when I think I am learning God's rules to my existence and getting to understand that I need only rely on myself, I am given a deliverance of all that I have asked for, even if it is not in the way I expected or would have planned.
So, my question tonight is are my realisations false distractions and are these surprises deliverances on my initial prayers or are these surprises rewards for the realisations I have reached by believing that I know that all I need is me but God still wants to give me a helping hand so allows these deliverances into my life only once I have realised my own power that I need to act on?
Confusing? Hell, yes, and no matter what the answer is, I don't believe it will have any bearing on my choices this time and maybe never ever again.
All I know for sure is that tomorrow is a new day and I have grand plans for my future. Tomorrow is, literally for me, the first day of the rest of my life. And it is exciting, and scary, but necessary. I have so many ideas that I can no longer let them float around the never ending chasm that is my mind and I must now really start to help them to manifest themselves into reality. That may take some planning but it is something that I am definitely up for.