Friday, November 7, 2008

I Have Achieved

Why is it that there is such a mismatch between what we know we should or shouldn't do and what we actually end up doing?

I am having a very down day today. We need to spend $3000 on a reconditioned gearbox for The Starchild's truck and he also wants to spend another $850 on a clutch (nothing wrong with the current one but apparently clutches and gearboxes have a similar lifespan and are in the same place so it's easy to do them both at the same time and reduces the risk of additional costs and down time if the clutch goes in a few weeks). We don't really have the money but we will be doing our typical beg, borrow and steal tricks to get through. I should be grateful that we have options but all I can think of is how we haven't bought any Christmas presents and I don't have a job and there doesn't seem to be any way we will be able to get any money to fix everything up. Where's that glass half full person hiding today?

I just don't understand that I felt in my heart that things would be ok and this seemed to be supported by a number of different signs and omens. I know it hasn't been very long and I'm not expecting some sort of miracle but I didn't think things would just keep getting worse and worse. I had felt so balanced and now I feel so out of alignment.

I've had some recent calls from friends in need emotionally and I really feel like I have helped them but there's a little part in side of me that considers these situations and keeps telling me that I would prefer it if I could just not be involved with anyone else's problems. Some days I am so ok no matter how bad things seem and others I am thinking the worst. I wish I understood what makes each and then I could try to control it better. I guess I really know that the only difference between a good day and a bad day is your attitude and I believe I have full control over what I think but, like I say, there is a big difference between what we know and what we do anyway.

I feel so unproductive and as I look around at all of the things that I want to do, all I can think of is curling up in a little ball. Well, that's not all I can think of but it's probably the most socially acceptable of them all.

So, I really want to eat and I would really like to drink. Am thinking of a red bull but would dearly love to add a nip of vodka. So, I have neither. I feel like this is a test but I'm not convinced that passing it will make things better in any way. I feel fat and that makes me feel like a weak-willed failure. I have no job and that makes me feel like an unworthy failure. I have a messy house and that makes me feel like a lazy failure. I had cranky words with Craig and that makes me feel like a lonely failure. I have no money and that makes me feel like a futureless failure.

I really hope this post is going to be what I need to change things around. I hope that I can pour
out all of my negativity into cyberspace and then get my day onto a more positive track. And I know that I can do that if I want to. And I know that I am stubborn, which is a dark side trait but one that can be used for great good, like in my current situation. I can stubbornly refuse to succumb.

So, do to that I will use an affirmation that I can chant in my head over the next few hours, which will a) bring positive energy and b) drown out the mind chatter. Starting now: "I am surrounded by positive light; positive energy flows through me".

Next, I will make a To Do list for today. It's not too late. Here are the things that I will do as soon as I finish this post:
  1. Hang out clothes
  2. Exercise
  3. Lunch
  4. Shower
  5. Fold clothes
  6. Pack for weekend away
I know there are a gazillion other things that I want to do and that I will probably end up doing as well but if I do these six things then I will feel like I have achieved, and that's a good thing.

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