Another day where expectation exceeded reality. Mothers Day. A day when those who are grateful express gratitude and the otherwise resonating silence echoes in the halls of our days. My children hug me and kiss me and express pure and innocent joy while all others in my life are there and not here, a product of my own making, I'm sure.
I had two wishes of this day: to sleep in and to spend time with my outlaws. Not much to ask, surely, but neither happened.
In my adult life, Mothers Day has always been a sad day for me, where where my personal resistance is stood to answer for my hopes and dreams that I have sacrificed to no reward. And while reward was not the intent, insignificance was not the desire either.
Were I a stupid, good for nothing, layabout, trading hot-dogs for moments of mourning and poker machines for moments of commitment, then my return would be the greater, it seems. But I am me, passionate ambassador for right and wrong and wronger and righter of those who would never provide the natural equilibrium that my heart of hearts always believed in.
And today, I reap what I sow. Hugs and and joy from my own children, half-arsed efforts from my step-children, polite indifference from my blood Bear, and zero effort from my chosen one. Excuses mean nothing, he is what he is and that part of my life is what it is and together it makes me feel unworthy of existance. My tears make me feel ungrateful and my aching heart makes me feel selfish.
Yet, I understand. If no one else understands, I do. It is better to be knowingly alone and sure of ones standing than to build a life around those that care little and will never understand the pain and disappointment of pointless and unappreciated sacrifice.
So, on another day when I am meant to be appreciated, I sit alone and contemplate my choices, for if nothing else in this world is mine then my choices alone define me. I am not whole and I am not complete. I do not disclose all of who I am to anyone and as an honest and open person this is torture to my soul. Anonymous giving is truly rewarding but known giving followed by complete absence of appreciation and gratitude, well, I'm sorry but that just tears into my heart and makes me want to slap myself either for not being enough or for choosing a life where apathy is my reflection.
Such is where I am tonight. Happy Mothers Day.