Another day where expectation exceeded reality. Mothers Day. A day when those who are grateful express gratitude and the otherwise resonating silence echoes in the halls of our days. My children hug me and kiss me and express pure and innocent joy while all others in my life are there and not here, a product of my own making, I'm sure.
I had two wishes of this day: to sleep in and to spend time with my outlaws. Not much to ask, surely, but neither happened.
In my adult life, Mothers Day has always been a sad day for me, where where my personal resistance is stood to answer for my hopes and dreams that I have sacrificed to no reward. And while reward was not the intent, insignificance was not the desire either.
Were I a stupid, good for nothing, layabout, trading hot-dogs for moments of mourning and poker machines for moments of commitment, then my return would be the greater, it seems. But I am me, passionate ambassador for right and wrong and wronger and righter of those who would never provide the natural equilibrium that my heart of hearts always believed in.
And today, I reap what I sow. Hugs and and joy from my own children, half-arsed efforts from my step-children, polite indifference from my blood Bear, and zero effort from my chosen one. Excuses mean nothing, he is what he is and that part of my life is what it is and together it makes me feel unworthy of existance. My tears make me feel ungrateful and my aching heart makes me feel selfish.
Yet, I understand. If no one else understands, I do. It is better to be knowingly alone and sure of ones standing than to build a life around those that care little and will never understand the pain and disappointment of pointless and unappreciated sacrifice.
So, on another day when I am meant to be appreciated, I sit alone and contemplate my choices, for if nothing else in this world is mine then my choices alone define me. I am not whole and I am not complete. I do not disclose all of who I am to anyone and as an honest and open person this is torture to my soul. Anonymous giving is truly rewarding but known giving followed by complete absence of appreciation and gratitude, well, I'm sorry but that just tears into my heart and makes me want to slap myself either for not being enough or for choosing a life where apathy is my reflection.
Such is where I am tonight. Happy Mothers Day.
7 comments:
I am sorry, Wendy.xx♥
Wendy, I can so relate to your words. Totally.
I am sitting here gobsmacked.
Do you want to do coffee and a chat one day?? Maybe we could help each other.
Jen
xoxo
Oh Wendy:
It is what it is, but it doesn't make it right or okay.
'Excuses mean nothing, he is what he is and that part of my life is what it is and together it makes me feel unworthy of existance. My tears make me feel ungrateful and my aching heart makes me feel selfish.'
What he is, is not what you are Wendy, nor will it ever be. You are not unworthy as a matter of fact you are wonderful and have every right of existence.
Ungrateful and selfish, I don't understand you are neither of those. Your tears are what they are -- pain. And you don't deserve them.
Thank God for your children. Wendy take your cue from them. How happy they were to wish you a Mother's Day. It is not Wife's Day but Mother's Day and they love you and are happy with how you treat them.
Wendy you are young, please don't build a life around those that care little you are so much more than that. Build your life around you and the kids and the things that make you strong.
'but known giving followed by complete absence of appreciation and gratitide, well, I'm sorry but that just tears into my heart and makes me want to slap myself either for not being enough or for choosing a life where apathy is my reflection.'
That tears into my heart Wendy. Don't slap yourself, just stop giving of yourself into an empty well.
You are always enough Wendy.
I believe in you.
Love Renee xoxo
Oh honey - I'm speechless - huge hugs to you from one Mom to another - I understand, sadly but I so very much do. Don't blame yourself - it's not you. Hugs, Sarah
I can relate, having spent many such a Mothers Day when mine were little.
May sound harsh but sometimes it is better to expect nothing, then you can't be disappointed.
Love to you
xxx
You are deserving Wendy, don't make excuses of feel selfish, David always forgot me, never done anything nice, never got me a present and then in an argument once, he said to me, "your not my mother". Ok, said I and walked away crying. Over the next 3 months, I never washed his clothes, he would come home to no meal, and I would sit and eat a vegetarian dish I had cooked for myself, he was so shocked to begin with, "why aren't you cooking dinner" "I need clean clothes for work tomorrow", blah blah. My reply to these questions. Im not your mother, ring her and get her to do it or do it yourself. Also come Fathers Day that year I gave him what he gave me, SFA, I also didn't do the usual and take our son to get him anything, so he got nothing, that shocked him most of all, because I had always said that I would do that, but I never did. This was 3 years ago, the last 2 Mothers Days have been wonderful. How dare any man say that his wife is not his Mother, you do more for your husband than you do for your kids as they get older and they will eventually leave home, you will be stuck with the biggest baby for the rest of your life unless you do something about it. When a man leaves his Mother, his wife takes over where she left off. So you are his Mother and he needs to be made aware of just what you do for him and unfortunately they being an extremely selfish species only see what they have when they loose it. So the best way is to give them a taste of it, then they see clearly. You are a strong and fair woman, so bring in that stuborness that all aquarians posess and give the man some good life lessons now, before you get to a point where you won't want to, because then you will leave him. Making him suffer some concequences is a great way to save a marriage. Happy Mothers Day & Blessings to you beautiful Wendy
Wow Diana, i don't think anyone could have put it better...
I really feel for you Wendy, you are a truly loving person and so deserve to be given all that love in return...
hugs xxxx
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