Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Dreams

I've been very active in my dreams in the last four nights but the first two of these were the most intense. The other two have already all but faded from memory, so I will go back to the dream I had in the first of this lucid series.

In my dream I was reading the paper (which I make a habit not to do) and there was a story about a man having been sentenced to death by lethal injection. On reading the story I found that the man was a guy I used to go out with. I'll call him Leroy Brown for the sake of this entry. I was a bit shocked to read the article and there was an explanation of what he had done to be handed such a sentence, but I can't remember that any more.

The next thing I knew, I was with this Leroy Brown in my dream. He was wearing a white tunic thing like you wear in hospitals and he told me that he found a way to make the lethal injection not work straight away. He told me that it made him look like he was dead and the doctor has duly pronounced him so with the absence of any vital signs, but he had an arrangement with the porter and had woken and walked out of the hospital so he could come and see me.

Even in the dream I hadn't seen him for years, literally a lifetime between then and now. There was a very important reason that he had to come and see me and he explained it to me but it has also faded and the only recollection I have of that time of the dream is how he just wanted to be with me. How I had broken his heart and how he had toughened himself on the outside but how what he wanted more than anything else on his death bed was to just hold my hand again. Such romanticism was never a part of our reality but it quickly allayed the fears I'd had in my dreams of a walking love-zombie come back from the brink of death to spend his final hours with me. Insert ghoulish laughter here, I guess.

So, we spent time together and he explained what had happened as to why he had been sentenced to death, and it was fair and he wasn't trying to escape his punishment, only wanting to put it off for a few hours. I guess he must have kidnapped me in a sense but I ended up being a willing companion, but it was purely platonic, as they say. As a married woman or otherwise, snogging a zombie was beyond my personal boundaries of acceptable behaviour it would seem.

At the end of the dream it was very sad. There was some witch-doctor voice-over explaining how to tell me the secret of how he had postponed his death but it became very graphic with dismembered midsections being required to extract the antidote to the poison and there was a sense of futility as the only way to get the required midsection was from another victim of the same fate and thereby of no use as it was also poisoned.

Very weird.

The next night I had my usual recurring dream of betrayal in love. These dreams usually start around the time that I find out The Starchild has been unfaithful. There is usually a denial of "the facts" and then a full confession. At first I am numb and feeling like I will just have to accept it and then the anger sets in. I start to yell and flail my arms at him and he takes it because he deserves it but it doesn't change "the facts". I ask for details of who and where and when and eventually am told and it doesn't help my broken heart.

My screaming in my dream wakes me up and I am so surprised that I am not really screaming and am so convinced that I should be screaming that for a moment I almost will myself to lash out in wakefulness and continue my vocal anguish. Then I realise it was just a dream. And I tell myself that no matter how convincing my dream was, and no matter how many times I have different variations of the same theme, and no matter how plausible it might be, it just doesn't add up by the light of day.

I've worked out in the past that I often dream these dreams when I subconsciously feel The Starchild is neglecting me for the Virgo Nurse and the nine live cat with clipped wings. It was quite comforting to have drawn this conclusion. But that is definitely not how I am feeling now. So I am confused. And I even had questions on the tip of my tongue to ask. He gets up so early and is so clouded by sleep himself. I told him I had a bad dream and he said "I'm sorry" and I almost started screaming again for real then, but he couldn't have been sorry for the content of my dreams as he didn't know what they were. And I don't tell him about them anymore as I think it is unfair and insulting. He works so bloody hard and my stupid unconscious wants to torture me into thinking I am being neglected and betrayed in the worst way. Pffh to that, I say.

The next nights dream was about a market stall in the streets, I've had that one before as well. But I can't remember any more. And there is nothing about last nights one at all that I remember. I might be coming out of the lucid dream phase. It was over the new moon so I'll keep an eye on that.

Nothing else to report except that I'm feeling divine and like I will shine in 2009!

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