Caring for

When my world keeps falling apart,
Why do I keep picking up the pieces?

My life is a direct result
Of my choices.

This is something
I firmly believe.

But everything is 20/20 vision
In hindsight.

My mistakes were made
With the best intentions.

Because I believe
In others.

Because I believe
In loyalty.

But I am betrayed
Again and again.

I keep making the same choices
The same mistakes.

I keep believing
In the people I love
But I keep being shown
That all this leads to
Is me being hurt
And them not caring.

I don't know
If I can stop caring
And I don't want to find out.

I want to care.

I just need people in my life
Worth caring for.

Try it

Sometimes stuff
just jumps in my head
like a line to a song
that replays in your head
over and over
until you find the connection
or something else
diverts your attention.

For me
at the moment
it is
semi-permeable membranes.

It is the thing
that I visualise
when I am feeling
vulnerable
when I know that
protecting myself from the bad
doesn't mean
stopping the good
from getting in.

I was first introduced
to semi-permeable membranes
in high school science.

I did well in science
first in the year when it was compulsory
but stupidly
didn't take it as an elective.

To me it was too intrinsic
to try to define
and I struggled with that
and didn't realise
that the system wasn't designed
for you to learn
more about
the things that you were
truly interested in
and that you could grown from
but was more about
the things that you could define
that you could meet the criteria for
without extending yourself
or challenging the conventions
which are the things
that have such an influence on
the results you are measured by.

But I digress.

In high school science
I was introduced to
semi-permeable membranes

A simple and demonstrable experiement.

One substance
in dialysis tubing
of a differnt colour
to a different substance
in which the tubing is submerged.

Some particles
can't pass through
the membrane
but others can pass
both in and out.

This is my understanding
of how we can exist
in a world with such negativity
with a heart driven by positive forces.

The semi-permeable membrane.

Also termed a
selectively permeable membrane.

But who makes the choice?

Ultimately
we do.

So
I am the membrane
that allows some things in
while keeping others out.

I let the good things in.

I stop the rest from penetrating.

A very powerful visualisation.

Try it!

No More

To stand so close
so far away
makes me stronger, sadder, bolder
and there's nothing that you say
in your silence
in your gloom
there's no action
justice not
for the absent part you play.

So take me in your arms
while you reject me in your heart
that doesn't even try to know
the soul
the spirit
never trie
from end to start.

An understanding
ever absent
ever longed for
never born
a youth unclaimed
a soul untamed
left to languish
peices torn.

Weeping nightfall
weeping dusk
weeping noon-time
weeping dawn.

Weeping heartbreak
weeping anger
weeping sorrow
weep no more.

Can do

When I bared my soul
you stood cold.

Did you smile?

Are you that
sadistic?

When I opened my heart
you willingly took
but with resentment
that has festered into blame
because your couldn't bear
to share.

You had to be the centre
you had to be the all
and rather than growing up
and learning about the world
you aimed for the closest target.

I was close
because I was there
but that is not even acknowledged.

You have cut off
those who don't worship you
because just liking you
is not enough.

They must bow down.

They must lift you above all else.

They must rebel
in vehemenent condemnation
without honest and fair representation
of the reality
so that you are seen as perfect
when perhaps you're just sick.

But I am not
the bad guy here.

I made mistakes
but they were honest ones
and the good
was far greater
so why don't you just
acknowledge that?

Giving of yourself
in practical ways
that have an underlying
yet undeniably narcissistic foundation
is not really
giving of yourself at all.

Giving of yourself
is opening up.

Is being vulnerable.

But that is a weakness to you
not a strength.

And you pride yourself
on hating those
who are able to do this.

And you are wrong.

But that doesn't mean
you don't have worth.

It is just a temporary state.

But it is one
that will remain
until you let it go.

You are holding on.

You are keeping it in the present.

I'm sure you hurt
but you have been offered
love
kindness
understanding
empathy
acceptance
yet you are do unwilling
to accept these gifts
and offer them in return.

We all have failings
and my youth
and struggles in the absence of support
have
no doubt
affected you
but can you just stop for a moment?

Can you just take a look around you?

Can you image the alternatives?

Can you see all that was done for you?

You are not asked to repay.

You are not asked to
make the same sacrificies.

You are not
held captive
to an unrepayable debt.

You are just asked
now that you are well beyond the age
and intelligence
and experience
and capabilities
to acknowledge
and to stop
the unfair
active
vehemenent hate
that drives your existence
and affects those
who love you.

But I am on the outer.

I am the stranger.

And there is little
I can do.

Absolute Turmoil

Feeling
In the full swing
Of life lessons.

Surely
All of this pain
All of this confusion
All of this struggle
Has a purpose
Has a reason
Has a blessing.

Why do I
Keep trusting people
Who let me down
Who betray me?

Is it my expectations?

Is it my view on life?

Is it my interpretation
Of my experiences
And how that relates
To what I observe?

Why do I evoke
Such an aggressive attitude
In others?

Why don't people
Understand
Trust
Respect
Accept
Acknowledge?

Why do I let people
Into my life
My experiences
But am not
Invited
Accepted
Into theirs?

Why do people
Shut me out?

Why are my intentions
Perceived so differently
By others?

Why do I not do
What I know in my heart
To be for
My greater good?

Why does the drive
For self sabotage
Dominate all else?

Why the struggle?

Where is the
Self-acceptance?

Life lessons.

Feeling confused
And guilty
That my life lessons
Seem so
Incongruent
With the real
Unchangeable
Uninfluencable
Struggles
Of others
Who share my timeline.

Am I living
In the future
Of our world
Or
Am I living
Too internally
Being too selfish
Too self-centered?

What I feel
I am giving
To others
To the world
Is not received
Is not accepted
Is not recognized
But more than that
It is shunned
It is rejected
It hurts
It causes conflict.

What are my gifts?

How can I give them?

I try
But I am misunderstood
In such a negative way.

Life lessons.

Lessons have a purpose.

They have a deliverable.

Why is what
I feel driven
Compelled
To give
Is so unappreciated?

Why are my gifts
My strengths
Not of benefit to others.

Every day
For as long as I can remember
I have felt out of step
And have felt the struggle
Of trying
And never succeeding
And of not knowing
If I should change
Or if I should try
To change the world.

Arrogant?

I don't know.

Somethings
Even the things
Within me
Don't make sense to me.

I try to live
Without the labels
But it is the labels
That help us make sense
Of our experiences.

I know I am difficult
For those around me.

I know
People feel insecure
Feel threatened
By things they don't understand.

But why do they
Judge me so harshly?

I believe in my heart
That I am good
That I am here for a reason
That I have something to give to others
But my experiences
My interpretation
Is so conflicting
To what is in my heart.

What I don't know
Amongt the multitude of things
That I don't know
Is how to exist
Day by day
With these unanswered questions
That fill me with
Such absolute turmoil.

In place

Trying to remain hopeful
Tring to remain open
Trying to remain optimistic
And listen to the messages
From the universe.

But struggling.

Realising today
That I am once again
reliant on the mask.

The mask that
I worked so hard
To live without.

That I was able to
Discard
Through acceptance of
And kindness to
Myself.

The ine I once again
Need to wear
In order to
Find a way to live
Without offending
those around me.

I feel so misunderstood
And unappreciated
And unworthy
And judged.

In a world
Full of people
Who write me off
And put me down
Without even trying to understand
Me
Or my struggles.

Trying to listen
To the universe
But getting
Mixed messages.

The synchronicities are strong
And powerful
And they resonate
But they tell me one thing
In one moment
And the opposite
The next.

Knowing
That there are many things
To work on
And that many of my actions
Do not heed the good advice
That is in my heart and my head
But not knowing
How to stop
Self sabotaging.

Knowing
I am being told
That these things are important
That they need to change
But needing the distraction
They provide.

Knowing
That I am a challenge
And knowing
That most find it difficult
And deal with this
Based on their own
Experiences
Strengths
And weaknesses
But when I am deemed
To have no offsetting value
Is demoralising.

I don't deserve
To be treated like shit
And I have a right
To stand up for myself
But this only makes it harder
To get along.

The mask is safer.

It disrespects
My spirit
And my soul.

But it is the only way
To make it through.

I feel
And I speak
But these things
Are not valued.

Broken friendships.

Broken heart.

Trusting no one.

Safer to withdraw
And to only come out
When my mask
Is securely in place.

I do

Feeling
Like I am working harder
And being less appreciated
Than I have ever been before.

I struggle with ego.

Not so much mine
Or at least more than average.

But I struggle
With the ego
Of others.

I find it confronting
When someone says something
Only to be shot down
Or my advice'd
Or me, me, me'd by another.

Rather than simply
Being listened to
To being heard
To being able to express themselves
Without judgement.

There is no safe space.

We wish for it.

We imagine it.

But it does not exist.

Because no one else
Can ever be trusted
With our inner most thoughts.

These are the ones
That we need to process
Independently.

Without the influence
Of others
Who have a different perspective
A different focus
A different grasp on reality.

And that necessarily means
The world is
In all reality
Made up in some
Complete arseholes.

But that is the nature
Of The World.

And as much
As I hate it,
I see it for what it is...

I live that exists
Beyond the ideals
Of decency
Of common sense
Of all possible outcomes.

Time is cruel.

It teaches us things
That we learn alone
That we can only dream to share
With those who can do
Anything about them.

It takes so much
And delivers so little.

It deprives us
With little reward.

It promises the world
And delivers an atlas.

Life is full
Of swings
And round abouts.

We go up.

We go down.

As we constant go
Round and round
None the wiser
But certainly more
Dazed and confused.

None if it makes sense.

Most of it is confusing.

Much of it is abhorrent.

But what can we do.?

What can we change?

What could we effect
Even if we still had
The heart to do so?

Regretfully
Painfully
Aware.

Seeing the good
As well as the bad
But only seeing the bad
As having any longevity
And resonance.

Enough.

Is what I've had.

But I've this point and time
Just what can I do?

Easily Ruptured

It's been you all along
Undermining
Destabilising
And now you have lost your hold
Your position of power
You can see
That yours was a tower of cards
That was built on ego
That rejected love
And as your tower falls
And you are left with nothing
Within the hollow chambers of your heart
Because you shut everyone else out.

It was your doing
Your choice
You wanted to protect
Your sick
Twisted
Perception
Regardless of who you hurt
And now your chickens
Are coming home to roost
And you speak
When you used to be silent.

The still waters
That run so deep
Are dark
And malice filled
And when you speak
You are showing others
What I have seen
All these years
And it's not very nice.

And that's exactly
Who you are.

I thought I was mad.

I thought I had it wrong.

I thought I was unfair.

But it was you
And your twisted
Sick
Desires
To be everything
To someone
Who did everything
But who has to go on
Without you
And you have grown
Because that is how the world works.

But not in your head.

In your head
You were all
That he needed.

But that's not right.
That's not natural.
That's not fair.

But that didn't stop
Your childish
Selfish
Ego
That still
After all these years
Can't see anything
From anyone else's point of view.

That's not fair.

You're not fair.

Your words hurt.

But at least they have finally been said
And what I have seen
Is now being seen by others.

And even though
They will forgive you
I will not.

You don't seek forgiveness
Because in your eyes
You are perfect
When in reality
No one is perfect
And it would be laughable
Except that you have hurt
Those who have done more for you
That anyone else in the world.

Blood or not
You only offer rejection.

I would pity
Your sickness
But I am to hurt
And you are old enough
To know better
But you choose to hold onto anger
And that prevents you from seeing
The sacrifices that were made for you
Willingly
Gladly
Without any need
For anything in return
But this is too much.

I can't keep giving
When getting kicked in the teeth.

This cuts to deep
For me to forgive
When no responsibility is accepted.

I can't keep
Putting myself out there.

You may not have grown up
But there are only 10 years between us
And I have grown up
And you are as dead to my present
As a stranger
Because that is the only way
I can look at you
And move forward
When you are beyond selfish.

You are hurtful.

You are spiteful.

You are passive aggressive.

And I finally respect myself enough
To reject your twisted reality
That wants everything
But without  acknowledgement
Of how our why you have it.

I wish it were different.

My heart is big enough
To embrace all you are
But it is not strong enough
To not be effected by your distasteful
And offensive selfishness
And so I end it.

You will always be in my life
But my life lesson
For having you in my life
Is to stand strong
And not let your particular brand of crazy
Destabilise all I have built.

I am not codependant.

I am not pathetic.

And I will no longer be
Your source of amusement
And sadistic pleasure
When I am not afraid to show
That I am human.

When I'm cut
I bleed
But bleeding stops eventually
And the scar tissue
Is Not as easily ruptured.

Acceptance

Acceptance.

That is all.

That is everything.

What it means to me
May not be
What it means to you.

Where it is hurting within me
May also be
Where it is hurting within you.

Acceptance.

Rather than trying
to understand
to explain
to  reconcile
the feelings within me
that may also be
the feelings within you
and the resonance
my passion echos
I need to just
accept.

Not to deny.

Not to justify,

Not to explain.

Not to reconcile

Just to accept.

That is all.

That is everything.

Acceptance.

One of Them

Snap.

Yes indeedy.

Big, mighty, and powerful.

Snap.

And the build up
was obvious
and the outcome
was inevitable
and the fallout
was terrible
and now
the air is clear.

The fear of
holding it all in
finally became greater
than the fear of
letting it all out.

And let it all out I did.
Yes indeedy.

Tumultuously so.
Tempestuously so.
Terrifyingly so.

With so much
physically
emotionally
and spiritually
to pick up afterwards.

Some things are
irreparibly broken,
but only the things
that don't really matter
and that perspective
is a true blessing.

Some things have been
thrown away
but only the things
that I should have thrown away
a long time ago
and that release
is also a true blessing.

Some things
still stand
bent but not broken
and their persistence
is a reminder
of the depth
of their love
and a recognition
of mine
and those are the things
that really matter
and are the truest blessing of all.

And I know
this is not the end
of this struggle.

And I know
life is full
of swings
and roundabouts.

But just for now
all of the pain
all of the anger
all of the confusion
has taken a step back
and provided me with
an opportunity
to take a step forward.

I can still see it
feel it
lurking
not even in the shadows
but even those two steps
between my now
and my yesterday
are enough.

Do I want it gone forever?

Yes.

And
no.

For as unbearable as it seems
and as close as I am
to the precipice  of the abyss
never knowing
if I will take my next step
forwards
or backwards
it is part of my journey
it is something I need
to experience
to learn from
it is part of who I am meant to be
it is me.

And acceptance
is the only thing
that negates the struggle.

Not always easy
when betrayal
and abandonment
always want to
tag along for the ride.

And acceptance
is more than tolerance.

Acceptance
needs
respect.

But does it have to be
a two way street?

Is it something
I can project
without receiving?

The me of today
answers in the affirmative
but knows there are some
where this is not the case
and wonders
with equal parts of
loathing and desire
if she will ever
be one of them.

Any of you

Family.

Strange
and
estranged.

Trying to learn to live
without them
when they are still here
is impossible.

Wondering
how it will feel
when they are no longer here.

Regretful?

Yes, surely.

Wistful?
Indeed.

But what can I change?

There are only so many times
I can reach out
and try
and try
and try
in the face of your condemnation.

None of you need me.

None of you want me in your lives.

These things are
all too painfully obvious.

Why do you defend
the attacker
and not the one attacked?

Because I am strong
does that mean it's ok
to tear my family apart
and then move on
leaving me
hurt
bewildered
unrecovered?

If I am the one
who always valued family
more than anyone else
(your words)
how did I end up
being the one
left out in the cold?

Is is because I dared to speak up
again
as I do?

I'm not here
to win friends and influence people.

I'm not interested in games
and power plays
and manipulation
and competition
and controlling others.

I'm just interested
in my family
my parents
my siblings
my nieces and nephews.

But  I'm the one
still crying
still hurt
who has tried to forgive
but finds that so hard
when there is no acceptance
no responsibility
no apology.

When every time I reach out
I am ignored
and then lectured.

And again I ask
what you would have me do
to try to fix this rupture
that I didn't create?

You suggest this.
I remind you of each time
I have tried exactly that.

You suggest that.
But I have examples of that too
which I have tried so many times
and you know
and you agree
and you see that I have don't just that.

But somehow
I am the one
who is the problem
because I don't think
it's acceptable to lie about me
in my mothers house
to refuse to acknowledge me
within the walls
of the home I grew up in
to ignor my greeting
after driving my family
2 hours
to be there
to abuse me
because I don't roll over
any just take it
while all of my family
sits around the table
passing the salt
and raising their glasses
in silent affirmation
that it's ok
to treat me this way.

I want to say that it is ok
to not be part of each other's lives
but it's not ok to me.

I wish I could
just get over it
and move on
but every day
that my family aren't in my life
is another day
of betrayal and abandonment.

Another year
Birthdays
Babies
Weddings
Funerals
Even just the daily grind.

Another year
or ten
or twenty.

Another lifetime.
Where did the time go?
Who are you now?
Who are your children?
What have you told them?

I bet you haven't told them
about the physical
mental
and emotional abuse.

I bet you haven't told them
about who I really am.


I know that
the reality is
you have all moved on
very happily without me
and the fact that is fine with you
keeps my wounds open.

I have tried to move on
from each of you
for different reasons
in the same way
you have moved on from me
but after all these years
I admit defeat.

I am the common denominator.
Everyone else is fine. Obviously.

I can't do it.

I can't know myself
without my family.

You are my blood.

I did not choose you
you were chosen for me.

And whatever I am
and whatever I am not
the bottom line is
I'm just not as important to you
as you are to me.

And I don't have the energy anymore
I don't have the resilience of spirit
I don't have whatever is needed from me
to get you all back in my life
even if you did want me there
but didn't know how to make it happen either.

Some of you have known me
all of my life
and yet my words
my actions
my reasons
are what you say they are
not what I say they are.
How can that be right?

You know who I am.
You know I am honest.

You know I am sincere.
You know I am loyal
and supportive
and loving
and caring.

And you know I am hurting.

But none of that matters
as much as your pride
and your path of least resistance.

I can't be
whatever it is you want me to be.

But I guess
you can't be
whatever it is I want you to be either.

And that's just how it is.

But it doesn't mean
that I am not filled with longing
every day for my family.

It doesn't mean
that when I see other families
bent, broken
normal or otherwise
still trying
and being in each other's lives
that I don't covet that too.

To share each other's joys.

To support each other.

To watch our children grow.

I wish I could just write it off
as your loss
but it is my loss as well
and my children's loss.

How does that not matter to
any of you?

I show you

Sick of being
disrespected.

Sick of being
unappreciated.

I don't need
the constant
barrage
of your stupid
ignorate
absence of care.

I've got my own baggage,
my own demons
and I don't have room
to carry yours as well.

I can stand by you
I can be there for you
I can support you
But you can't turn on me
and then wonder why
I take a step away from you.

Would one fucking compliment be too much to ask?

Would one fucking unprompted "thank you" be completely out of the question?

Would one fucking sincere apology be just too much against the grain of your being?

Take responsibility
without turning it into
a fucking pity party.

Stand up
and accept when you are wrong.

Be honest
with yourself and with those around you.

All I ask
is that you just
show me the respect
that I show you.

*sigh*

Open minded,
intelligent,
free-thinkers
with
one-sided opinions
and
no consideration of
or respect for
the experiences,
values,
beliefs
and the
right to free speech
of others
when they
dare
to see things differently.

When you
truly believe
there is
value
in everyone
you meet
and
an opportunity
to learn
and
grow
from every encounter,
you will
stop forcing
your
bigotted,
small-minded
views
on
everyone else
and
will really
walk
the
talk.

*sigh*