Selfish

Depression is selfish.

It steals your view
of the outside world.

It stands between you
and the people in your life
and laughs as they, too
fade away into the distance.

It holds your gaze
so your can't behold
the beautiful parts
of the world
as they pass you by and by.

It trips you over
and kicks you when you're down.

It won't be reasoned with
but it loves to argue
and to spend countless hours
convincing you
of the futility
and the pain.

It is cold.

It is hungry.

But most of all,
it is selfish
and it consumes us
with the might of the power
that we really have at our own disposal
although we can't see it
because depression is so, so selfish.

Not Possible?

Constantly haunted
by memories of images
I have never seen before.

Dreams
melding with reality
so much so
that it's hard to tell
one from the other.

Yet the scenes appear so strong
and the people so real
that I find it hard to believe
I don't "really" know them
and am drawn to think
about alternate realities
and the ability of the human being
to day walk between the two.

Who's to say
this is not possible?

My Friend

Chaos
usually so hard to deal with
but lately
it is an acceptable companion.

This has surprised me
to no end.

Usually I find myself
entering overwhelm
with my physical surroundings
echoing my mental state.

Currently
circumstances
have created a physicalchaos
everywhere I look
but it doesn't seem to bother me.

In this current chaos I see opportunities
progress
necessary changes
and all of these things
I welcome in my life.

Despite a huge
and dramatic
inexplicable
downturn
last week
that left me
truly
dumbfounded
this week
I am ok
or atleast
somewhat approaching
whatever version of ok
seems to be real
for the time being.

Despite terrible circumstances
befalling me and mine
I am still positive this week.

Next week
well who knows
but this week
chaos is good
and necessary
and something that I can
and want to
work with.

Chaos seems to be
my friend.

My Sleeve

One step forward
two steps back.

The big guy is a bully.

That's how he became a big guy.

And also why I'm just a little guy,
because and don't
won't
and hopefully never will
lower myself
to the actions
that move you through your life.

I'm so angry.

But I refuse to feel helpless.

There is always something
we can choose to do.

And even a non-risk-taker like me
still has a few surprises
up my sleeve.

What Comes Of It

There are so many words
floating around my head.

Coming to me
at the most unexpected
and impractical
times
and they appear to be
pure poetry to me
but because I can't record them
I don't have the benefit
of being able to sit back
and reflect on them critically
in order to ascertain
whether they truly are worthy
or just
y'know
words.

While I read so many
truly amazing literally works
and while there are many, many more
perhaps ever more worthy
that I haven't read
I'm not sure whether my own efforts
really measure up
but I can say
I feel a deep and insistent calling
to put my word thoughts to paper
(or at least electronic copy)
and see what comes of it.

Myself Again

My sister

my roomie
my defender
my guide
my protector
my trend-setter
my benchmark
my first best friend.

What happened?

Why has it been so long
since last we spoke
or made any sort of contact.

There really is no reason.

I have to wonder
if I am feeling so betrayed
by each member of my family
(which I do)
behaps I
as the common denominator
am really the cause
of the problems
and therefore
am really the cause
of my own pain.

How did we get here?

Well, I needed you
and I couldn't ask
because I could barely
do the most basic of things
to make it through each day
let alone put myself out there
so vulnerably
when any time I have done that before
you still just see me as strong
and like I should be doing better
and like the pragmatic warrior within me
would take over
so you didn't need to worry.

But that pragmatic warrior
put down her sword
and began to cower behind her shield
a long, long time ago
and you never even noticed.

So at my lowest
I offended you
by not being able to venture out of the house
and I understand why you might be hurt by this
but you haven't even tried
so push aside my mask when it was at it's thinnest
and see what I was at that time
what I was going through.

And now
as I am getting better
all of the hurts that I am trying to heal
keep being torn open again
because we don't know each other anymore.

And while I know that the images and scenarios I see around me
of connected families
are either misrepresented
or come with their own burdens
I still miss you.

And I can't explain to my kids
why we don't see you
and your kids - my neice and nephew
and while it weighs so heavily on my heart
I know you don't process things the way I do
and where I have pain
you have dismissal
and there is no way
I can ever trust any reconciliation
should one ever be forthcoming
(even though this is not something
I can even envisage at this time)
so I won't
extend my hand to you
because doing so
would again extend my heart to you
and
like a sprained ankle needs strapping for protection
and rest to allow it to heal
so to does my heart
and you are now
harmful to my recovery
and I cannot do that to myself again.

Time

Control.

More of an illusion
than reality.

Striving for control creates struggle.

Relinquishing control invites nothingness.

How to find the balance.

What is helpful?

What is instinctual?

At what point does action reject a tendency or inclination?

Answers lead to more questions.

More to think through.

Which is taking up
even more of my already limited time.

One step at a time.

Sometimes it's just one minute at a time.

Success of sorts tonight.

Seeking control.

Creating struggle.

But winning.

One small victory
in a never ending battle
but a victory never the less.

Striving to repeat the positive action
to create the positive habit.

Getting there.

Slowly.

Maybe.

One step at a time.

Divinity

So, so many ups and downs.

This is my life.

As it is the life of many
I would suspect.

Today I am hopeful
and that counts as an up
even though my mind is racing
with the multitude of things
that I need to be on top of
and my anxiety levels
are teetering on the edge
as some recent unexpected setbacks
int he mundane world
have put me so much further behind.

Until recently
I have only ever seen
God at work in my life
and never a negative "force"
that worked in the same way.

So many times
it is like I have been delivered
exactly what I needed.

Some small things
some big things
and I have been grateful
not only that I have received these things
that I have seen as gifts from God
but also because
my heart has been open
to see them that way at all.

But lately
there have been a few instances
more than just coincidences
where I have felt positive about something
had a good plan
been motivated
and something happens
that seems to speak to me
as directly as those positive things
but in a negative and destructive way.

This has really left me questioning
some of my beliefs about the shadow side of divinity.

Worlds Apart

This is everyone.

Worlds apart.

This Time

As loss is only temporary
so is the pain of loss.

Some things have a way
of working themselves out
and this leaves me grateful
as I had beeen
before the fall.

Tonight I am content.

Things are not perfect.

Indeed,
they are really so far
from perfect
that it's not fully.

But things are stable.

And that about as good
as I can expect
at this time.

Within You

Something I have long pondered
and possibly even blogged
(but who knows)
is the illusion of relationships.

We
as human beings
are designed
to form relationships
but
by the nature of life
our relationships
almost never
last as long
as our individual lives.

As a result
we
as human beings
are therefore designed
to be able to overcome
the loss of any given relationship
no matter how deep
or how shallow.

That does not
however
mean we dont suffer
great pain
when we lose
a relationship.

Whether someone is taken from us
or whether we are discarded
doesn't really matter.

The end result is the same.

We are alone.

As we were made.

As we will end.

And so we must overcome
the loss
of a relationship
a friendship.

We can always hope
it is just temporary.

And we can always offer
love and support
from our side of the relationship
even if it is not wanted.

And we can always console ourselves
that these things
are often
more about the other person
than ourselves.

But from my point of view
my feelings didn't change
and I want to be there for you.

But at the moment
I just feel discarded
and I feel
like you never really meant
anything you said to me.

I know you must do
what you feel
is honouring your own truth
but I am still hurt
that you treated me as a friend -
what I thought was a real friend -
and at the moment
that seems not to count for anything.

So now
all I can do
is send you love
and hope that
whatever hurt
or misalignment
or whatever it is
that has brought you to this decision
and this action
heals within you.

Me Today

Why is my life so behind
when my mind races
a thousand million miles
ahead of where I am
at any given time.

This seems to create a state
of insynchronicity.

And it sucks.

But meanwhile,
back in my dreams,
there was an amazing house
that may not be everyone's cup of tea
that I fell in love with
and we negotiated to buy.

It felt nice there.

Other than that
my lesson to day
is that you can't find motivation -
you have to create it.

That is the biggest message
coming through\
for me today.

My Dreams

There is so much to say
and none of it makes sense.

How can I explain
what I am feeling
when I can't
make sense of it myself.

My dreams
even though I know
they are not my reality
seem to be
the most real of all.

If only I could exist
day to day
within my dreams.

I Want To Believe

Good days.

Bad days.

They are all merging into one.

One elastic existance
stretched so tight
that it has lost all elasticity.

Flux.

Change.

Yet somehow completely stagnant.

I am just one of a million
billion
trillion
gazillion
points
in the eternal question of life.

Yet
amongst all this
I have a feeling
that these are truly
the best days of my life.

My children are happy, healthy and adore me as much as they know I adore them.

My marriage is overflowing with love, support and connectedness.

My home is comfortable and is being paid off.

My friends are true blessings.

I have work.

I have food.

I have heat.

I have clothes.

I have many luxuries and many reasons to live.

It's hard to work out where my head is at
when I know these things
and I feel them
and I really do experience profound love and happiness
but sometimes I am just sad beyond sad.

I don't need a reason.

I don't need an explanation.

I just need some sort of consistency.

Some sort of logic.

Some motivation to keep going
that I feel in my heart
to support what I already know in my head.

I still believe this will come.

And I want to believe.

With Purpose

There has never been
a time in my life
where I have felt
on top of things.

I see now
that seeking control
over one's life
is folly
but I still see the difference
between a harmful state
of seeking control
and an unstable state
of feeling out of control.

My life
is well and truly
the latter.

Am I lazy
because I don't do the things
that I would like to do?

Or do I think to much
and spend so much time
in my head
planning
creating new ideas
that I don't leave enough time
after the mundane tasks are attended to
(or not attended to as the case may be)
to progress my ideas, plans and projects?

Ego hopes it's the latter.

But the little voice
full of words
that force cognitive fusion
tells me it is because I am useless
pathetic
worthless
incapable
weak
lazy
selfish
and so on
and so fifth.

However it is
or however I suppose it to be
I am not living
the life I want
to the point
where I don't feel
like I am living at all.

I have never felt
an absolute purpose
above random and whimsical desires
that lack any semblance of concrete reality.

There is nothing that I do
well enough
to forge into a vision
of who I am
that I would then be able to
manifest into being.

Drifting.

That is all.

Sometimes floating.

Sometimes sinking.

But never charging ahead
with purpose.

Will Be

When was that simple time?

A time I have never known;
and one which I will
never know again.

I never knew
how things were meant to be
and in that absence of vision
my present was formed.

How can I keep doing this?

Nothing is.

Nothing was.

And nothing ever will be.

I Have

How did I go
from the me I was a few days ago
to the me I am today?

Such a short distance
in time
but as far from one another
as the sun is from Pluto.

How?

Why?

Can I get back on the path I was on?

Do I even want to?

What other options do I have?

Still Okay

So today you saw a glimpse
of the fragility
that is the surface
of my existance
and you didn't run screaming from the room
as I wanted to
at feeling so exposed.

So today you saw a glimpse
of the reality I face
and even though it was just a fraction of my thoughts
and how they affect me
you could still see how deeply these waters run
and you didn't show the replusion
that I feel
at being me every day.

So today you saw a glimpse
of how I view the world
and the tears that fall
a million times
on the inside
of whoever it is I am
and you came to me
and you help me
and you made me feel loved
and supported and understood
rather than turning your back on me
and my pain
like so many of the people
I have loved
have done.

So today you saw a glimpse
of me
and I hated it
but I am grateful
that you were there
for me to open up to
in more than the many words
that we have shared before
and it made me scared
but it was still okay.

Miss Me

I miss you.

I miss not having you in my life.

I miss not the faded memories
of the time
when we knew each other
and when we didn't think
anything of being together
because it was our lives
at the time.

I miss those days.

I miss those nights.

I miss the troubles of then
which are nothing
to the troubles of now.

I miss you.

I miss me.

I Know

Such a balanced day today
so different
from so many
of the days recently.

Everything has seemed
like it is swinging
so far
from one extreme
to the other
but the highs
are not so high
while the lows
have still been
so low.

But today
everything feels different.

I am reacting differently.

I am focusing differently.

I am planning differently.

I just feel different
and it is the kind of different
that I am happy to feel.

There are so many questions
within myself
and of those questions
there are a lot
that I know the answers to
that I can see the lines
where they are drawn
where they lead
and I know what it means
and what has to be done.

Why, then
do I not do
what I know?

Beseeching You

When the gleaming
beam of light
streaming through the clouds
screams as loud
as the crowd of angels
on the chords
of God's word
then I know
you are reaching for me
as I am searching for
and beseeching you.

Like This

Today has been
a day of unexplained overwhelm.

I could feel it coming.

The first thing
I usually notice
is that I lose my words.

It's like I am talking
and my brain is used to the words
just flowing
and I suddenly stop talking
and have to strain
and search
and forrow my brow
(which seems to help with the straining and searching)
and try on different words
to realise they don't fit.

This has been happening
for a few weeks now
coming and going
ebbing and flowing
in intensity
and while I had noticed it happening
I didn't realise
how much this was affecting me
until this morning
when out of the blue
I found a word
that I had lost
weeks ago
maybe longer.

The other thing that happens
is that my confusion increases
with the noise level
particularly
if there are several noises
going on at once
which there usually is
in my life.

Then in the last few days
I've felt
like someone on heavy sedatives
(although I am not)
standing on the edge of a cliff.

It's like I know about the impending danger
and I'm sure it is close
but I don't really feel fear
or anything at all for that matter
and when I do start to feel
the first thing I feel is overwhelmed
like every task is insurmountable
and I go very quiet
and make slightly unusual decisions
about normal routine things
just to try and get through each minute
because I know
that each minute I survive
is one less minute I will have to feel like this.

Many Levels

A painful night
means not enough sleep
means grumpy me.

Having a whole list
of things to do
and adding to my normal
(whatever THAT means)
lack of motivation
is my grumpiness
and today has been
uber unproductive.

Apart from work
which I usually quite like
buy whick today I loathed.

One of the products
of being grumpy.

Pain set in again
with the setting sun.

No dancing around the issue -
straight to the pain relief.

Why do I have such a strong inclination
to typically resist
taking any pain relief?

It's like
before I take it
there is always another
possibility of relief
but there is the constant fear
that if I take it
and it doesn't work
then that is the end
of all posibilities of relief.

Irrational, I know.

But that is just me
on so many levels.

Know

Where is the relief?

A pause
a break
a respite
but without change
there is no relief
for the world continues to turn
and life goes on
and with it
the incessant thoughts
of my cluttered mind.

I've heard change
described as something
that occurs in an instant
but in truth
most change
takes time
but we still so often seek
the instant gratification
that we an imagine
without the boundaries of time.

And change is not always lasting
so it seems
that when some things change
and then revert
the change brings regret
and dashes the hopes
that were held
when the potential of change
was first dreamed of.

Where is the relief?

I do not know.

Not Fair

I hate ANZAC day.

It's not that I'm not patriotic.

It's not that I am not grateful.

It's not that I am selfish.

It's just that I can't see past
all of the atrocities
all of the lives destroyed
all of the lies
the pain
the loss
the waste
the fear
the blood
the cripling effects
that live on
and continue to scar
generation after generation.

I am a child
of a Vietnam Veteran
and I have grown up
with a father
who continued to serve
in the army reserve
while I grew my awareness
of the far reaching ripples
of the propaganda
and stupidity
that so many people suffered because of
except for those
who were really at fault.

One of my strongest values
is a great vehemence for war
and everything it entails.

I wish for a world
where war could not exist.

War epitomises
the dark side
of the human spirit.

That I have never had to
stare down the barrel of a gun
at another human being
and feel the need to kill
is the only thing I am grateful for
when it comes to ANZAC day.

I am not proud
of a country
who committed human lives
that were not thiers to give
and who destoyed so much
to so many people
and expected everyone to move on.

There are no positive feelings for me
when it comes to ANZAC day.

Just sadness.

And reminders
of the realisations
I grew up with
and knowing
that for so many, many more
my realisations
were their reality.

And that's not fair.

The Point

Again I have found
that trying to create balance
only creates a struggle.

Why is balance
so hard to achieve?

It's like
when I have some things
going well
I have to
push and push
elsewhere
until the whole house of cards
come crumbling down.

Hopefully
this will only
take me
a few steps backwards
and I can get on
with moving forwards.

I realise
that set backs
are part of life
butI still find myself
left wondering
what is the point.

Just Works

Day by day
things change
and I would have it
any other way.

Today is slow
lethargic
after more than
eleven hours sleep
yet I am still tired.

I haven't had less than
seven and a half hours sleep
every night
for the last week
and yet still I am tired.

Perhaps
I am relearning
the forgotten art
of sleeping in.

For now
I am just doing
what I think is best.

There is still
so much to do
and so little motivation
but bit by bit
I am working through
and I am truly blessed
by the most wonderful family
who
although the little ones are messy
and create so much work
they are loving
and affectionate
and are always happy
to give me hugs
whenever I need them
and to do everything they can
when I am sad
to make me happy.

They are
truly beautiful children
inside
and out.

And the starchild
is also troubled
but so so strong
when I am not
and is more and more
open to me
when I can be strong
for him.

Somehow
it just works.

This Day

Today has been
one of the worst days
for a while
particularly so
for the absence of any reason
for it to be such.

Panic.
Anxiety.
Overwhelm.

Physical symptoms
the unwelcome companion
to the rest of the shit
I just happen to be going through.

Tears.

Where are they?

Now
when I feel like crying
the tears
no longer fall
so I don't even get
the benefits
from their bitter sweet cleansing.

Tired.

Awake.

Aching.

Yet somehow
keeping on top
of the day
and therefore
not loosing too much ground
to be recovered
once I emerge
on the other side
of this day.

Be Seen

I've been dazed and confused
for so long it's not true.

Once passionate
my whole being
seems to have slowly but surely
faded into a faceless stream of placidity.

Yet I have noticed
some things
have really pushed my buttons recently.

Not that I am outwardly angry.

It's like I am having these feelings
but it has been so long since I felt them
that I no longer remember
what to do with them
so they whirl around inside me
and bounce off the walls
trying to get me to react.

But I don't.

Then
through this tumultuous calm
I see the point.

A realisation
opened to me
by the emotions
that are felt
without the clouding
of the physical
and I see
that it is a clue.

Something to point me
to drive me
to tell me
what I can
and should
be doing.

But do I have the energy?

Do I have the motivation?

Do I have the time?

In all honesty
I truly believe
that I do have all of these
if I only choose to find them
but whether or not I will do this
remains to be seen.

My Existence

Masks.

Something we all wear.

They make us feel safe.

But they also
make us feel
other than ourselves.

We take them up
and don them
willfully
instinctually
and yet
we long to take them off
to expose ourselves
for who we really are
to the rest of the world
and perhaps also to ourselves.

But are the masks necessary?

Do we wear them
for a good
and positive
reason?

Is this yet another case
of being careful
what we wish for
when we wish
for a world
where we can live
without masks?

For the last few years
I have been pealing away
layer after layer
of the masks I wear
most of which
I didn't even know existed.

And I didn't really like
what I was left with.

With my mask
went my motivation
to maintain
self esteem
self respect
standards.

It has only been recently
that I have come
to appreciate
the masks
as a means
to smile
and to brighten the days of others
and to work hard
when I would otherwise
have no reason
and would aim
merely for the lowest standard
which is some kind of instinct
and is on some level who I must be
but it just feels so wrong
so bad
so depressing
that I need
to break it's hold
and to put my mask back on
and respect my mask
not as something that I hide behind
but as something
that is formed from my own face
my own heart
my own mind
my own soul
and which reflects me
and which maintains me
and which stops me
from sinking
deeper and deeper
into the doldrums
of the non-existence
of my existence.

All These Years

Feeling
a slow and steady anxiety
feeding
off a veritble feast
of the unstable banquet within
as the world around me turns
and life goes on.

Staring
with recognition
but without understanding
at the wounds I score
into the fabric of the present
without apparent cause
but knowing
there must be some reason
why I make these choices.

Hoping that the understanding
will epiphasise
or emerge
or fall into my lap
or manifest in some goddamn way
just so I can do
whatever work it is
that I am alledgedly here to do
and then move onto the healing part
so I can finally move onto the living part
which has somehow otherwise elluded me
all these years.

My Soul

So many thoughts
ideas
inspirations
concepts
little sparks
lighting their way
into the world
through me
at the minute
but not a moment
of motivation
to take them
to nurture them
to feed and water them
into their next phase
of existence
and so they are
forgotten
with their only legacy
being little scraps of paper
that hold the little sparks of ideas
which will soon be recycled
though never completed.

My muse
is not amused.

How long
will she linger
where she is appreciated
but not honoured?

How long
will she bless me
with the thoughts and inspirations
that I let wane
in each and every cycle?

When there is no deadline
there is no pressure
that I seem to strive for.

It seems that my hyatius
is at an end
and
once again
I have failed
to appreciate
and utilise
what has been afforded me
and now it is a waste.

A messed up few days
making the abnormally normal
events of my life
more complex and complicated
I will grant
but staying nevertheless
in the pattern that I have created.

A word today
on reprogramming.

The method
questionable to my soul
but the concept
yes, the concept
one that makes much sense
and one
that fits with many of the pieces
that have been floating around
my micro-cosmos
and which have now
found a matching
puzzle piece
with which
to be tried against
for a good fit.

With some tweaking
I'm inclined to think
this concept
could be adjusted
to create a reprogramming
that completely aligns
with the inherent values
I hold as true
in my soul.

Ever Received

So surprised
to hear your words
from a third person
unbiased
and without reason
to be taited.

So surprised
that the sadness I felt
that the failure I felt
that the shame
the heartache
and the the constant regret I felt
couldn't have been
further from the truth
of your feelings
on our shared experiences.

To know that you think of the good things
the things I gave
that I resented your ungratefulness of
that I had always hoped
you would one day appreciate
and to have confirmation
that your appreciation
has truly been longstanding
and that you have forgiven me
of my failings
and shortcomings
means more to me
that I could have possibly hoped.

I can't help but thinking
that the peace that I am now feeling
and the affirmations I have received
from a third person
has to do with my magical workings
that were directed entirely
at my own inner healing
without need of expectations
from others
has come full circle
and have delivered
what I never thought
I would have ever received.

PossibleFallacy

Where are you
in all of this.

This is part of me
that needs to hold you
accountable.

But to do that
I would need to meet you
face to face
and that is not possible.

Not now.

Maybe not ever.

We have a belief
that you hold the answers
but the truth is
the answers are irrelevant
when we don't even know
what the questions are.

I know you are there.

I know you are listening.

I can feel you in every breath
every heartbeat
every degree of rotation around the sun.

Yes, you are there
and I choose to believe you care
but why in the world
so I expect the same
of the creatures you have created.

That is the fallacy.

That is the great lie.

That you would love us so much
deludes us into thinking
we should love one another
just as much
when that
quite simply
is not possible.

Born To Do

Being busy
and unmotivated
is a terrible combination
on so many levels.

Feeling irrepressibly sad
and thinking this is possibly
an absorption
of the energies around me
which is another
terrible combination
with the energies within me
at the moment.

Knowing I need
to focus on a routine
of many things
including
energy protection
severing energy connections that do not serve
and just trying to
deal with my own shit
rather than
everyone else's
would be a damn good start.

Yes here I am
in a holding pattern
of self destruction
that has become
the pattern of my life
and yet somehow
I manage
better than many other days before
to keep holding on
and believing
things are getting better.

But are they?

And if they are
then to what point
given the state of the woprld
which offers nothing
to get better for.

When I consider
some of the amazingly inspirational people
in my life
I know that I should also be inspired
but I am just awed and confused
and that leads to being
overwhelmed and intimidated
and thus the spiral starts again.

There has been one thing
that should be intangible
which seems to have
powerfully manifested
on my soul
and that is a solitary ritual
I held the other night
around my fite pit
where I made poppets
of the people that I find myself dwelling on
in hurt
and dissapointment
and disallusionment
and anger
and I was surprised
at how few there were
and how much perspective that point alone gave
and I spoke to each of them
and told them how I felt
and why I felt that way
and then I forgave them.

One by one
I forgave them.

And then I burned the poppets
and released all of the painful and negative thoughts
that I had been holding onto
and handed them over to the universe
and now
when my mind thinks of these people
there is nothing
but what I chose for there to be
in my head and in my heart
but mostly
it is just nothing
and that is ok for now
and I know that this is the point
from which I will move on
and find the place
that I am meant to be
in these particular relationships
and I will be able to accept this
without regret
fear
or hurt.

Each day
I am still in gratitude
and I acknowledge
my many blessings
give thanks for
all of the things that really matter in my life
and I appreciate the moments
when my muse stirs
and I hear her voice
and know that there are things
I can do
and that I will do
because it is getting better
and I will forge my own path
where it has worn so thin
that it is hard to follow
because that is what
I was born to do.

Leave Behind

Caught a glimpse
of me in the past
so many years ago
in a photo
that I had never seen before
and didn't even know existed.

Oh, what a difference
between what I thought I was
and what I really was.

Things that seemed so hard then
are nothing
to the hard things today
and so I wonder
will the hard things of today
be easy
compared to the hard things of tomorrow?

How much harder
can life get?

It was surreal
so see the picture
and find it hard
to even recognise myself
but to have a distant memory
of the place
the day
the feeling
the friendships
the things that were important then.

I had to actually look hard
at the clothes and shoes and socks
I was wearing
and remember them
as being part of my daily mundane life
to convince myself
that it was actually me in the picture.

Dreams about coffee machines
even though I don't drink coffee
and getting the right sized light bulbs
and packing up to move house
and deciding there were so many things
that we could leave behind.

Myself

A roller coaster ride
is life
for sure
or
as the Starchild
likes to say:
swings and roundabouts.

But it still feels like
one step forward
and two steps backwards
some days.

Today has been
a bit like that.

It's interesting
to observe
how the dynamics
of a relationship
change over time
especially when that time
reaches the point
of being half of your own lifetime.

Things are so wonderful
in so many ways
and which are the ways
that really matter
and it seems to me
that all of the work
over the last 18 years
has been working towards
this wonderful state
and even in my depths
I am so aware
of this deliverance
into my life
and am grateful
for everything that has fallen
into the exact
right
place.

But then I take a step back
and am able to see the wider picture
and it terrifies me
to think that this
is where and how I exist.

To see the crisis
upon crisis
on which my life
has been built
and I wonder
how I could have ever
had made it this far.

And then I take
another step back
and I see the people around me
and I get only glimpses
of the after shocks
of the terrible suffering
and in many cases the trauma
that has been
inflicted upon them
and I wonder
how they could be so strong
and yet feel so weak
and to continue
each and every day
with their own struggles.

And then I take another step back
and I see our country
and the degeneration
of what seems like
every aspect
and I fear the loss of hope
that so many already live with
and all feel powerless
to stop the cumbersome
forward motion
into societal oblivion.

And then I take another step back
and I see the whole world

and the horrors
and atrocities
that are everyday living
if you can call it living
for more people
than are fathomable
and it astounds me
that this could ever be possible
let alone possible
in this day and age.

And through the
momentous sadness
of this view
I have so much awe
for the strength of these people
and there is a part of me
that believes there is a
chamber of fortitude
that hides dormant
somewhere within me
and I wish
that I could call on
that resilience
that drive
that determination
that passion
that courage
that will to live
just by wanting it to be so
but I continue to live
if you can call it that
in passive
slothful
fear
that I will find the key to that door one day
but the universe will be forcing my hand
because I have taken too long
to open it myself.

Go Away

Many challenges
have I faced;
each seemingly
more challenging
than the last.

A breakdown today.

Foreseeable, yes;
but only from the outside.

The world is not about
what is fair.

The big fish
will always try
to intimidate
the little fish.

But this is
just about
too much to bear.

Logical
does not always
prevail.

Personal vendettas
regardless of justification
have momentum.

With all that I am trying to work through
and all that my wonderful husband
is also dealing with
this is really
the straw
that may break
the camels back.

Strangers
writing non-truths.

Strangers
rebuilding
their own tainted and damaged selves
by focusing their hate and negativity
on the undeserving
because we are small
and have little to lose
which may also be everything
that we have.

Spending time
researching an alternate life.

Perhaps
this is what
was meant to be anyway.

Alcohol doesn't help.

Reaching out
and making plans
to help get me through
each day
that I may
have any chance of being
who I need to be
if he won't
ask for the help
that he needs as well
so that it will all be
just up to me
to support us both
through this travesty.

Something
that I am realising
again and again
is how much I downplay
major incidents
in my life
in an effort
to just get through them
and by denying the incidents
I also deny
my own right
to experience them fully
so they end up
accumulating
and developing into
the crucible
that I live each day.

How I wish
it would all
just go away.

At All

Control
is an illusion
but there is no reality harsher
than a reality
where there is no control at all.

We Live

Anger is for the young.

As we grow older
we neither
want
or need
anger.

Is this our virtue
or is it
our fault?

With our increasing perspective
comes the illusion
of wisdom
but is our apathy
for the causes
we held to so vehemently
in our youth
our maturity
or our contribution
to a world
we cannot change?

The essence
of these questions
is whether
we should
hold a macro
or micro
outlook
on the world.

This is the
crux
of so many juxtapositions
of the life we live.

I Save

There is a story
about a young girl
on a beach
standing amongst
hundred of starfish
that were being
washed up
onto the shore.

The story goes
that the little girl
was picking up
the starfish
one by one
and throwing them
back into the water.

She kept doing this
over and over and over again
even though
the starfish she threw back
into the water
were undoubtedly
being washing backed onto shore
over and over and over again.

A stranger on the beach
happens upon this scene
and as the stranger approaches
they ask the girl
why she is going to such effort
with the physical exursion
as well as the emotional heartbreak
and the young girl replies
that if she is even able
to save one lone starfish
then all of her pain
will have been worth it.

I love this story
and I also love it
when the moral of this story
resonates with
events in my own life.

That has been me
in the last few days.

I don't know
if there really is a grand plan
and it concerns me
that so many people
are so concerned
with determining their position
on this matter.

What I do know
is when there are things that happen
that I don't understand at the time
then if I have an opportunity
to find some positive
and make a difficult situation
feel like is has some purpose
and that I can do something
of worth
because of the experiences
that I have had
then that is the part
that really matters.

Despite having a really hard time
towards the end of last week
I have actually been able to feel
so blessed
in that I have felt
and have known myself to be
a massively important support
to one of the most important people
in my life.

My wish
is that he be the starfish
that I save.

Full Of

Keeping my moments
of weakness
close to me
is a self-defence mechanism
that I think
I need to start
to let go of.

I've never been comfortable
being a squeaky wheel
and I know
that no one is able
to click their fingers
or wave a magic wand
and solve my problems.

I don't want to be a burden
and I don't want to
give more power
to the weaknesses I feel
so I hold it close
and carry it with me
where ever I go
and somehow
end up feeding it
through the act of
denying it.

So, in an effort
to banish this particular demon
today I open up
and make myself vulnerable
and allow myself to be judged
and say
I am struggling.

Although I know
I have come so far
in the last few month
and that the progress
that I had seen as intangible
for more years than I ever realised
has actually begun to feel real
when I am tested
I can see
that I still have a long
long
long
way to go.

In this
I can still see
the progress
of actually wanting to keep going
where this was not
a safety net
that I have ever
known in my heart
ever since I can remember
so the fact that it is here now
is a real blessing
for myself
and for my family.

But it is a close call today.

I need help.

All I want to do
is to close down
to run away and hide.

I have no interest
in anything.

I am starting
the things that I need to do
to get myself and my kids
through the mundane demands of the day
and I am walking away from them
because even simple things
seem so hard.

And I remember
when I lived like this
every moment
of every day
and I know
that my current "moment"
is far from that
state of existence
when I lived without living
and I know
ever though I can't really feel it
that I have gratitude for that.

Everything is starting to seem
permanent again.

There is no answer
and I feel like failing
and like I would welcome failure
but I hold on to the belief
that failure only truly comes
when we give up
and that is not an option
for the moment anyway.

So here I am.

I am better
yet worse
but I am prepared.

I have a plan
which includes
another option
to get help
and I am ready
and willing
and wanting
to put it into action.

Bad news
is bad news
and even bad news
that is out of my control
that could have
massive repercussions
or mild ones
or none at all
is something
that I need to again reclaim
the resilience
that I am at this stage only able to assume
I once possessed
as that is what life
is full of.

We Desire

Charles Darwin said,
"It is not the strongest of the species that survives,
nor the most intelligent that survives.
It is the one that is the most adaptable to change.”

In our world that exists
in each moment moving forward
only because of change
this is so very true.

We may spend our time
sitting around
lamenting
what we cannot do
because of
this
that
and the other
or
we may spend our time
giving some thought and planning
to the things we see as barriers
to the things we want to do
and then take a step back
and strip our wants and desires
to their bare cores
rather than how we have
dreamed they will manifest
and through this process
we will be able to
work out other ways
or simply
remain focused on
true and authentic objectives
so that the universe can provide
and we can move forward
and change
with the world
and thereby be delivered
all that we desire.

To Know

How do you see the world?

What colour are the lenses
of your glasses?

How do you want to
see the world?

I don't ask
because
I want to know.

I ask
because
I want you to know.

More Grateful

Spending time outside
really seems to help
even when I don't want to be there
if there is a breeze
then I feel blessed.

Spending time inside
preferably wasting time on the computer
even when I should be doing something else
is how I would live my life
if I was alone
and I know that my life is meant for
more than this.

Spending time writing
allowing the spark
that comes easily in terms of flow
but with great difficultly in terms of time
reminds me how long things can take
but how much I love and value them
and how much they make me love and value myself.

Spending time sleeping
doesn't usually make me feel less tired
but it does make me feel
like I have invested in myself
and my health
and I cherish the days
that I can do this.

Spending time smiling
and reflecting on the things I am grateful for
warms my heart
and fills my soul
more and more these days
and every time this happens
I notice it
and am even more grateful.

Those Days

Sometimes
it's hard
not to start a post
with the word 'sometimes'.

Today
is one
of those days.

Sometimes
I can feel
the energy
that is generated
by the turning of the world
flowing all around me.

Today
is one
of those days.

Sometimes
it seems
like nothing will ever change
at the same time
that I realise
how much has changed
in such a short space of time.

Today
is one
of those days.

Sometimes
I get so caught up
in trying to work out
whatever it is
that I'm meant to be
working out
rather than
just getting on
with my one true purpose
which is
to just be me.

Today
is one
of those days.

Sometimes
I feel
a million miles away
from the people
I am closest to.

Today
is one
of those days.

Sometimes
I am so damn tired
and I don't even seem
to have done anything at all.

Today
is one
of those days.

Sometimes
I just can't help
wasting time
on things
and making myself
late for where ever I'm meant to be.

Today
is one
of those days.

Sometimes
I feel the irrepressible drawing
of addictions
in many forms
and I am consumed
by a burning passion
to submerge myself
in those desires.

And I am forever grateful
that today
is NOT one
of those days.

The Meanings

It's almost too hot to move
but move I have.

If only I could
maintain this level of motivation
every day.

Trying to avoid going outside.

Passed on a social event
that I was really looking forward to
and was keen to take the kids along to as well
and while I would have really liked to go
the ridiculously hot weather was the reason not to go
not an excuse not to go
and that is progress.

A little something
of the many things
that came from a recent
serendipitous encounter
was that I will get more at the minute
from doing things in the sun
rather than doing things under the moon
because the moon is also a mirror to the sun.

Is this talking about balance?

Is this talking about re-emergence?

So many things to contemplate
but I'm actually looking forward
to piecing together
the meanings.

Change It Now

I can't work out
if my life is currently
too complicated
or not complicated enough.

It's true that
the story of my life so far
is pretty complicated
(we wouldn't want it to be boring now, would we?)
but my day to day
of actual living
is no where near
as complicated as it has been in the past
and yet
I still have many days
where I feel like
I have been running
for a million years
and I am weary to my very soul
so that the simplest of tasks
is a momentous victory
and therefore
makes my life
appear to be a pathetic waste.

I've really felt
that this forced simplification
was the universes way
of giving me
the opportunities I need
to follow my path
but it has been ever so long now
and I know I have made progress
but that progress seems
so intangible to me
that I find myself
thinking about making
some really huge changes
and really shaking my world up
and turning it all upside down
so I can start with a clean slate
and put the pieces back how I want them.

But the reality is
that I have dependents
and I need to consider
the implications
of all I do
and how it will
affect them.

This has also been my choice.

But as I approach my 36th birthday
and realise
this has been my pattern of limitations
for half of my life
as I have been doing this now
since I was 18
it really worries me
and I don't know what to do
to change it now.

To Do

Sometimes
it's as if
I can actually
feel
the world moving.

That incessant turning
that I am simple
not part of.

It rattles
in the hollow corners
of my endless mind
adn does me no good
what so ever.

Rarely
(though rarely is not never)
do I feel
like I am moving
in sync
with the world.

More often
it is like
I am sitting somewhere
just beyond the rim
and if I reach out
my fingertips
almost get
within skimming distance
but I never know
where the rim
is smooth as it looks
or whether it is
deceptively sharp
and will burn the skin
from my fingers
with it's unstoppable
friction.

At the minute
yes
I can feel the world moving
and no
I do not feel
like I am part of that movement
but I finally feel
like I am moving too.

Moving along my own course
that I have to trust in
whether I can see it or not
as that is the only path
I have to follow
and I am the only one
who will ever
be able to follow it
as I am destined to do.