What Else Could One Want...?

It's almost time.

All of the presents have been bought and wrapped.

Friends and family over last night; one more visit of friends tonight.

Then to feed, bath and jammie-a-fy kids, brush teeth and tuck into bed with, perhaps, a Christmas story or two to fill their heads as they drift off into the land of nod.

Air conditioning fully pumping by this time, for sure!

Fill the Christmas stockings.

Set up the Wii (ssssshhhh, don't tell the kids we're getting a Wii!) so it's all ready to play with when they unwrap the empty box in the morning - hehehe!

And that should be it, me thinks.

Then just to survive tomorrow. Have about 100kg of turkey and ham with many thanks to the outlaws who will be here around 8am.

Bones is already here and currently swimming in the pool with the other widdies.

Mama bear and The Republic of K-land to arrive around 8am as well.

Breakfast.

Unwrapping presents.

Sister C and the man arriving around 11am.

Then lunch - cold meats and salad - couldn't be easier!!!!

Pavlova for desert - oh, yum x 50!

(spell check doesn't know what pavlova is - sucks to be spell check)

Then chillaxing and talking about things that matter amongst family and loved ones.

What else could one want for an awesome Christmas day?!

Cannot Return

Crazy things happening. Two major areas of my life. Different situations but so many parallels!

Neither one seems likely to ever return to normality - whatever that means.

Am thinking of Stephen King's 'Gunslinger' series and the repetition of the phrase, "the world has moved on". Yes, this seems to be true for sure.

Am thinking of Motley Crue's 'Don't Go Away Mad (Just Go Away)' and the lines "nothing left to do, too many things were said, to ever make it feel like yesterday did".

Am also thinking of Andrew Lloyd Webber's 'Jesus Christ Superstar', and Pontias Pilot's lines "But what is truth? Is truth a changing law?  We both have truths. Are mine the same as yours?"

Am wondering why I sometimes keep my stupid tongue still in my head but other times I don't. Which is right by me and which is right by God? What right do I have to speak my truth when it affects the truth of others? Unless there is absolute truth and I so happen to be on it's side. Likely, much!

Am also thinking of Douglas Adam's picture of the guy who wielded supreme power and influence in the galaxy. I can't even begin to describe or allude to this one; it's something too brilliant to do anything other than stand alone in it's comparison to real life, or at least, how it should be.

Yes, the world has moved on. We are in the middle of it's turning but there very clearly is a line drawn in the sand from which most of us cannot return.

Up To Them

Things have changed. There was no prophecy for reconciliation. Stupid to think it would ever happen. Again I am insulted and again I am lectured. I have drawn a line in the sand and will continue to remain steadfast in the respect I have for myself. I am sorry that those I love are hurting but I am more sorry that those I love don't express love when I am hurting. I only speak my truth. How they feel about that is up to them.

Then So May Be Below - A Dream of Non-Literally Prophetic Proportions

In my dream, I looked over from the kitchen and saw her, lounging sideways in feigned resplendence, reminisce of Cleopatra or one of the noble creatures synonymous with the regal positioning of one on a chaise. But it wasn't a chaise - it was just The Green Lounge. A wholly unremarkable, re-gifted item of furniture, worthy of being spoken of in Title Case, as it had for years been known of in our household, in simple irony for this very quality of unremarkableness.

In that moment, I froze. The conscious experience of a million thoughts racing through my head manifest itself in my dream, but at the forefront was a firm belief that it wasn't even 12 o'clock yet. It was Christmas Day and I was hosting lunch, a grand affair to be sure, but one which I hadn't commenced preparations for other than in my thoughts - clearly progress that was severely lacking given that the guests had arrived started to arrive. I had no idea what idle pursuits had devoured my time that morning but having just presented myself to the kingdom of the hostess, otherwise known as the kitchen, my terror and mounting indignation were surely well-justified.

There seemed to be more than a hint of a gleam of a sparkle in her eye to delight in my lapse in composure - something that I had vowed to carry through this long-loathed encounter as a very minimum, given the history of our relationship in the last few years. I took a moment to absorb the qualities that never failed to insight tisk-worthy disdain on my part as her fox-like gaze held mine, lapping up the discomfort I had allowed to appear so obvious.

It was her size that impressed me next, a quality that seldom receives comment when there is an ongoing air of quarrel amongst family that otherwise desire for peace to prevail over insidiousness and siding guile. Perhaps Cleopatra was a much more unlikely comparator than I first perceived, with perhaps the likes of Herrod or another emperor of size would have been a better fit, as it were. My sudden observance of my previous ignorance of maroon being held in esteem as the slimming colour began the turn of power in humour back into my favour, for maroon was adorning her in every possible way, and the barely perceived yet enormously telling falter in that glare as a narrowing of my own eyes and a tight-lipped wryness of smile touched my own lips dominated my own persona.

Then, she spoke. Her words are now faded into the memory of that dream, but I am sure beyond all surety that they were spoken in reconciliation. Her appearance to me spoke in my subconscious of that past in all of the years of pain and audacious, distorted assumptions not only made but also thrust upon others yet her words, her words, they were the future.

It is clear to me that there will be no literal prophetic deliverance of the messages this dream brought to me. That I am hosting a lunch on Christmas Day is true, but the invitation that would make her appearance at such an event likely has already been most politely declined. Logic, or at least what passes for logic in the subjective realms of my brainly functionings, then inclines me to believe that symbolism, which I love dearly and revere in solemn and increasingly expanding attraction within my existence, is key. Such a revelation in terms of dream interpretation, I am sure!

From the hypnagogic explorations of these symbols to the analysis that has stayed with me in waking through the ensuing days, I am carrying an air of expectant anticipation. Year end is undoubtedly a time of change, but when there is an opportunity for that change, regardless of what has preceded it, to make way for positive new beginnings that the January that relentlessly follows, well, that brings the true meaning of this turning of the wheel to undeniable deliverance.

Each year, I'm sure, many of us utter vows and vow utterances to start afresh but hold back in the areas that we long for the most, often being relationships with family and friends. If you have successfully struggled through these wakeless images and wakeful interpretations, may that give you leave to accept the omen and realise any parallels in your own life that you can forgive yourself no further excuses to resolve, once and for all, to make the necessary adjustments so that as is above then so may be below.

For Now Anyway

Who'd have thunk I would be out and about at 7am on a Sunday, but that was certainly the case this morning - and by my own suggestion as well. I guess the reason for the early venturing was the core to the motivation, which was, of course, to go horse riding. I only had the chance to go once this week and probably wont get a chance at all next week so was making the most of my opportunities which I could (now, there's another general rule of thumb for all part of life).

Originally I was asked to go at 9am Saturday but the impossible princesses dancing concert was on so I couldn't go then but went out at 6pm Saturday arvo (gotta love daylight savings). We actually swapped horses and I found out more about the problems I've been having in terms of the horse I usually ride being an ex-pacer. For this mornings ride I used a different saddle, which I liked better although it was much harder for the horse as it was heavier, but she was still keen all the way through the ride. I've been really enjoying the riding and am so grateful for having that work so well into my life as it did.

The dancing concert was also wonderful. My little girl looked so gorgeous and I am so proud of her! It was such a long day for a seven year old - getting her ready from a little after 8am with making sure costumes were ready, bag was packed with shoes, snacks and drinks, and then doing hair and make up. The drop off was at 9.45am in the city and I had to amuse myself for a few hours before it all started at noon. Fortunately the markets were on in civic park so I got to wander around there - and also got to see the lovely Faerie with her absolutely amazing whimsigals! I also had to buy a ticket to the concert - 28 bucks, thank you very much! I think that's a lot of money for a kids concert but the end of year one is held at the Civic Theatre, which is a beautiful venue and everything else about the event is absolutely beyond fault. We've decided that this will be her last year doing the dancing but I am always impressed at how well organised the girls who run it are. There was another $75 to fork out for photos, which is tough at this time of year, but they also look so lovely. The concert was thoroughly enjoyable and we even one second prize in the raffle. I'm going to have to rethink my claim to that I "never win anything" with that as well as a prize in last months Full Moon Ritual raffle at The Cottage - I feel like I've really hit the big time.

We had a worship team meeting after church today with the music team from out planter church who also came across for the music at today's service - such lovely people and it was so good to spend time with them. Unfortunately our drummer wasn't there and many of the things that were covered were directly related to drums, but I guess that's not the only thing that we need to work on. We had a terrible week last week and I am really feeling moved to get more involved, where I usually take a step back and let the "real musicians" run things. I was feeling like perhaps it was time to step down from the team but since last week I have felt passionately that I need to be doing more in that area, not less. I'm hoping that the new year will bring a refresh to the whole worship team and I hope to be able to better serve and contribute some more of my skills there. I know it seems strange being so involved in Wicca but also being in the worship team in a Baptist church, but to me the thing that I am seeking is connection to the divine and most of the stuff that surrounds that is just labels, which I generally do well to work around. Well, it works for me for now anyway.

My Own Advice

I haven't decided if trying to do all of the things that I'd like to do each day is completely impossible or just damn hard.

Actually, I do know the answer to that little conundrum and lies in managing a realistic daily plan - which includes breaking down larger projects into smaller chunks, overestimating expected duration for each task and planning in down time. Getting those three things right, with a few other basic time management techniques balanced in as well, and it seems like it would be impossible to fail.

Simple, really, isn't it?

So, why on earth do I find it so bloody difficult to follow my own advice?!

In That World

Saw 'The Invention of Lying' at the movies yesterday with a friend and quite enjoyed it. Ricky Gervais is hilarious and it had a nice storyline as well as an abundance of famous faces amongst the cast, but the thing that I am caught up on is the basic premise. It is set in a world that is identical to our own except that people are genetically hardwired to be unable to lie - they don't even have a word for lying, nor for truth because everything is true and that's all they know because there is nothing to compare it with.

There are, of course, some distinct disadvantages to this, such as not having lies technically means not having fiction therefore all of the movies in that world are about historical events and are just famous people reading out the stories, because acting, if you think about it, is also kind of like lying. BUT, the rest of the world was wonderful. People said the most blunt and potentially offensive things but no one seems to mind because it is really the truth anyway and there is so much less conflict because you always know where you stand.

I want to live in that world.

Puff of Logic

I had a long and very involved dream last night that faded upon waking, as seems to be the case more often than not. It was very frustrating as for both waking and sleeping memories, I usually will at least remember that I have forgotten something so it is like there is a very prominent void in a place in my mind but I am absolutely sure that there was something there before. That's how it felt this morning, like I have a very strong sense of there having been something there but the details were just out of reach.

As is also often the way with all things of this kind, about 2 hours later while going about my business, the details suddenly dropped back into place. Well, some of them did anyway. It was about a friend of mine that I used to work with and I spoke with her at great length. There was stuff about the office where we worked, which I think it starting to take on a very specific role in my subconscious as I have dreamt about it several times now, although I don't quite understand where it fits into the rest of my life, thoughts and feelings.

Something that I do remember quite clearly from the dream was walking up a street that I used to walk up from time to time when I was much younger. I never had a particular event happen to me on that route. It was what passed for a main road in the suburb that I grew up in although it was just one lane either way. At the far end was the main shops of the town, such as they were, and the train station and it went for a few kilometres up to the highway, which is one of the main highways in the area, six lanes for most parts. About five minutes walk from where the road met the highway was the house I grew up in.

So, in the dream it was night time and I had been somewhere and was heading home. I was at the end of the shops so it was normal residential houses for the most part. I really wanted to get home but I didn't have a car but then I laid this light briefcase thing I was carrying on the ground, unfolded it like a tent and it self-inflated into a car, which just so happened to be my old Suzuki Sierra that was the second car I ever owned and had some 10 or 12 or maybe it was 14 years ago. I remember thinking about the advances in technology that were required for such a thing to be possible and for a fleeting moment I gave thought to how the thing could have an engine when it had been in a light bag I was carrying but then it was all inflated and I got in. I don't remember if it drove or not but I have a vague feeling it may have just disappeared in a puff of logic.

In Another Life

The Christmas tree is up and decorated, the house is delightfully lighted and the Christmas cards have been written. The Christmas shopping has been started and, even though I know I'm sure I will still be racing around madly trying to get the last things finalised on Christmas eve, I'm feeling pretty bloody organised and ready for Christmas for once in my life.

We went to Lithgow on Saturday to see the nine live cat with clipped wings, then lunch with Virgo Nurse, then home and finishing the aforementioned Christmas decorating. Church on Sunday morning was bitter-sweet. I'd been praying for guidance since my huge attack of self doubt two weeks ago and I feel my prayers were actually answered but, at the same time, I was given a bit of a kick up the arse for being so narrowly focused, which is not really typical of me and while it was humbling it was still good to be given a nudge back on track.

We had a really bad rehearsal before service and didn't even get to play through all of the songs we were doing. We didn't have any of the regular people on the sound desk and it is a new system so it hasn't even really been worked out by the people who are normally there. The drummer ended up helping with the desk so we had a different drummer who is good but who hadn't played a full kit for many years (remembering that we didn't get to go through all of the songs). Then one of the team didn't arrive until 20 minutes before start, brought her accoustic guitar when she was rostered for bass and revealed that she didn't have the music for two of the songs and that she didn't even know one of those two at all. Also, our best musician was off and our lead is good and has a wonderful heart for worship but is not really very strong in terms of keeping things on track when it needs to be done forcefully. As a result of all of this, she totally lost her confidence, dove straight into the music without getting the congregation prepared, stopped prompting and guiding the songs, playing wrong notes on the keyboard and running the wrong timings so we ended up completely butchering the first song and only getting marginally better in the other three.

From my point of view, I really love all of the songs we did and they suit my voice and range so I was singing better than my normal average self, which our lead said was the only saving grace of the whole worship. Unfortunately, this only made me feel worse because I knew that I'd sung well and was comfortable that God had been working with my prayers so didn't need the reassurance as I had the two weeks previous but I knew exactly how bad our lead felt as I had been in that state of mind when I had the self-doubt stuff happening. And I believe it was worse for her as she was leading, even though the mistakes she made were only as a result of everything else going wrong. We had a really good talk afterward though, even though it was just the two of us and it really should have been something laid before the whole worship team as it is something we need to all work together on in order to improve on. It was this whole team thing that I felt bad about but it did give me a burst of renewed passion and dedication for my purpose and what I have to contribute.

Sunday afternoon was good but uneventful. Local kids over playing with our kids. Late dip in the pool before dinner then food, showers and bed.

Monday I went for a horse ride. My inexperience is not very helpful with Pheobe, the horse I ride, and she was the most stubborn to start off with that she has been so far but once we worked through that, we had the best solo ride that we have had so far. Here's a picture of Pheobe - lovely, isn't she!

Last night The Smiley Monster was complaining of a sore tummy and ended up being up most of the night as a result. I kept him home with me today so didn't get much done. Am going to be up at the school tomorrow morning, then straight to a friends place for a cuppa then we are going to catch a movie, then straight back to pick the kids up from school, then swimming lessons, then dinner then out for ritual at the Cottage where I'm assisting Ix-chell, who is going to be High Priestess for the evening. She has written a very lovely ritual and I'm really looking forward to spending some time in circle.

Well, as much as I seem to avoid it sometimes, I really must take myself off to bed. Going to need a V or three to get through the day tomorrow for sure - I wish I could sleep all day and just do stuff at night, my brain is so much more active and seems to work better then. Oh, well, perhaps I'll be a vampire again in another life ;-P

Now Wouldn't It?

I try to be open to messages and signs, even though it's one thing to notice them and another thing entirely to work out exactly what you are meant to do with them and when!

Something that has come up for me about half a dozen times in the last week is the concept of turning off your mind in order to open your heart. It's the old struggle between my logical brain and my intuition and is something that I think a lot of people can relate to.

This resurfaced for me most recently when I was praying with the worship team at my church before our service. We usually practice then pray together and then we enter into worship to start off the service. Not everyone in the worship team chooses to speak out loud each week when we have the pre-service prayer time but I have felt a strong urge over the last few months to make sure I say something and it was this message that was on my heart last Sunday. I felt very clearly the need to just switch off my ever-insistent brain and allow the spirit of God to move in my heart so that was what I lead my prayer with. Unfortunately last Sunday for me felt like I was putting myself out there much further than I wanted to and what I actually felt and experienced was a retraction rather than an expansion but this same message has come up over and over again since then. I went through a really emotional day last Sunday as a result and spent a lot of time in prayer which ended around midnight with an immense peace in my heart. I was praying for a very specific outcome and, as usual, the universe knows better and will usually deliver what you need rather than what you want. When I realised that I laughed out loud and my prayers of request turned into prayers of thanks and gratitude. It was a good place to be. I am still praying for the specific outcome but I am not filled with the same angst and grief that were the companions to my self-doubt last weekend.

So, I am taking note and just need to know how I can apply the off-brain/on-intuition message. I guess if all of the lessons of life were clear and easy to learn it would take all of the fun out of it, now wouldn't it?

That Is A Good Thing

Have had a very stable last few days, which is great. Have also been exceptionally busy - for some reason I have managed to end up with back to back things from the start of each day until bed time and for the most part I'm really loving it. I still don't think I'm particularly motivated and there are so many things that I am still not getting done but I feel like I am living and am getting a really great balance between my responsibilities to others as well as my responsibilities to myself. Two of my biggest downfalls are my lack of will power and my inconsistency but as these haven't always been part of my personality then I don't see why they really need to be any more and it's time to redress the balance, me thinks.

Something that I am exceptionally happy with at the moment is that I am going horse riding. This is something that I have always loved but as I have gotten older it has become harder and harder to find the time and money. I have a friend who has two horses, one is hers and the other she bought for her son but he has lost interest so they aren't getting ridden as often as she would like. I went out for a ride with her on Saturday and again by myself today and just loved it. Some people are really protective about other people riding their horses but my friend is just so casual about it and is happy for me to take either of her horses out any time using all her gear and everything, even if she is not there. I've been riding a three year old filly who needs a fair bit of regular work but we've gone well together so far, even though I'm not a terribly well experienced rider and she is the youngest and most feisty horse I've ever ridden, but I'm keen on working with her more to get her to be a more settled and obedient ride.

I've also been very acutely aware lately about God working in my life but now my thoughts are starting to turn to what it is I can be doing to return the favour, as it were. There are ways that I want to serve God and I have been incorporating them into my life over the last few years particularly but I'm really starting to doubt that they are the things that God really wants me to be doing any more. I'm positive I am building important skills and experiences that I will need in the future but I am increasingly of the opinion that I need consider doing some things differently. I'm spending a lot of my prayer time of late trying to work towards whatever it is I need to be doing but I think I am still a ways off knowing. For now, I'm good with just acknowledging the amazing power of the divine, living in gratitude as much as possible and being open to my destiny. This is a big thing I guess because I've always had the jury out on whether everyone actually has an important destiny to fulfil. Definitely a time for learning lessons and I have to believe that that is a good thing.

So Be It

I had a huge attack of self-doubt today and I found myself reflecting on how many of us go through those times when we just want someone wise and insightful to pick us up and tell us what we need to do from here. Sometimes I don't even know what I need to make a decision about let alone be able to get to the point where I can actually chose the right path and I think it's pretty natural in those times to wish for some kind of guidance or instruction so we can take a step back from the responsibility of stuffing up our own - and sometimes even other people's - lives. It's then, somewhere in that moment, that I remember that I ain't so good at following orders and even if there was someone to do that then I'd probably still march to the beat of my own drum.

I got to that stage today relatively quickly for me, which was good, but draining to go through so many emotions in such a short space of time - and it probably wasn't too much of a picnic for the rest of the zoo-dwellers here either! From there I stepped into action and got a few of those nagging projects that had been sitting around and glaring at me from little piles of mess about the place completed and also got a start on tidying the lair - a project that seems to grow by the day as I move 'To Do' items out of the general traffic areas of the home and out of sight though not quite out of mind into that room.

I am a bit like a pendulum at the minute, swinging on one side from feeling overwhelmed just trying to get through the mundane chores that fill my life these days while the brilliant and imaginative minds of certain people around me keep coming up with brilliant and imaginative ideas which, due to their brilliant and imaginative brain process, they are completely powerless to take any practical action on and which, therefore, invariably result in more work for me and then swinging to the other side where I am convinced that I am inherently and hopelessly lazy and am wasting my life and the opportunities that I am being offered right now with my current circumstances through lack of action and motivation. And, if you think that sentence was a difficult to read, just think how it feels for me to have a barrage of that and other similarly complication thoughts occupying the void between my ears through ever waking moment and seemly quite a few while I'm asleep as well it seems.

I'm finding it difficult to type tonight to the point where I am seriously contemplating sending in a "thank you, God, for spell-check" comment to the 'Jesus, All About Life' campaign - well, maybe I wouldn't go that far but I'm sure you get my point. It's not just the typing, there are really common words that are just coming out jumbled because that is the way my brain is thinking them down to my fingertips and directing them onto the keys - like before, I tried to spell picnic as picknick. I think that's called: crazy-arsed, tired and stressed out Wendy-logic. Whatever it's called, I do believe it is more of a calling - and that is for me to stop typing now and go to bed. So be it.

My Step-Daughter's Wedding

Well, the wedding was an absolute success. There were a few small hiccups as one would expect but all were managed well and with great credit to the excellent organisation skills of the Virgo Nurse.

There were so many amazing photos from the day but I think this is one of my favourites:


Don't you think this photo belongs on the cover of a magazine. She has such a radiant smile and was able to maintain it until 4am the next day (as they did night shots in the city after the reception) even though it was not long after this photo that she passed comment how her cheeks were already aching.

Here's a picture of the whole bridal party:


The Kman was the junior grooms man on the left, the smiley monster was the page boy in the middle and the impossible princess was the junior bridesmaid on the right. They all behaved so well, considering they were woken at 6am for the two hour drive and had to put up with a two bedroom townhouse full of people for another four hours during the preparations and then had their very important roles to play through the ceremony and the photos and then the long night of the reception. I was so proud so many times that day but far from the least of that was in my own children in how gorgeous they looked and how they had fun and let everyone else have fun as well.

And did I mention gorgeous? Here's the smiley monster with The Starchild and the flower girl all looking out the window of one of the cars, which I think makes a really gorgeous photo:


The next photo is from the wedding ceremony. It was Coptic Orthodox as the grooms family are Egyptian and it was so beautiful even though I didn't understand most of it. The church was so amazing and the jackets the bride and groom are wearing were one of the parts of the service, which also included crowns and incense and singing and all the rest of it.


There were six '71 and '72 GT Fords as the wedding cars as well as four motor bikes.


I didn't get any good photos of all of the bikes but here is one of them with Bones in front of it that someone else took:



The reception was held at a place in a town in the outer South West of Sydney so you wouldn't really expect anything too flash but it actually was one of the most lavish reception venues I've been to. There were fireworks and pyrotechnics, the bridal table was a full length fish tank and behind the bridal party was a bubbled glass wall with water running down it, there were light up centre-pieces on the tables and everything was done up so nicely. There was a magician entertaining the guests as they arrived in the foyer of the reception while we were off doing the post-wedding photos and it was pretty much non-stop the whole night. The parents of the bride and groom had to do a bit of a grand entrance along with the bridal party and this is The Starchild and I coming in:


We all made our way to the dance floor to await the entry of the bride and groom and it was lovely to see so many family and friends there to help celebrate.


The magician did another performance during the reception...


...and there was a Michael Jackson impersonator along with his five dancers that did about half a dozen costume changes and were really very entertaining:


The grooms men even got a lesson on how to dance like Michael Jackson which was loads of fun:


There were also speeches - that was the part that The Starchild was dreading the most but he spoke so wonderfully...


The cake almost looked too good to eat...


...and the bridal waltz included more fireworks, fog, a beautiful spin, a dip and, of course, a high lift being that the bride used to be a competitive gymnast...


The Starchild and I even danced (although he left me there once the fun dancing started) and I think you can tell by the smiles on our faces how much fun we had!


It was such a wonderful night and it was so special to have Bones as part of the celebrations even if the nine live cat with clipped wings couldn't be there. I think the thought of him undoubtedly shedding more than a few tears at missing such a special occasion and knowing that it won't be the last one he misses was the only down side to the whole thing but everything else was just perfect and I'm so glad that they had the wedding that they had spent so much time, money and effort planning for so long.

Now, I am sending blessings of protection, safety and more amazing memories as they start their honeymoon and look forward to seeing them in a few weeks when they get back.

Nice Being Needed

Two days to the wedding. The Starchild was organising the present but then yesterday asked me to look after it. Gotta love it when that happens. Have my dress and wanted a shawl/wrap but couldn't find one that went well and that I liked so off to Spotlight yesterday with the Tea Lady and bought some lovely material that I will turn into exactly what I want - and at about half the price, too! Have shoes and bag but still have to get necklace and possibly earrings and bracelet. Hanging on Virgo Nurse to provide details on hairdresser/make up as this was changed at last minute but she apparently has a plan b half organised but I'd like to contact them just so I'm all sorted. Kirs are all sorted for clothes, shoes, accessories. The Starchild did the first draft of his speech last night and that has also now come to me to finish off. It's nice being needed!

For Sure

Is time going by faster than normal for anyone else?

I wanted to get a job riding horses but it didn't happen. I've sent a few enquiries to a few places but I'm not holding my breath. But don't worry - there's always a Plan B (or Plan C in this case). We have a friend who has a horse and I'm going to ask her if I can ride with her. Being paid to do it would be wonderful but the main thing is that I just want to ride. It would be nice if everything we wanted just fell in our laps but that isn't the way the world works so when you want something you just have to go out and make it happen - and there's some free advice that you can take all the way to the bank!

In other news, it's going to be another busy weekend: dancing photos tomorrow morning, then driving to Sydney for a Wedding rehearsal and supposedly getting the wedding present then our church is relocating on Sunday and there is a set up and music practice at 5pm. I can't see how it will all happen and I'm thinking of skipping the Wedding rehearsal. I don't want to go anyway as I know I will cry. It's a long story but due to the different traditions there are a number of compromises that have been made for the ceremony. Apparently for Coptic Orthodox it is traditional for the parents to walk down the isle at the start of the ceremony but Virgo Nurse was adamant that she wanted The Starchild to give her away (which is our tradition) that means that I could either walk down the isle by myself, with my step-son or not at all. I said I'd do whatever Virgo Nurse preferred but she was entirely non-plussed so I've said out of the three options I'd prefer to just be seated at the front rather than having to walk down. That's not the part that will make me cry though. It will be having to watch her birth mother and her partner walk down the isle and to see them in this position of honour in front of everyone when the reality is that she hasn't been much of a mother. She has made so little effort often not even bothering to turn up to access visits, has never paid a cent of maintenance, has given broken and sometimes even stolen gifts for presents, has openly prioritised going to the club over spending time, money and effort on her children, has subjected them to the verbal and physical abuse from her partner and that's why I'm going to cry. I never tried to be a mother and I made so many mistakes myself as well but I was the one who was there and I know that they know that in their hearts but there just isn't a way to have both traditions work. The Starchild offered to walk down with me and then walk out again and to walk down with the Virgo Nurse but that would be as ridiculous and uncomfortable as the other options. There's just no nice way to do it and I'm just going to have to bear is as I have had to bear all of the other insults and heartbreaks that have come with being a step-mum but if I have to do it then I'd prefer to only go through it once.

There's more on my mind and in my heart at the moment but I don't think I can go through it all now. I had a bit of a bad day yesterday and am worried but still seem to have a fighting spirit somewhere inside of me that all of the voices don't seem to have been able to scare away yet. I'm feeling raw and increasingly unmotivated (if that's even possible) but I'll take things one step at a time because I know that as long as I keep moving then I will be making progress. There's a lot of things that I don't know and even more that I thought I knew but have been questioning lately but the thing about keeping moving is something I do know for sure.

Day By Day

I'd like to ride horses - just putting it out there, universe, let's work together on this one, hey? Some good weather to get the trial under way would be awesome. Making sure no one else is chasing the same thing would also be good. Having things progress positively. I know there will be hurdles and I'm willing to jump over them but it would be so much easier and way more fun on a horse!

Started reading 'Jung for Beginners' as I thought that was a good place to start. It is exceptionally basic but is giving a pretty good overview and it is much easier to go through the concepts that way, me thinks. There are quite a few things resonating there but some that don't quite sit right. Am working through it all though day by day.

To See What I Can Find

Had a Jung moment last night. Heading to the library tomorrow to see what I can find.

Meant To Be All About

Have been thinking a lot about discussions on Monday night at YAAD class at the cottage. Renata organised a wonderful guest speaker, John Bell, who has been studying tarot and Kabbalah for something in the vicinity of 40 years. It was good to have his take on both subjects but the best part were the things we all talked about.

Two things I am thinking about in particular are the collective unconscious and the age of Aquarius. I have my own leymans thoughts on the collective unconscious and have a few thoughts related to physic ability, divination, past life experiences etc that I haven't really thought though so it was interesting to talk about these as a group. I have also been feeling that the Kabbalah will play a role of a certain level of importance in my learning but more in an indirect way. Having the two rbought together in this way has seemed to really strike a chord with me and I am looking forward to exploring this further.

The age of Aquarius is something that we didn't really discuss at length but it did come up but the part that I have been reflecting on was a description of Aquarians as being dividers. This was not really said in a negative way, but more as a way to highlight the different focus of the individual-orientated Piscean to the globally-orientated Aquarian. I'm not quite sure what to make of this but it is something that I really want to spend some more time exploring. It also has personal resonance for me as an Aquarian and I feel there is something there about recent events with my younger sister who is a Pisces (and who rang me on Sunday night and we seem to have resolved things somehow). I don't believe that the events themselves are significant but I do think that they are important in terms of getting my attention so I can gain greater understanding of the lesson I seem to be being offered.

There's some pretty major things happening within me at the moment and I don't really understand and am struggling how to work with them and still live in the normal, mundane and necessary world. I am buzzing with excitment right now and so aware of the importance of sleep for my mental processing. So many conflicts to work though. Surely this is not what it's meant to be all about.

Inspiring Energy

Had a very wonderful experience at church on Sunday with music. Our musical guest was leading and I was excited from the moment I read the set list she sent through on Saturday. Five songs, which is not too unusual although four is more typical. Nothing amazing and one of the songs I'm not all that fond of but it fit in well.

Rehearsal before church was fairly normal, we started late and were a little pushed for time to practice all of the songs but all ok. There were quite a few new faces in the congregation, but we are still only little, perhaps 40 or so people including kids.

I love it when our musical guest leads, she has a beautiful voice and really interacts well. There were a few hiccups with the song words as one of the kids was in charge of that and probably needed a little more guidance but from the start everyone just seemed really present. I didn't have a foldback speaker so couldn't hear the full sound we were making but it was one of the few times I have been able to hear the singing from the congregation; everyone was just really into it. We did three fairly up beat songs to start and then there were announcements and the kids were released to happy land whereas they usually stay for all of the songs, which I think is a bit too long. The next two songs were slower, more powerful songs and it was so moving to feel the energy in the room. At one point I looked out and absolutely everyone had their eyes closed and were all singing, most with faces and hands upturned. I became a little overwhelmed a couple of times and found it difficult to keep singing!

After the service, everyone seemed to still be buzzing and we actually had a few compliments, which is probably more because of the new people but it was so nice as some weeks it just seems like we are going through the motions and it is rare for people to give feedback. Also, the pastor has a bit of a bugbear about people not looking at church as a thing to get something out of but rather a thing to make a contribution to, which is fine to a point but he seems to put it in too black and white terms and his examples include not thinking about what you do and don't like but for me that is fine as long as there is a balance and it is a two way street. Anyway, not wanting to go on about that but just wanting to say that the music was fantastic and it was awesome to feel that beautiful and inspiring energy.

Lack of Concentration

Nearly another 12 hour sleep last night. Reality seems very fluid at the moment. Seeing more and more of the alternate life that I first glimpsed a few days ago and I want it but I don't want it at the same time. Further hurtful communications from my younger sister; I'm the horrible one, apparently, and I'm sure that's true to a point but I'm having difficultly working out exactly where that point is. With everyone, really.

Lots of dreams last night. I remember more of them than I've remembered on other nights recently. Getting jobs writing documents for a child care centre; parking my car near the beach and leaving my bag in a florists; organising money; trying to find a lost message from a dead friend and re-living memories of that time.

Am still sorting through things. Day by day things become clearer and I feel more awakened but still powerless to change anything because most good change happens slowly and I am impatient and lack concentration.

What Tomorrow Brings

Yesterday morning I got through to 7am when the smiley monster climbed into my bed and still couldn't remember any of my dreams but then I drifted off and in that short 10 mins or so I had a terrible, terrible dream and the horror of it stayed with me for hours.

School holidays is not my favourite time. I fear it shows me up as a terrible mum because I don't really like to spend hours on end giving my children all of my attention. Don't get me wrong, we do stuff, and I am grateful to be home for them and have their friends over and things, I just feel like they demand more of me than I have to give most of the time.

On top of all this, I have received a few upsetting messages from my younger sister. I've been in self-defence mode with her for a while because I opened up to her at at extremely delicate time and I feel that she just used me so rather than tell her how I felt, which I have done in the past and as I don't feel she takes responsibility for her actions, neither of us end up any better off. But this last time was a really serious issue, or rather, two very serious issues, and I don't want to be in that situation again so i've just taken a step back. But she has decided to "fix" the problem my sending me messages that have been pretty offensive. I refrained from saying exactly what I was thinking in the first one but her second message was worse so I have opted for a more direct approach. I know it won't make any difference though. She has no concept of responsibility and is completely happy that way so will never understand that I have commitments and responsibilities and I make choices for people other than myself sometimes. Yep, it's not always fair, but that's life, isn't it.

Last night I slept for almost 12 hours and still don't feel much better for it. Let's see what tomorrow brings, hey?

Able To Receive

Slept like a log. Literally. Didn't move all night and when I woke up around 4am my arms and legs wouldn't work because they had been in the one place for so long. Slept very deeply for a few more hours and woke up like I was still physically exhausted although my mind is reasonably clear in comparison.

I've been feeling a little surreal, like I am sort of experiencing another reality while living in this one. It is the one I caught a glimpse of a few days ago and it is achingly sad but intensely alluring.

I know I had lots of dreams last night but I can't remember any of them. I believe that a lot of the stuff we experience in our dreams is important and can be helpful in our conscious lives so it's extremely frustrating to feel like I'm being told some really important stuff at the minute but I'm not able to receive the information.

Winging It

Things are speeding up and I'm feeling like I'd better tighten my grip or else I'll end up falling off the ride. I think it's ok, though. I think I'm ready but if I'm not then I think I'm up to the task of just winging it.

Lessons of Life

A change of pace this weekend, to the extreme, and feeling a lot better with a double helping of perspective. Have had a glimpse into the future, just not sure which dimension this future was from. Could be this one. Maybe. Starting to set the wheels in motion. Thinking very much about the threefold law of return - that all actions and thoughts are energy and all energy you send out to the universe will come back to you threefold. Have spent time with some interesting characters this weekend and was very conscious of the energy from the choices of each. All of it part of the lessons of life.

True and Worthwhile

The last few posts are really resonating with me in terms of life direction - a path that I have been on but one that seemed to have been meandering through overgrown trees and bushes with nothing much in the way of scenery but an abundance of tricks of the light through the wind-tickled leaves.

Yesterday, I made a decision. It's a subject that I have been dancing around for a while and a simple enough question but one that I couldn't make my mind up on. I am a reasonably career-focused person, or, at least, I have been in the past. Well, once I had children and realised the huge backwards leaps one takes in these circumstances and determined to try to claw back some of the ground that I had lost.

I firmly believe that the person who first said that you can't have your cake and eat it too should be given a big pat on the back for the truistic nature of that statement and then promptly kicked in the groin for the very same reason. I've long known that I'm not full-time mum material but at the same time have acknowledged that I cannot really inject the unwavering dedication into a job that I feel inspired to do were that my only responsibility in life. During this time I thought that I was working towards a healthy balance between the two extremes but just lately I have realised the sad truth that my career has really been my family and I will never reach the heights that I dreamed of in the work place.

Sounds like a bit of a pity party, doesn't it? Well, maybe a bit but there is a silver lining to that cloud (and the guy who said that can have the pat on the back without the kick in the groin, wouldn't you say?) and the silver lining is simply that my dreams were entirely worthy but just slightly askew. I can reach those heights but I can't do it working for the man.

When The Starchild and I first started the business I thought that I was getting back on track and was very surprised to not the intense lack of intensity that emanated from my every pour in regards to the business. Sure, I do what I have to do to make it work, but not to make it soar. The problem is not the method, its the means. It's just not something that I'm passionate about and, as a passionate person, it just doesn't work for me. Without wanting to turn this post into a cliche-a-thon, I shouldn't be throwing the baby out with the bathwater. I don't need to toss the whole idea just because the initial incarnation doesn't float my boat.

But, back to this decision thingo I've made. When I was feeling disillusioned with the direction of the business and particularly with the lack of soul-stimulous I was getting from my work (which is kinda like job-satisfaction only on a very acute and intense scale, such is the plane I operate on) and I started with the temp work, I got a bit of that spark back. Me being me, I decided to start adding kindling and gently blowing and before I knew it I was disregarding all of the logic (even if it really was non-Wendy-logic) that had previously brought me to the point where I wasn't going to go back to work and was going to start a business with The Starchild. That was a sound plan, the problem was just that I wasn't focused and changing direction by going back into full time work wasn't going to create that focus, if anything it was going to take me further away from the good lessons I'd been working towards.

So the big decision is simply not to go back to full time work just yet. I have a lot of chores to do that I don't do because I am not inspired and that is creating disharmony but I'm not ready to give up yet. This decision may seem fairly trivial but there are loads of implications but I am absolutely certain that I am making the best decision for this point in my life.

That settled, I'm leaving at 6am tomorrow to go to Woolf's funeral at 11am. The Starchild is giving me grief over some of the circumstances that are necessitated by this but I am going to learn and practice the lessons that have fallen on my heart and soul with Woolf passing and am going to do what I think is right.

I feel this is a very big time for my internal development, much of which is coming full circle and starting the learning process all over again while being able to bring my previous learnings with me, which is quite super really.

And that's where I am at the moment. I'll be away for a day or so and hope to come back ready to re-dedicate myself to myself and all I know to be true and worthwhile.

Forever In Our Hearts

This post is probably of no interest at all to anyone else and being so long I think it's fair to warn you that moving on to the next blog now is probably your best option. I've just has some sad news today and need to sort through my thoughts and memories so I can be ready to move on.

Two weekends ago, I came across an old photo. I think most of us change friends over the course of our lifetimes, but there are some friends that are always part of your life in some way or another, no matter where you are physically and on every level. For the last year or so of high school, my best friend was a girl who for the purpose of this post I will call Pie.

Pie and I were friends at a time when we were gaining real independence in our lives. We had the trust of our parents to go out without curfews, had our own "stuff" and were establishing our own haunts. My parents had been divorced for a few years and hers since she was a baby but where my step-dad was creating a very unhealthy and unhappy home environment for me, hers was more of a father to her than her real father (or mine for that matter) ever was.

As teenagers do, we spent a lot of time in each others homes; I practically lived at hers most school holidays. It's not until I've had step-kids and kids of my own that I realise the impact that has on a home but that understanding has made me realise even more what a wonderful Mum and step-dad Pie had. They completely welcomed me and I was actually friends with them to the point where we would all hang out together and often had our own running jokes and were just comfortable, you know? It was everything in a blended family that I didn't have in my own home at a really important time of my life and on top of that I really appreciated both the way they respected me as an individual as well as the way they respected and loved one another.

Pie's mum, Tink, and her step-dad, Woolf, were a wonderful couple. They co-existed so well: they had jokes, they had frustrations, they had hobbies and it was a real friendship. I used to love spending time there and loved going through their old records (total ex-hippies, they were) and old photos. Of course, Pie thought they were boring and annoying, as most kids do, but we still had a great time together.

I dated Pie's brother, D-San, for a while and Tink and Woolf were just so wonderful through the relationship as well as the breakup. It could have been difficult as they are very loving and supportive parents but they were also so supportive of me and this helped on the times in the future, well, you know how it is around an ex.

Anyway, the world moved on and Pie and I developed our separate interests in terms of jobs, partners, houses, as is the way things go, but we were still always friends. We were always involved in each others lives to some degree, sometimes more than others. We were there when each of our kids were born, celebrated birthdays and she was my only bridesmaid at my wedding.

A few years later, Pie's mum, Tink, had an aneurysm in her head rupture. She was in a coma for months and when she came out of her coma she had to undergo extensive physio and has been wheel chair bound ever since. Pie once said to me that Tink wasn't "in there" any more but I think she was; she's just didn't have the social filter so was more raw in her expressions and I think Pie was just trying to disconnect from the pain she felt to see her mother that way and to be treated by her as she was.

This was obviously a hard time for all and created a huge burden on Pie's dad, Woolf, particularly, as he became Tink's full-time carer and had to do everyday things for Tink, the woman who he had thought he would always only ever need to be a husband to, that one would have to do for a baby with feeding her and cleaning her and doing everything that was needed so she could stay at home with him rather than go into a care facility. Sometimes he did this with more grace than others but no matter how tough things were, he always treated her with respect.

It's been a few years since I've seen Tink or Woolf but I keep in contact with Pie. We always talk about how they are going, their antics, Woolf's latest interest (he's always doing something). When I found the photo the other day I spent ages just looking at it. It was from 1992 so was before Tink's aneurysm and Woolf looked so young. It was a candid shot and it captured so much of their personalities. It made me sad for what they had both lost with Tink's health.

Then, last week, Pie had an update on Facebook that was a little cryptic but I knew something was wrong. I contacted her and she told me that Woolf had had a suspected heart attack. I've seen recent photos of him and I know he looks like most other men in their sixties but in my head and in my heart he is as he was before - doing ballroom dancing with Tink in the lounge room with all of us laughing because he danced like a six-foot tall bikie fairy - making paola, pumpkin soup, curried sausages or the famous chicken-noodle soup potato dish - coming in and jumping on the bed to wake Pie and I up when I'd slept over - drinking beers with his mates at his 50th birthday party (he loved the present I got him - a model of a motor bike made out of nuts and bolts, I think it was his favourite present of the night).

Pie gave me an update a few days later saying they didn't think it was a heart attack and that things were looking good. He came home from hospital a few days later.

Then, this morning, the phone rang at ten to eight and it was D-San to tell me that Woolf had passed away on Saturday night. Pie hadn't been able to ring me herself but I ended up speaking to her and we cried together over the phone line that connected the 300km that separate us these days. They said it wasn't his heart, he had just given up. He'd taught his oldest grandchild about fresh tomatoes and knew that Pie and his other kids were finally getting things together and being the people that they want to be. He had a few beers and ate pizza and then passed away later that night.

Pie made me laugh, even through our tears, and I can hear Woolf laughing with us, too. I know that the last thing he would want is for everyone to be crying, but I am so sad for the way the world turns sometimes. I can see the inspiration in the person that he was and I know that there is a lesson coming for me through that, but for now I just feel like crying. I sit here and write this as the candle I have lit for in memory shines brightly as it burns down, as is the way with our lives here on earth. Woolf always shone, no matter what his circumstances, and he was always busy and just doing something but he took it all in his (very long) stride and he made it look easy to balance everything that life throws at you. He had a warmth in his heart that glowed through every pour on his face and a kindness and humour in his eyes that always made you think things were going to be ok and I'm crying because all of that is gone now. And I know he is happier now and that he was ready to die and after I finish with my tears I will raise a glass to him and will honour the lessons he taught starting by working on making my own decisions and then making everyday choices to support that.

Blessed be, Woolf, you are much loved and I am grateful for having known you in this world. May your spirit be able to soar now with the freedom that this transition makes possible and may your energy and love stay forever in our hearts.

Decisions, Choices and Empowerment

I've been thinking a lot lately about decisions and choices. They are very similar concepts but I have been focused not on there similarities but on how they differ and how their differences apply to life. There are a number of very specific definitions of each word, which I invite you to look up if you're so inclined, else I ask you to just humour me in my ramblings for a wee bit.

The reason that I am looking at these two concepts lately is because I am increasingly aware of the many times when I do things that don't support a particular goal I am working towards. This, in essence, is the struggle of willpower. Why do I choose to do something that I know is working against something that I have previously decided I wouldn't do?

In this context, it seems to me that decisions are linked to resolutions but choices are linked to actions.

Looking at things this way, I have been able to work on increasing my awareness of my choices, separating them from habits or idle actions (or inactions, as the case may be) and linking those choices back to the decisions I have made previously.

I believe this is part of taking responsibility for your life and that this leads to the greatest gift of empowerment that we, as humans, are able to enjoy.

In All Of This

I'm feeling like I am getting lots done and like I am just so organised today and then I look around me and see so many half done things and things that are on my To Do list. How in the world do I think I could fit in a full time job in all of this!

You Get Nothing for Nothing

I just wanted to let everyone know that I have nothing to say. Please feel free to leave comments to let me know if you also have nothing to say in return.

Wide Berth

Ok, so this picture is me at the minute:

I've got a few things going on that have forced me to look into my past and I'm not at all happy about it.

I'm not having any trouble accepting responsibility for my choices but that is making me pretty angry at myself and I feel like I have been living with my head in the sand and like reality has just hit me in the face like a ton of bricks.

As a result I'm taking a hard line with day to day stuff that is going on around me. Tolerance is one of the first casualties when I am feeling like this but if I'd been a bit more like this in the past then I don't believe I would be feeling so disappointed with myself right now.

Don't get me wrong, I've got a lot of wonderful things in my life and I know that without all of the hard times I've made it through then I wouldn't have the good things that I do now, but I'm still resentful and only have myself to blame for talking tough while actually being a push-over.

Sheesh, I must be a nightmare to live with but, fair warning - it's probably best to give me a wide berth at the moment!

Wanna Play A Game?

*click image for larger view*

There are apparently more than 100 famous personalities from around the world in this photo - how many can you name?

(apparently being able to identify 25 or more is pretty good)

I Thought This Picture Pretty Much Well Summed Things Up

Even Better Again

Managed to get through the day without upsetting anyone, well, not *too much* anyway. Had a few laughs at work. Good news for my friend the tea lady whose contract role was coming to an end and has been approached by another division to transfer with all of the conditions she was hoping for. It was really nice to see her happy and to actually be there and enjoy the good news with her.

Calmer at home this evening but not completely calm. I decided to try to play a few songs on the keyboard. I had about six lessons when I was about nine so have a very basic understanding of music (as well as my self-taught guitar stylings that I am putting almost zero practice into these days) and used to muck around on the keyboard at home when I was little but wouldn't go so far as to say I can actually play. I'd printed out a chord chart and picked a few easy songs and was so surprised that I could play them much better than I ever would have thought using techniques that I have never used or been shown before. It was really quite enjoyable but in reality I don't have the time or money to learn properly so it's just going to be another one of those things that I can almost but not quite do, like most of the other things in my life. Jack of all trades and master of none, as they say.

That's about it for me. Up too late again and feeling really tired but knowing that tomorrow will be even better again.

For Very Long

Had a bit of a crazy week; I seemed to be all over the shop. The big question for me this weekend is why are some things ok some days but completely intolerable on other days? Sometimes I have patience, sometimes I let things slide, sometimes I think about hurtful memories in a detached way. But then, on other days, it all seems to get on top of me and I really struggle.

I've been enjoying work and it has made me start to re-assess where I'm at and where I want to be in terms of a career and just my life in general. I have never really enjoyed being a stay at home mum but this time I have been surprised to find that I have actually quite liked it. I do think that has run it's course now though and this time is coming to an end. That has part of what my last two posts have been about - what I want to do with my life and I have been pretty inspired and felt that so many of the possibilities were actually quite feasible. I know most of it is a state of mind, as is most things with me.

I've been getting up at 6am for the past few weeks and really *trying* to get to bed at 10pm (says she at almost 10.30pm). My mind and body are really starting to get used to it now and I'm very glad for this self-imposed change in routine. I've also been on the exercise bike every morning this week. I started at just 15 minutes, which is realistic, and am up to 20 minutes now. I'd like to be up to 30 minutes by the end of the week and stay around there for a while. The time frame is more about state of mind than fitness - although I am not very fit, I am really not challenging myself physically as yet, it's more getting motivated and being able to fit it into my morning routine before the kids get up. It's a very good way to start the day and I am also enjoying that immensely.

On Thursday, though, I was angry. The widdies were annoying each other and driving me crazy in the process and I just had no patience. I did well to get them off to school/care without yelling, but it was pretty close - it's particularly hard not to raise your voice when they are yelling at each other and you're struggling just to get them to notice you at all. I had a good day at work but evenings are pretty stressful and I was completely over being ignored and argued with over the simplest of instructions so ended up pretty cranky on Thursday afternoon.

Then there was Friday and The Starchild to contend with. It was a very long week for him and there are a few things that I am trying to deal with in terms of family that aren't sitting well on my heart and the reality of it is that he is no bloody support at all. The cold hard facts are that the life I live is the result of my own choices but some days I'm just not that happy about that and this has been the case in the last few days.

I had a wonderful sisterhood day at the cottage on Saturday and did step out of my comfort zone a little with the Master/Mistress Witch competition - I'm not really a competitive person and I was really disappointed in myself at the very basic stuff that has been part of my life for so long that I couldn't remember. I was happy that I made it through a few rounds when I really felt that I deserved to be eliminated in round one but I guess that's the story of my life, well, some days I think it is anyway.

Saturday afternoon was a shocker. The Starchild had promised the widdies that they and all of the neighbourhood kids could go in the pool when I got home to sit out there and watch them. This is something we've discussed before but he just doesn't get it that we have a different idea of what I find fun and how anything he is doing shouldn't necessarily take priority over what I am doing (whether he knows what I'm doing or planning on doing or not). Yep, I'm really hitting whinge-mode now but well, that's just where I'm at.

Today there was, of course, more issues because I make my own choices of what I'm going to do and they don't always centre around sacrificing all of my time and energy to others. Things somehow settled this afternoon. Nothing was particularly said or done; things just seemed calmer.

I'm ready for bed now and hoping that my mood will have lifted tomorrow and that I get some of my natural energy back. There are so many things that I want to do and so much that I am excited about that I really don't want to stay where I am at the moment for very long.

Existing In That Space

I guess I'm at the age where I'm becoming increasingly conscious of the passing of time. Having three grown step-kids is a constant reminder of what my own three children will soon become in the mere blink of an eye.

This also gives cause for reflection on my own life and achievements and I've decided that I want more. Unfortunately I am very well programmed into societies conditioning to want things immediately or to give up and move on. I'm working on changing this. It's hard but not impossible.

There are things that I believe with my whole heart that I don't give myself the chance to follow through with. I think this is a fairly common human trait but holding onto these limitations is no longer acceptable to me. I guess it hasn't been acceptable for a while but, like I say, getting things from my belief system to my reality is not something that I've been putting into practice for most of my life.

It's very empowering to be working with the knowledge that I have been collecting all of the little bits and pieces that I will need to create the reality that I want. An undeniable belief in that knowledge was the gift from my higher self at the last full moon ritual (thanks, Jewell) and I'm very excited to be existing in that space right now.

Shouldn't This Qualify?

I've found myself with a very sudden change of direction - or at least a change in attitude about my current situation and a desire for a change of direction. I'm the first to admit that consistency and maintaining enthusiasm when there are so many things that spark my interest are not my strong points, but it feels different this time - somehow not just feasibly but actually possible and growing more so every day.

It is all very positive and it has a bit of a "This Is Your Life" theme happening, although, of course, I won't have famous sports stars, people from the entertainment industry or long lost family members and mentors coming out to tell fun anecdotes about me in the good ole days - but the voice in my head does do a pretty good impersonation of Mike Monroe.

Inspired, I am. Not for the first time, but I tell my kids that you get better at things with practice, so why shouldn't this qualify?

Please Participate

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A Message by George Carlin

I received an email today that I have had before but I like it so much that I thought it was worth sharing here.

A Message by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, ' I love you ' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

That I'm Sure

Busy with nothing much to say. The Smiley Monster was home sick on Monday after a HUGE weekend, poor little tike. I worked from 9.30am to 5.30pm on Tuesday and didn't realise until walking out the door that I hadn't even stopped for lunch. That was OK when I used to do it all the time but as a one off it really took it out of me. Yesterday was volunteer work at the school, then groceries, then cottage meeting, then picking kids up from school, then swimming lessons, then finishing a sketch I started last week, then music lessons, then showering kids, then dinner, then putting kids to bed, then an hour of telly, then emails, then bed. Today is work again and some other stuff after that I'm sure.

Put Into Practice

I've been thinking a lot lately about some of the sources of stress in my life. One in particular is constantly feeling pressed for time and like I am rushing about everywhere. On one hand I think it is because I am trying to do so much, on the other I think it is because I waste so much time so don't get through as many things as I could.

Part of this problem is that I am usually worried about being late for things - big or small. I tried to tell myself not to worry about it if I am going to be late, but that just hasn't been sitting well with me. Tried it on, didn't like it, looking for a better fit now I guess.

Something that I've noticed is that I used to be occasionally late but more often was early. Now, it seems, that I tend to time my preparation and travel so that I arrive pretty much on time, rather than early, and then if I take longer than anticipated or if there is a delay of any kind, I have no buffer so rather than being slightly less early or on time, I'm inevitably late.

I guess it's understandable that because I am trying to fit so much in that I am narrowing my margins but it really is just a matter of adjusting my planning slightly and I should, theoretically, be able to have a very positive impact in terms of reducing some of the stress in my life.

Why does everything always sound so simple but is always much harder to put into practice?

The Land of Nod

Oh, my - what a very full day. I didn't stop from start to finish and my very long To Do list has lots of items crossed out as completed but there's no real sense of accomplishment.

My temp work went well last week and it was good to have the few extra dollars coming in. I ended up working three part days last week and got a lot done but it was far from rewarding work. I can only do two days this week. I went in on Monday and in the last hour there I finally got into some stuff that is closer to what I actually do in terms of "real" work.

Tuesday was a bit of a wipe out for me, I watched nine episodes of The United States of Tara - very strange show but loving it completely! Drank a bottle of wine, which I sometimes would prefer not to but have to concede it also helped me in a way. Nighty, night and more crazy dreams, seems to be the order of the day (/night) at the moment.

Today started with normal morning routine getting everyone ready for their various adventures: the smiley monster at family day care and Kman and the impossible princess to school. I do volunteer work at the school each Wednesday for about two hours. There's a few kids that I really feel like I am connecting with and that is a really special thing, I think. Up to the shops, chinese for lunch and a brief but pleasant encounter with a lovely guy by the name of Daniel who was out with his carer who was helping him with his lunch. It still makes me smile with such warmth at how happy and even perhaps a little nervous he was just for the simple pleasure of talking to a stranger in a food court. I so admire people who give their time to looking after others and helping them have some semblance of a normal life - if there even is such a thing as normal for anyone. I didn't get back home until 2pm, which gave me half an hour to unpack my purchases and put them all away, but I was so glad to only have one thing to have moved to my Thursday/Friday To Do list at the end of it all.

Once that was done I was back at the school to pick up Kman and the impossible princess. Home for 20 minutes then off to swimming lessons. Picked up the smiley monster on the way home from swimming, then 15 minutes later comes our musical guest to give Kman guitar lessons and the impossible princess keyboard lessons and her daughter mini curls to play with the smiley monster who was almost unfathomably naughty!

The next hour was finding the kitchen bench, organising Kman's birthday party, RSVP'ing to another birthday party, cooking a quick dinner for the smiley monster so he could be whisked off to bed as soon as our musical guest and mini curls had left and also making veal schnitzel for the rest of the family. Then there was organising showers, feeding animals, custard and icecream for desert and watching the last three episodes of The United States of Tara and blogging. I'll have to get Kman's birthday party invitations designed and printed and then, just maybe, I'll have earnt my pass into the land of nod.

Honour With My Actions

There are a few messages that I am getting at the moment, perhaps more reassurances than messages, but there are two main themes that keep recurring in many of the events and anecdotes that make up my life. The first theme is that sometimes we ask for things in our lives, then upon further reflection we come to the conclusion that we don't really need them only to find that they suddenly come into our lives shortly after. The second theme is that every moment of our existence contributes to the pool of resources that will be available for us to draw on in our futures.

I've had a few moments of self-doubt lately and in my heart I have been longing for people to come up to me and give me some positive feedback. At first I tried to tell myself that as long as I wasn't getting any negative feedback then I must be doing ok but my confidence continued to dwindle and I couldn't understand why there wasn't even one comment to let me know I was doing ok. I wasn't expecting rapturous praise, just a kind word or a quick phrase to let me know what I was doing was embarrassingly atrocious, but nothing was forthcoming.

I'm not the kind of person who will seek out praise and I believe that sometimes if you have to ask then the response you get is tainted and therefore less reliable and less rewarding so asking was not an avenue I felt comfortable pursuing. More so, if my confidence was already faltering, I really didn't want to put myself in a situation where I would over-analyse and twist any response I might get.

In the end I put it down to two choices: give up or keep going. Simple as that really. Could I deliberately deprive myself of things that I was enjoying for no solid, tangible or definable reason? Wasn't it enough to just do things to my own standards and not worry about what others thought?

Fortunately, I came to the conclusion that the only time you fail is when you give up and I wasn't ready to throw in the towel just yet. Gradually my concerns seemed to fade into the background and I guess if I started to think about them then there were words and descriptions for them but they were no longer vivid, they no longer had emotions attached to them and they didn't really feel part of me any more. And it was good to be in that place.

Then, today, without warning and in a chance conversation, I got some great feedback from someone I really wasn't expecting it from. It was spontaneous and heart-felt and the words chosen resonated so well against my previous doubts. For a moment, it was like the things that were worrying me jumped directly up to the surface again and I felt them with full force but they were quietened immediately and I was reminded again of this same theme that seems to keep coming up time and again. Once you learn to walk in faith and to hold belief in your heart, you will be delivered on your prayers only they will mean so much more to you as they become a reassurance of yourself rather than a false crutch from an external source that won't always be constantly available moving forward.

In another incident earlier this week, some of the questions that I have been mulling over about my life and my direction in terms of a career and making a living while balancing my home life took a great leap forward. I tend to have lots of epiphanies in the shower and this was the site of yet another. In one moment I felt like I was holding the pieces of a 3D puzzle in my hands almost subconsciously, turning them over, looking at them from different angles and trying to get them all to fit. Then two things happened. The first was that I received an idea and the second was that I realised that all of the pieces to the puzzle were snippets of memories of things I'd experienced, some of which were so trivial and some I didn't even realise I'd taken note of, but each one of them was part of the solution that made up the idea that had surfaced.

At that time, I felt a huge connection with all of the universe. I felt like my prayers had been answered once I'd decided to just keep on moving and not letting the things I didn't have become a road block to getting the things I wanted out of life and I felt that God was moving so actively in my life and my existence.

Now, don't think that I am presuming to assert that my idea is 100% positively, without a doubt, falling-into-my-lap style turn of fate going to change my life in an instant but I do believe that it is an item of potential that if I work at and be realistic about in terms of time frames then I will have something a little more real to work towards.

So, as I sit here tonight, I'm grateful for being able to recognise things sometimes. To have moments of clarity that are so real and so inspiring and that just well up within me and provide me the connection that so many of us are looking for each day. That I can hold onto the pieces of the puzzle and I can continue to work at them until they make sense to me and that I can appreciate the endless strings of events that I am part of and that I can make choices about in order to create my own future and my own reality. This is one of the great gifts of life and one that I hope to honour with my actions.