2011 - So Mote It Be

New Years Eve
almost here
and so glad I am
to see the back
of 2010.

I've been doing
a hell of a lot
of looking back
over my life
and am finally starting
to see things
much more clearly
than I ever have before.

Not all of it is pretty
and there is much of it
that was downright horrible
horrendous
and I am finally starting
to see all of that
for what it was
and to actually feel
the things
that I should have let myself feel
at the time.

This has been very tough indeed
and even though this year
has not has as many of these
terrible events
which I am honestly grateful for
it has still made
2010
one of hardest years of my life.

And while opening myself
to all of this past pain and hurt
that still affects me today
has been tough
it was work that I had to do
and to do in my own time
when I was ready.

Even though 2010
for me
has not been a very good year
it has still been
much of what I expected
on some levels.

One of the strongest feelings
that I started this year with
was that I would experience
personal revelations
in the way I looked at life.

Copernican shifts
was the term
that stuck with me
and 2010
has been very true to that indeed.

I've done a lot
of stripping things back
of stripping myself back
and with the end of 2010
I feel I am now ready
to move out of that stage
even though
for me the transition
probably won't fully occur
until my birthday in February
I can still feel the change
beginning now
and am well and truly
welcoming it into my life.

Even so
this has been one of the happiest Christmases
I have had for a very long time.

This year's summer solstice
blessed me with
such amazing energy
and was such a shift in itself
but I see this
more as a move
into the next phase of my life.

This new years eve
I am starting the year
how I intend for it to finish
and will do
all in my power
to make that so.

I have but one wish
for new years eve
and that is health
for I accept responsibility
for all of the other blessings
and I know
that my life is now
as I have created it
and through that knowledge
and experience
I have the power
to make my future
all that I want it to be.

May all of my family and friends
also have the gift of health
and have a year that is free from illness and injury
so that the rest of what we long for
can find a place in our lives as well.

In 2011
so mote it be.

Know God

That everyone
explores
and decides upon
their own belief system
is of paramount importance
in my eyes.

Whatever you decide
let it be your own choice
and may you enjoy the freedom
to express your beliefs
without fear of prejudice
and without distraction
to allow for the respect
of every other person's beliefs.

But
no matter what you decide
I cannot help
but hope
from the greatest depths of my heart
that you have an understanding of
the divine
and that you find your key
to connecting
to that universal energy
and really knowing your creator
so that you have a sense of belonging
and connection to
by whatever name you shall know
God.

My Reality

I know
you mess with my head
but I still
after all these years
don't know
if you mean to or not.

Once foes
now careful allies
maybe even friends
how ever things were
and
how ever things are
it is good
healthy even
to be able to
honestly
truly
put aside
all of the hurt
betrayal
doubt
and just enjoy
one another's company.

Even so
you always seem to say
something
that keeps me wondering
and opens me to the mystery
that is your past
and makes me think about
how much of that
I should let in.

There are so many times
where you have
completely and utterly
summed me up
without the sugar coating
and again you do that for me
and I seem to learn from it
in a positive way
in the face of
negative words.

And never do I
take offence
to what you say
about me
but it is the things you say
about others
the ones I love
on whose authority
can you speak
and say the things you do
that leave me wondering
and leave me second guessing
your motives
their motives
and even my motives
by the way you look at things
and the things you say
that mess with my mind
even after all these years.

I've said it before
and I'll say it again:
family is a strange beast
and it is one that extends
beyond the blood lines
to those we give passage-way
into our lives
directly
or by proxy.

Any you are in mine
and it has been so
so
so
painful at times
but the pain seems to have gone now
and I am ready
to learn the lesson
and take that lesson
into the next phase
which I can feel building
and forcing it's momentum
into my reality.

Afraid Of

Finally
finally
finally
a day filled with
the feelings of
real possibilities.

Such mid-summer energy
has suddenly
collided with my consciousness
and pushed out
overwhelm
lethargy
apathy.

Cautious though still
fearing burnout
but so wanting
to harness this energy
and also truly needing to
this close to Christmas
with family responsibilies
all resting on my shoulders
while my husband works
17 hour days.

But even that seems
manageable today.

Taking things
one step at a time
and being realistic
about only being
a tentative few steps
in front of a time
of not even being able to crawl
let along being able to
put one foot in front of the other.

Filled with gratitude today
for my family
and my friends
for those who have had me
in their thoughts
as their prayers
have today reached my heart
and I feel connected
as I should be.

Now there is a "should"
that I am not afraid of.

No Interest

No interest.

No Energy

No energy.

I Should Be

It's not like
it's any surprise
that life
is constantly changing
but
more and more
I am realising
that I can do change
but can't do change as well.

It's not that I mind
that things change
it's just that I never seem
to be in the now
of any given change
so when the next change comes
I really hardly notice it
because I am still
focusing on
the previous state
in a feeble attempt
to be
wherever the Hell
it is that I should be.

Be Seen

So many things
going through my head
at the moment
but no productive actions
because I am either
existing in the past
or in the future
but never in the present
and therefore
never find myself doing
the things that are right
for my time.

Yes, I can acknowledge
that this is the thought pattern
of some individuals
who do extraordinary things
and while I sometimes feel
this is in my potential
it more usually feels
like it is so far removed
from my true existance
as I had never even been able
to dream it may have been.

Everything
seems just
out of my reach
and there is nothing
that I feel
is within
my actual capabilities
at the minute.

Still,
with my resent thoughts
on failure
I know more
to be true
that failure
only really occurs
when you give up
and
thankfully
I am not
giving up
and therefore
I am not failing.

How that evolves
remains to be seen.

Deserve That

Little pockets of anger
have become
my newest companions.

Perhaps it is because
I have denied them for so long.

Perhaps I have been blind.

Perhaps I didn't feel
like I was worthy
of getting upset over.

But now
it is invading
my sleep
as well as my waking moments.

I think you will feel
like I have abandoned you
rejected you
but the real problem is
I feel
abandoned and rejected
by you.

Family is a strange beast.

A strange beast indeed.

For people we know
and who we know
know us
and who our rational mind
tell us
that when we are apart
we do not need
one another
our subconscious
tells us
a completely
different
story.

Family
is who we are connected to
despite the reality
of who we are
and sometimes
when we feel
we cannot heal
the wounds of family
we know
in our heart of hearts
that we cannot escape them either.

Tonight
I sit in silent contemplation
and wish you well
as much as
I wish you wished me well.

I really think we both deserve that.

The Case

Feeling like
I have admitted
and accepted
defeat.

Knowing that
the choice is no long mine
no longer in my power
and that
handing this over
have been my failing
and entirely my doing
because I couldn't do enough.

Fearful that
things will get better
at the same time as
being fearful that
things will get better
and that the only way
that this can ever happen
is totally beyond my ability.

Wishing that
all I am
would be enough
but feeling that
this will never be the case.

My Passion

Knowing something
understanding it
is not the same
as being able to define it
and it is this skill
that I have been
increasingly lacking in
over the last
however many years.

Just very recently
however
I have noticed
this is something
that I have started to regain.

To not be able to say
what I think
or to express it
and also remember it
has plagued me
like a gaping hole
in my very consciousness
that I had an awareness of
as this was still knowledge
and understanding
but I just couldn't define it.

It is only now
that I am starting to
regain this paradise of words
that I can see
how much it has affected
my sense of self
because as human beings
we look for patterns and
dare I say it
labels
to find understanding
but this process must work
in both directions
and words are the tools
that separates us
from the beasts.

Some reading I am doing at the moment
with a 'how to' type book
has made me realise
just how many of these techniques
I had already known
and actually been apply
from a very early age
but that had become
lost in the ether of my existance
and this realisation
has been incredibly eye opening
but not regretfully so
for a very, very nice change.

There are so many things
that I am trying to sort out
about who I am
versus who I was
and who I never was
and never will be
and in this process
I am pleasantly surprised
to find that some things that I had longed for
yet given up hope on
are actually still part of me.

That rediscovery
is inspiring
and something
that I know I can build on
and is key
to finding
my passion.

In Life

There are so many things
that I don't understand
least of which
is why the things I think
and the things I want
are so far away
from the life I live.

Each day
starts with such promise
and there is so much
that I want to do
and I feel so busy
yet so tired
right through to my bones
so even though
I feel like I never stop
I'm still not doing
the things that I want to do
and plan to do
and seem to see
others doing.

Expectation has a lot to answer for
and that is something
that I understand
and accept
but am still so painfully aware
of the incongruence
between my mind
and my existence.

Yet somehow
through the fog and calamity
I still feel hope
and that is something
that I hadn't felt
for such a long time
so when I feel it now
I am grateful.

I am also grateful
for the lessons I learn
and I know that
even those that I forget
stay with my subconscious
like the messages of my dreams
and build on the creation
that I was born to be
and to continue to develop into
and to fulfil my purpose in life.

Passing On

My mind at the minute
is a mass
of whirling experiences
competing for relevance
in a world where relevance
is my whole existance.

Sensation overload
feeling everything
and being okay
with much more
of what I am feeling
at the minute
than those same exposures
would cause
just a few short months ago.

One thing
leads to another
and timeframes
overlap in all of this.

Seeing things
in a non-linear way
and truly seeing a glimpse
of the bigger picture
enough to know
that I do not need to know
and that I only need to live
right here
right now.

So much to do
and still not enough energy
or motivation
but
at
least
not
complete
dibilitation
so
counting
my
blessings
on
that
front
at
least.

Feeling
so much
acceptance
for the experiences
of others
and the
validity
of their
responses -
that is what
is bringing me to tears
these days.

Still a great longing
for things of the past
but now coupled with
a pulling
that is getting stronger and stronger
towards the future
and complete and utter gratitude
for those who have travelled with me
in the past
in the present
and who will be with me
in the future.

Thank you, all,
you are all so valuable to the world
in your existence
in my existence
and in the existence of others
and I am so amazed
at the way the world works
to create a perfect synchronicity
in all that is.

My prayer tonight
is that all who are seeking
will find
at least one piece
of their own puzzle
as well as
at least one piece
of someone else's puzzle
that they can have the honour
of passing on.

Company

Today is
bright and shiny
for me
and for that
I am so very, very grateful.

There are
of course
things going wrong
in my life
in the lives of my friends
and in the world in general
such as there is everyday
but today
I seem somehow better equipped
to live amongst these things.

What has made today different?

Or, more accurately,
what has made today the same
but me different?

To be honest
I just don't know.

Does it matter what is different?

Well, in a way, it really does,
because without knowing what is different
I won't know what I need to change
next time I am feeling down.

There are certainly
tricks
I can use
to try to ward off
the darkness
but do any of these really work?

Clearly I'm not of the kind of disposition
to just stop questioning and accept
so in the absence of answers
I will continue with all of my many questions
to keep me company.

To Stand

It occurs to me
today and many other days past
that in the last few years of my life
I have been in a kind of recession
in that bit by bit
the universe has worked
to change my life
and I have felt that involvement
so strongly
and even at terrible times
I have felt a contentment and trust
that what was happening
was happening for a reason
and even during the times
when I no longer cared
what that reason was
what I was doing
was actually rejecting
what I knew was true
not changing my beliefs
so that even though
I truly believed
there was a purpose
and a reason
I had chosen
in those dark times
to refuse to take part.

It's amazing to realise
that even after years and years
of things not actually getting better
and of separating from my beliefs
that they still existed
and are still here waiting for me
as I start to emerge.

But over these last few years
it seems that as a direct result
of the pressures and
my great strength that became my great weakness
things have changed in my life
and I have always known
that I was where I was meant to be
and have had peaks and troughs
in many different things
there has been a massive downward trend
in a lot of the pressures
and I have developed the habit
of working to further reduce and protect
my existence.

Now, with a book
that is not particularly famous
interesting
or relevant
but is one that I know
I would usually chose
to protect myself from
I have instead found myself
listening to and acting on the synchronicities
and have decided to seek out
and read this book
even though it contains
some of the most horrendously true attrocities
and I don't really need to read it
somehow I actually do need to read it
and there is a fear within me
that I am not ready
and that I never really was ready
or ever really will be ready
and that everything is just easier
when I bury my head in the sand
and pretend bad things don't exist
when the truth is
I know they do
and I feel unable to accept
that living in this world
is an acceptable option
but never the less
I am reading this book
and I know what happens
and how it ends
and none of it is good
yet still I read
bit by bit
and
it occurs to me
that reading this
may help rebuild the wall
of who I am
in the place
where the wall
of who I need to hide away
used to stand.

But Me

Today I have noticed
that there has been a change in tone
in some of the memories
that I have been
holding in my hand
and against my heart
as I have been taking
my usual trips down memory lane.

As usual
I have been revisiting
many different
trials and tribulations
and I remember being angry at the time
or resentful
or disappointed
and looking back
sometimes in regret
sometimes in remorse
sometimes still in anger
but always with at least one eye
focused squarely
intensely
and critically
on myself.

This
of course
has resulted over the course of many years
in a weakening of the walls
only now I am realising
that I had every right to build those walls
and that many of them
made me who I was
and that tearing them down
brick by brick
at a time in my life
when I hadn't even had the chance
to build them fully
was a huge disrespect
to myself as a person
and has had a huge impact
on the state I now find myself in.

It is good to be looking at these challenges
with the benefit of hindsight and maturity
and seeing them for what they were
and that is totally fucked up
and more to the point
totally not my fault.

I haven't always believed
that I did the best I could
because even though
I knew with all honesty
how hard I was trying
and how much I cared
I was still somehow
demanding and expecting
more of myself
and that wasn't right.

Now I can see
and I can truly feel
and I can also accept
that I did do my best
and my best is actually
quite fucking awesome
and even if it wasn't properly understood
or appreciated
or just simply all I could do in a terrible situation
those short-falls were not my short-falls
and I should have still been able to
wear my thoughts and actions
with pride and honour
because it was who I was
and more importantly
it was who I was meant to be
and who I was meant to continue to grow into.

In all my many, many hours
of wallowing in what never was
rarely am I
so forgiving of myself
as I have found myself being today.

It has always bothered me
when I see people
who have been horrendously treated
returning to those who have hurt them
on the basis that
for them
true forgiveness
is only possible
when the person who has caused the pain
is part of your life in a loving way
and I'm not sure
if it bothered me
because I felt it lacked self-respect
or because I felt some things should not be forgiven
or for any other number of reasons
and I was told recently
that it was perfectly okay
for me to be bothered by this
because this solution did not have to "fit" me.

Knowing this was a huge relief
and now I find that I am taking the next step
and rather than trying to work out
how I can forgive some things of others
I have actually been able to
turn the concept of forgiveness
back onto myself
and I am starting by forgiving me
which is a huge and surprising step forward
and I know that I still have such a long way to go
but it feels kind of like hope
to consider a future
where I don't have to carry
all of the blame that I had taken on
and to be able to consider a future
where I don't need
to rebel against judgement and condemnation
and to strive for
acceptance and validation
from anyone else but me.

Know How

Did I mention already
that the day time wears me down?

Today has been no exception
and it is a tough night indeed.

There is just so much
that I would change
but I just
don't
know
how.

Will Too

By the end of the day
I am usually worn out
physically
emotionally
and spiritually
but
something that has surprised me
is that I seem to be
starting each day
in a much better
frame of mind.

For this I am
both relieved and grateful.

Around me I am seeing

many friends
who are unhappy.

Throughout my most recent bout
of soul-deep unhappiness
the only constant source
of tolerability in this existence
has been a reflection on the natural world
and my belief in
the beauty and benefit
of the turning of the wheel of the year.

This is just something that I understand
something that I accept
even when I am in the midst
of rejecting all else
every aspect
of myself
of other people
the turning of the wheel
retained it's resonance
with my soul.

As each day passes
and I am feeling "better"
my love of the wheel of the year
has deepened
and broadened
and I have accepted
more and more
of what it includes.

For this I am also
both relieved and grateful.

But when I am seeing
my friends
unhappy about
what I am now seeing
to be intrinsically linked
to the turning of the wheel
it saddens my heart
that they are not seeing
the beauty
that is there
or that they are seeing the beauty
but are allowing their vision
to be tainted
and manifest itself
in negative comments
and compaints.

It makes me sad
because they are missing out
on an opportunity
for happiness
but also
they are taking a negative view
on the only thing
that got me through
the absolutely darkest period of my life.

Each day we are given
opportunities to learn and grow
and I am relieved and grateful
that I am again moving
in a positive direction
and am accepting
that I am still
and perhaps always will
be walking over rough, uneven ground
as I travel my path.

My focus at this time
is to work on mindfulness
of living in the moment
and of appreciating everything.

My prayer at this time
is that you will, too.

To Live

Even in my darkest moments
I always knew that
my life
was a direct result
of my choice
and that my current situation
was also a choice.

The problem was
I felt that I had made
so many terrible choices
in the past
and that I was a thte point where
even though I knew I had a choice
in that very moment
I had no interest
in positive change
and I just could not see
how
to actually choose
and make choices
anymore.

I didn't feel capable
of being in control
and all I saw
about the times
when perhaps I had been in control
was mistake after mistake.

In short,
I wasn't honouring myself
and my life lessons.

Even knowing that
didn't change the way I felt about it.

Sometimes I still feel that way
but less and less often
and for shorter and shorter periods
and to shallower and shallower depths.

And for that I am so grateful.

There is no reason
in these feelings
and as a logical being
this intensified the feelings
of overwhelm
and being out of control
and powerlessness to change anything.

Now I can see the choices a little clearer
and once I made the choice
to change
and once I accepted
that it had taken a very, very long time
to get to the point that I was at
so therefore it was also going to take
a very, very long time
to move in a stable and controlled way
to the place that I wanted to be
this was the only choice that mattered
and I made it the founding choice
for everything else
and that has helped.

It is still a long road
and even on the days
when I feel
what could possibly resemble
some sort of normality
and that I don't need the same things
that I needed when I made the choice to get better
I know that I do actually need to continue them
and that it is okay to need that support
for a little while longer
and that there is no need
to feel like I am only strong
when I am going it alone
because true strength
is in utilising all of your resources
and alchemising them
into the future I want to live.

Meant To Be

We are holistic beings
meaning
everything we do
has affects and consequenses
on other aspects of us
and our lives.

What works for some
does not always work for others
in terms of paths and attitudes
but there are undeniable basics
that work for all.

These are the natural laws
under which we all live
and which I believe
are the ongoing work of God
and when chronology is seen as a concept
rather than another natural law
the real natural laws
can be seen as creation
and the science of God
where the two work hand in hand
and are one
as are we all.

So many times
I think about getting back to these basics
of existence
but so many times
I fail to make it through even one day
where all of my choices
support what I
with all my heart and all my soul
believe will help.

This is where it is obvious
that I am an individual
and like all individuals
I have my own path
and my own attitude
and need to find my own way
with who and what I am
to get to the point
where I am holistically honouring
who I am
and who I am meant to be.

Again Now

Mixed messages
from the universe.

How unusual.

How to sort out
what I'm thinking
and what I'm feeling
and know
how to move through each day
working towards
living a purposeful existence?

How to find the time
and the inspiration
and the motivation?

Do these things even exist?

I'm beginning to doubt
that there was ever a time
when these things were
part of me
part of my life
so how can I expect
to find them again now?

Don't

Standing on the outside
not even bothering
to look very far in
because I don't like what I see.

That is me today.

It's hard to look in
because looking in
reinforces the fact
that I am on the outside
and I have no idea
why I'm here
and not in there
although there is a level of belief
that tells me
this is partly my own doing
and partly my own destiny
so on that logic
it is not you
who does not let me in
it is not you
who makes me feel like I do not belong
it is not you
who excludes
it is just who I am
and who I am meant to be
on the path I am meant to walk.

Do I like it?
Am I happy about it?
Would this be what I chose for myself
if I felt I actually had a choice?

No, not at all.

But what else can I do?
Do I want to struggle?
Do I want to feel
like I am constantly battling against myself
and the universe?

When I barely have the strength
or the fortitude
or resilience
to fight the daily fight of existence
how could I possibly believe
I have the energy
to fight such other enormous forces?

And to that
the answer is simple:
I don't.

Purposeful Life

Always a million things
circling around
in the limitless limits
of my cranial cavity
bumping into one another
or travelling their merry path unhindered
such is the existence
of each solitudinous thought.

Today seem an abundance
of active thoughts
of thoughts about thoughts taking a back seat to deeds
and yes, indeed, there are many deeds, of which I am thinking today.

So many plans
so many things to do
teetering on overwhelm
but somehow controlled
because somehow seeming
more possible today
than other day
that are otherwise identical
other than the ability to work with overwhelm
rather than be engulfed by it.

Something I have decided lately
is that while I long for a more simple life
of things being easier
with less to do
this is not what I want at all
because it is these things
that make me feel alive
and that give me a passion for life
and for living
and the inspiration and drive
to continue each day
and to seek out a purposeful existence
and that is the way I want to live.

As much I am not really doing
crazy, overwhelming, ridiculously busy life
I don't think I could do
simple, easy, routine and boring life either.

What I need to be working towards
is not simplicity
although that works well for some
for me it is my fate
to be busy
and to learn that planned down time
is not laziness
and that relaxation
can also be purposeful
but most of all
I seek to live a full
and busy
and purposeful life.

That I Do

Have a "feeling" day today
where I am just coming out
and saying what I feel.

Look out world;
this is never a pretty process.

Everything from selfish, bullying drivers
to lovely, aging ladies who are trying to lead others in outdated and useless processes
are the focus of my verbalisations at the moment.

This is not to say that I am walking around abusing people
no, that is not what I do
but certainly biting my tongue is not what I do today either
not bowing graciously in silence when precious time and effort
is wasted when it could be much better utilised
through simple communication
and organisation.

So, that is me today
and it kind of feels good to feel
but I do realise
that I have a tendency to upset the apple cart at these times
and that when I feel I have been playing a role
that isn't me and I get to the whole crucible stage
rather than managing things step by step as they occur
then I'm really no fun at all for anyone else.

The other thing
perhaps separate
perhaps very much related
is that I have not slept well the last few nights
but without normal reason or cause
and have been very disconcerted
by the many, many energies around me
to the point where this morning
a voice woke me up
she told me "something"
just one or two words
and I think she counted to three
or was it from three to one?
and it wasn't like it was a dream
and it didn't feel like I was in a hypergognic state
it felt like she was standing next to the bed
actually saying whatever it was she said
and it wasn't worrying
if anything I had a sense of an explanation
like what she said made sense
and the problems sleeping made sense
but now I can't remember what she said.

So I have been very carefully and diligently
cleansing the energy around me
and creating a layer of protection around me
but am still feeling
penetrated
so maybe I'm meant to be feel more
maybe that's what this is about.

Oh, who knows
I'm just going to have to
work with it
day by day
and seek progress
in all that I do.

Sleep

Slowly backing away
but not sure why
I seem to have slipped
and am seeking
the same destructions
and today I have found
that I have double-booked
which I hate doing
as the best of times
but particularly on this occassion
as one appointment is very much overdue
and is one that has been trying to happen
again and again
but which can only be scheduled
in the narrowest of windows
and even then
has needed to have been
rescheduled so many times already
and now here I am
having to reschedule again
because the other appointment
is unavoidably necessary.

I've felt the energy changing
so much lately
swinging back and forth
like a pendulum on speed
and I seem to be
stuck to the pendulum
and swinging back and forth, too
only the pendulum
lives in Dorothy's Aunt Em's house
and is caught up in the magical tornado
that spins between the worlds.

Yes, that's where I feel like I am at the moment -
in a tornado between the worlds.

And there's no fairy dust in this tornado
and all I want to do is sleep.

To Be Again

A thousand years ago today
or was it a thousand and two?
I closed the lid
on a box I keep
and hid it from sight
until its memory slipped
beyond my consciousness
through my dreams
and wallowed in the pool
of never to be thought of.

As the days passed
and the moons waxed and waned
a hundred new lifetimes were born
and in each one
there was a need for the box
but the lid remained closed
for reasons as unknown
as the memories of the contents became.

Now I find
I am not only ready
but I am actively choosing
to explore those reasons
and through the steps I am taking
I am finding my strength
to face my demons
and without ever planning
or realising
or hoping to dream
about this forgotten box
the lid has suddenly and silently
been lifted
and there is has gifted me
with a beautiful and completely serendipitous experience
of remembering a little of the contents of that box
and while it is very much in need of a spring clean
it contains exactly what I need right now
and while it was with me all along
I was not ready
to open it
for I was
building my experiences
that will serve me in the next phase
but first
it really is time
to face those demons
and get the rest of the lid of that box
opened
and aired out
and dusted off
and cleaned up
for in that box
is who I really am
and who I am ready
to be again.

See It

A blue day
happens once in a while
and everything forms a question
that serves to create insecurities
but I am floating through this day
in the knowledge
that today is just
that kind of day
and that's ok
because tomorrow
will be a different kind of day
and I am ready
to at least try
to prepare to greet tomorrow
with a fresh eye
and a beating heart
and not to lament
the loss of today
for in each moment
there is success
if we only choose to see it.

So Much More

Slowly but surely
things are starting to work
including my brain
which has to be a good thing, right?

I always believed
that I had the pieces to the puzzle
although I didn't always feel that to be true
but now I am feeling it a little more
and it is now that I realise
how lost I had been
and how foolish I had been
and how grateful I now am
to be in this situation
rather than that one
which is not where anyone should be.

And while we may know
that we are who we are
and we have what we have
and don't have what we don't have
because of our own choices
that sometimes does nothing
to affect our sense of power
in being about to change any of it
but I am on the path
to reclaiming that
and it feels so much better
even it if still feels somewhat fragile
and I just grateful
that is all
and that is enough
for today
because tomorrow
I will be
so much more!

So Long Now

The lightest mood
in a long, long time
has found me today
in my hiding place
and I have found myself
rising to greet it
gratefully
and with antiscipation
rather than with the disdain
and rejection
that has settled in as my welcoming party
for so long now.

There were "moments"
yes
and I acknowledge
that my energy
has the energy of others
with which it must interact
for I have chosen them
and they have chosen me
to experience in this life
and setting up protection
is shutting down that energy
when it was meant to be
so what is really called for
is inner strength
and resilience
and perspective
and tolerance
and a multitude of other things

that have been sadly lacking
for so long now.

But I am nothing
if not stubborn
and I am feeling the strength
in that stubbornness
and I am feeling the determination
and inspiration
and energy
and passion
in that stubbornness
and am embracing it
even though the awareness
of it's potential fleetingness
lurks
never far from the surface
it is something I can accept today
and maybe again tomorrow
and then maybe the day after that
I will find that the lurking
starts to begin to commence
fading further and further
below the surface
and then
in any moment
it will all start to feel
much more normal
having that strength
and fortitude
which I should have had
for so long now.

In This Moment

Change is sometimes a state of mind
often a state of mind, in fact
and even though I feel ready
that feeling is sometimes only temporary
often only temporary, in fact
but it is one I choose to embrace
in this moment.

Out There

A difficult day
a difficult time
but it's time to peel the onion
and see if I can make parfait
(that's a little joke for all of the Shrek fans out there)

Don't Do It

Again
I was reminded
yesterday
of what is still
only just below the surface
of so many of us
who have lost
and who know
and accept
with their heads
that the end has come
and has also now gone
but in their hearts
and in their dreams
they still don't accept it
and that is still causing
so much pain.

I don't believe
there is a single person
in the whole
broad
circle
who isn't feeling the same way.

And in each one
there are so may lessons learned
and we all know
so much more
about who we are
and about what we want
and almost as importantly
about what we don't want
and we know there are things
that we can do
but somehow
we just don't do them.

This is the way with so many aspects of our lives

and it makes me confused
because I can't understand
how we know what to do
but we still don't do it.

Indeed

A facebook friend
who is a chef
but for some reason
have a preference
for random insiprational
and thought provoking comments
but only some days
posted the following today:

You find your path not by thinking, feeling, or doing but by surrendering. This reveals the impulses of spirit beneath the mask of ego.

It wasn't credited
but I understand
that it is from
Deepak Chopra.

Sounds like as good a plan as any
but am thinking
about the act of surrender
because it is a giving
and therefore there is also
a receiving
both by what is meant in the quote
but also you are surrendering
letting go
to another
and that's the bit
I need to get my head around
yes, Wendy logic
has kicked in again
and I get that this is an act that requires
the absence of logic
but if I can just prepare to release logic
by applying logic first
then I'm going to find it so much easier

something from scouts
that has been running around in my head
is their saying that
scouts do not give into themselves

so applying that to the Deepak Chopra quote
you don't give in or surrender to yourself
you can give in to God or the divine
or whatever label you use for such things
but is it just me or do others feel
like they are just left hanging there
when you do that

hmmmm
much to think about
indeed

The Alternative

It's one thing
to be at the point in your life
when you are looking back
on things that happened
twenty-three years ago
and to realise that there actually was
a "twenty-three years ago"
and how old that makes you feel
and then to realise
that there were things from that time
that are still affecting you now.

I'm not sure which realisation is worse.

I've reached a point
where my old demons
who were once young
and fresh
and relatively harmless
have gone on unchecked
for so long
that they are now
great pals
with my new demons
and with all of the constant
demands
and stress
and pressure
of day to day life
and wave after wave
of overwhelm
that I now need
to do something
about those old demons
so that I have a fighting chance
of being able to fend off
my new demons.

Some things are harder to do than others
and doing something hard
that you know will be but the first
of many
many
hard things
that offers
only more pain
with no guarantee
of success
or any relief at all
makes a hard thing
even harder.

But I have taken the first tiny step
and although I am dreading it
tomorrow I will take another tiny step
where I open myself up
for someone else to peer around inside
only to judge me
and to confirm my fears
or worse yet
to fail to confirm them
meaning that there isn't even
any hope.

But assuming there is hope
tomorrows "step"
really only equates to
the lifting of one foot
in the hope that there will be
something for it to come to rest on
before I can actually conside
myself to have taken a step at all
and there is pain in every movement
in every tensing
of every muscle
and with one foot off the ground
I have an even greater chance
of falling
again.

But what is the alternative?

Your Own

Some things
are easier than others
and some days
are easier than others, too.

Sometimes
blue days just happen
and sometimes
blue days turn into blue weeks
and while there are different shades of blue
having long periods of feeling
some shade of blue
is just no fun at all.

It is during these times
that our insecurities
are at their peak power.

We didn't feed them
but we do keep them
and when we are feeling blue
they like to grab at us
with both hands
and whisper into our ears
in a deafening
thunderous
roar.

They ask the questions
that cause the doubts
that we are not strong enough
to resist when we are feeling blue
and they perpetuate the cycle
and make us feel even more isolated
no matter how many people surround us
or even if we usually enjoy
quiet solitude
their roaring whispers
keep us from contentment
and churn us up inside
with feelings of worthlessness.

And where are your friends?
they whisper
Who cares how you are feeling?
What you are going through?
Are any friendships real anyway?

And every absence
from those who have their own
shades of blue days to deal with
and who have their own insecurities
and their own priorities
and demands on their lives
but who
nevertheless
are absent
feeds the doubts more and more
and the long dark tea time of the soul
stretches into the wee small hours
and you're left pondering
what to do
how to change
what mistakes you made
and knowing
that you get out what you put in
so suck it up princess
this is your reality
now go out there and live it
or sit here
in the dark
and fumble around
in the gloom
looking to others to save you
when you weren't even broken, lost or fallen
to begin with
you just allowed the wrong voices
more power than they deserve
when the only one
with any real power
is your own

Never Be

It's not good enough
and I can't make you
want to want
and nothing can repay
the debt that you owe
but whose keeping score
forever more
because it can only work
if neither of us keep count
but somehow
somethings
don't seem to add up
and there are little things that matter
and big things that matter more
and even though we're not keeping score
i still feel kinda ripped off
and i want to be able to tell you
how i feel
but i need to see
what decisions you make
over and over
that never place me first
or second
or even third
and even though i've never done this before
I'm pretty sure
that' I'm meant to be
in at least the top three
so why can't it be
that when you chose
you could possibly chose me
and when I look at things that way
it's just not good enough
and there is nothing that i can do
to change me
or to change you
and what is will ever be
and to me you will never be

In My Mind

I think I got it all wrong somewhere along the line.

Things that I thought were truths
turned out to be blind
ideals and now I find
that being kind
is not always being wise
and being wise
is sometimes folly
for although I have tried
to be open and honest
I now feel admonished
for opening myself
and calling you sister
when now that all is said and done
things that I thought were truths
missed the
point and missed the
time
which always moves on
from the time
when we made our promises
and I thought that you made your promises
because you believed in them
but your truths
changed
as your life
changed
and you moved on
because you needed to
but now you find
that those truths
were real
and those truths
expressed what you feel
behind the bravado and the pride
but I am so glad
to be welcoming you back
even though you are still not on track
but that you accepting
and you are seeking
what you lack
because it is part of all of us
and you are ready to turn back
to those truths
from that time
when you made your promises
and I made mine
for you are still my sister
and I am yours
and there is nothing
that will ever change that
in my mind.

Now or Ever

How can I
possibly tell you
how offended I am
how belittled I feel

betrayed
disrespected
and humiliated

when
if I did tell you
then the best case would be
that you really understood

which would only serve

to make you feel the same
as I feel now

and the worst case would be
that you didn't understand
or didn't care
or didn't accept
how your words
and attitude
and actions
and inactions
affect others

which would only serve
to make you angry at me
which is where the spiral of the end begins
and that is the last thing anyone wants
of that I am sure

On one hand
I know
that your words
and your thoughts
and your attitudes
are yours
and not mine
and the only power
they have over me
is the power
that I grant them

but you are my friend
and my sister
and when I open my heart to you
as a friend and a sister
I am opening myself
to the affects of your words
and your thoughts
and your attitudes

and I don't think
that you even realise
that you have caused me any pain
or upset
or insult
or injury

but you have


And because I do love you
and I don't want to hurt you
and I don't want to close off to you
then all I can do now
is continue to love you
as a friend and a sister
unconditionally
for who you are
and to know that
you have also been hurt

so whether you mean it or not
when you hurt me
you are only protecting yourself
and it is a result
of your own insecurities
which are things we all have

and I am sure
that my insecurities
have also played part
in how I feel
and have also played part
in things that I have said
and done

So for now
we can just both continue to grow
together
as friends and as sisters
and I wont need to work out
how I can possibly tell you
how offended I am
how belittled I feel
betrayed
disrespected
and humiliated

because I can love myself
unconditionally
for who I am

and when anyone else
whether they are a friend or sister
or whether they are a stranger
offends
belittles me
betrays me
disrespects me
and even humiliates me

it does not diminish that love
and that is the only thing
that I need to feed
or to give power to
now or ever

Not There

i close my eyes
at night
in the darkness
so there's no chance
that i could possibly see
what is not there

My Life

So many changes
such unusual energy
am being told that this is good
and am definitely seeing
and feeling
many, many improvements
and potential
where not so long ago
was an horrendous void
but am still trying
to get a proper hold
to sink my fingers in
and grip
to find security
amidst the change
that should be good
but somehow
all of the
dark moon energy
seems to be
overpowering
the new moon energy
so all of the promises
of positives
of what is about to be
still seems so distant
that it might as well be
a million light years away
as just around the corner
as is being promised
and even though i do believe
that this positive change
is close
and the negative energy
is definitely in the past
this is like a limbo
that might as well be
a void
because the good
and the positive
is not yet able to
permeate
through the thin veneer of sanity
to get to the heart
of the matters
which have held court
in the dark recesses
from which the shadows still lurk
and all around me
my logical eye
sees and knows
what is about to be
and it sees and knows
this is good
but at the same time
my feeling eye
sees and knows
that there is still much shadow
within us all
and that  our path
through the forrest
to the land of promises
is not a wide, smoothly-pathed highway
and we are not
riding in luxury cars or planes
but are being carried
by our own two feet
which are attached to the body
that we tend to take for granted
and prevent ourselves
from making the best progress possible
but when we look at what we have
and what we can do
and position our inner Self
so we are facing forward
and are prepared to simply
get on with the hard work
and the many arduous tasks
that are before us
without stopping to pay the same tolls
over and over again
for other people's choices
so we fail to collect
on the rewards of what we have done ourselves
of that many things we have achieved
and just knuckle down
and move on
then we are just making things
more difficult for ourselves.

So, awake I was
in the wee small hours of the morning
to work with theamazing energies
that are happening around us at the moment
with the new moon
and the solar eclipse
and all of the other changes
that are taking place with the astral bodies
that surround our planet
that affect us
as above
so below
and I have determined my focus
and have set my intension
before the divine
and as I create within
so I will create without
once this new energy
finally enters my life.

A Wonderful Thing

Six months ago
I wasn't ready
for this outcome.

The entire possibility
seemed so entirely impossible
but it became
very much a reality
very quickly
and for some
just too, too much.

But as heartbreaking a journey
this has been
for me
and for many whom I love dearly
my pragmatic side
is well and truly
in gear
and I am seeing
once again
the present
for what it is.

Necessary.

A strength to build upon.
The right time.

A new beginning.
Positive progress.
The reason and sense to all our yesterdays.

And as much as I
as well as many others I'm sure
wish it were different
the fact is
that it is not.

Could is have been different?
Absolutely!

But should it have been different?
No way.

When I look back
at the ages
and stages
and phases
of my life
and see the last few years
and the many
many
many
journeys I have been experiencing
and then I compare those
to the one I have been on
just in the last six month
when I have had to choose
to work towards
what so many times
seemed like an impossibility
and when my faith waned
my resolved strengthen
not because I thought
what I was doing
would effect the outcome
but because I was doing
what I believed in
and what I believe in still
regardless of the outcome
and even when questioning faith
I was still acting on my choices
and where there was little else
to have faith in
having faith in my own resolve.

And I can now say
that I have done all I could do
and so have you
and that is a wonderful thing
and should be rejoiced
not mourned
and we should be grateful
and I know you are
and I want you to know
that I am, too.

But truth be told
I am tired.

I am so tired
in so many aspects of my life
and there are some that I just have to
keep juggling
but this one
I now know
after the last few years
of training and study
that I can still juggle
but with much more
flexible boundaries
and I am still worried
that I will fail
but less worried
than I have been in the past
because these last few years
and particularly these last six months
have proven to me
what I had lost faith in
after years and years
of travelling
just a few feet off my true path
and that is
that I can choose.

So, today I choose
support
loyalty
friendship
to you
and to me
and while I may not be able to do that for you
exactly how you need me to
that means I can also recognise
that sometimes you may not be able to do that for me
exactly how I need you to
and through that
I see
that we are
truly
doing the best we can
and that is
truly
a wonderful thing.

The World Instead

So, after thinking I had things sorted out
I tried them on
and didn't like the way they felt either.

So am now even more confused.

And still in a constant state of overwhelm.

And now it's school holidays
and I have kids to entertain
and I have been taking on more and more
and all of the things I have been taking on
are things that I love
and things that I want to do
but I am feeling a little
well
you know
overwhelmed

and none of it is hard
it's just that one of the things
that I am struggling with
more than normal
at the minute
is motivation
just one of the side effects
that harmonises too well
with my natural tendencies

and I really feel like having a whinge
but I won't
because it would only really be seen as just that
a whinge
and wouldn't serve any constructive purpose

It's like I'm expecting people to read my mind
and thats not cool
and is really quite unfair
but that's how I feel
and I think it's better than whinging
so that's how I'm going to be

Other than confused and overwhelmed, that is.

So, it's time to put my head down
and my bum up
and just do what needs to be done.

I don't like Option A
and I don't like Option B
so I'll just have to change the world instead.

And Support

Looking at some of my past posts
I am even more grateful
for what they gave me at the time
in helping me to work through things
and also for what they are giving me now
which is clarity and affirmation.

Something that I have felt
in a much greater sense than normal
is how every experience you go through
becomes a resource that is available
in your present and your future.

Now I am seeing
why I have been given that message
so strongly
as now
I have worked through some
seemingly impossible lows
and I know there will be more to come
but those lows
have been preparation
for today
so that I can make the decision
that I have been avoiding
for far too long
but which I felt at the beginning of this year
I would make soon.

Well, now is soon enough.

So, the time has come, the Walrus said
to speak of other things.

And while I think that speaking of other things
seems like further avoidance
and also seems like
ignoring my own advice to seek support when I need it
I believe at the moment that it is necessary
and the best option
and I know that I will still seek support when I need it
but in this moment
the things I need to do
are things that only I can do
and I know that I am not alone
and I am grateful and content in that knowledge
because being independant
is not living in a tower alone
it is building the tower
that you choose to live in
and inviting those you love
and whose energy is good and healthy to be near
and who live in their own towers nearby
to come and visit you in your tower
and to build a sense of community
where we can all stand alone
yet at the same time stand as one
in a city of individual towers.

So, I'm building my tower now
have been, in fact, for some time now.

And it is not the best tower
but it is my tower
and I will honour it
as it will honour me
in strength
and silence
and solitude
and support.

As I Am

My recent soul-shaking existence
has become
*somewhat*
more steady of late.

It has been a really tough few weeks
and that's not something
I say (read: admit to)
often.

But, as part of my current process
that involves reassessing strength
I am trying to be more open
when I am not feeling strong
and
rather than taking it all on myself
because I am never comfortable
be a burden on others
and
because there are so many
drama queens
out there already so I don't think
that the world needs me being another one
I am trying to present it
to those who need to know
and to those who can help
with balance
and with honesty.

Usually I don't like to blog
or make any kind of public display
about my inner turmoil
but this time
I let some of it out.

Part of the problem is that
I don't always realise
how bad things are
until I start to get better.


But this time was really intense
and I was scared
and was in the most extreme
state of overwhelm
(as opposed to the standard state of overwhelm
in which I usually exist)
that I was forcing myself
to count putting a washed and dried frying pan
away in the cupboard
as a victory
an achievement
so I would have even just one little thing
that I could count as something I had done that day.

And yet
through all this
I managed to function
and do so many things
that no matter how much
I resent the label at time
I must be strong
even when I no longer want to be
and even when I have so little belief in myself
to think that such a label could be in any way deserved
I am strong
if for no other reason
than because I am still here.

And I don't need reinforcement of that label.

And I don't need *hugs*.

And I don't need anything at this time
other than acceptance
without judgement
and without the transposing of other people's thoughts across my actions
as my actions are my own
and your thoughts are your own
and there is usually
so little understanding
or so much tainting from your beliefs and experiences
that rarely does the latter
have even the slightest resemblance to the former.

So, strong I am,
and strong I will be
for, now, even when
I don't feel strong
or I don't want to be strong
that is a strength in itself
and that is something that I accept
as part of me
that exists beyond ego
and rejects all energy
that looks upon that strength
in ignorance
and sees
anything other than something
to be proud of
and grateful for.

As I am.

Whatever

Examining faith.

Yes

I know

there is a problem there already.

Faith *should* exist

in the absolute absence

of examination.

Meh, whatever.

Enough Already

My unfaithful friend and companion
returned again on the weekend
so suddenly
and unexpectedly
and with profoundly dire implications
on my whole existence
and ability to function
to a degree
that I have never experienced before.

Like a tornado
he blew in
and left a trail
of devastation and destruction
within me
that I didn't think possible
especially considering
all of the excellent progress
I had been making on so many levels
but
he just had to have his say
and that he did
in no uncertain terms
and with no fluffing around the issues.

At least I can rely on him
to always tell it like it is
and even though he is a harsh judge
there is a cold truth in all he has to say.

Then
staying true to the tornado metaphor
he was gone
as suddenly as he came.

I didn't feel him come
and I didn't feel him go
but I knew when he was present
and when he wasn't.

And once he was gone
I was raw
and a little numb
and could start to look at
the damage that had been done
and to consider rebuilding
where just hours before
I never would have thought
that rebuilding of any kind
was even the most remotest of possibilities.

Today
I started the day
at 10pm last night
after three or four hours sleep
and I have been awake since.

I feel like I am in shock
like having been in a car accident
where the car is a crumpled mess
but I have been able to crawl out of it
and walk away
not completely unscathed
but certainly alive
and realising what a near miss I had just had.

Now I continue with the knowledge
that even when I feel he is far away
and safely chained up
that I will never be
completely impervious to his attacks.

That is a reality.

And as distasteful
a house-guest
he is
he must serve a purpose.

This time
some of my core beliefs
have taken a battering
and have been left so
bruised and swollen
that I barely recognise them any more.

Perhaps this was the purpose of this visit.

Just so more things to work through
like I didn't have enough already.E

The Only Way

Sliding backwards
or downwards
is often
as subtle a process
as the slow ascent
back up from where you were.

This is me at the moment.

I'm still scared
to look back over my shoulder
and to see that place
where I have been
for longer than I could
really acknowledge.

The presence of that place
seems to nip at my heels
and just as a simple carelessness
like an untied shoelace
can serve to trip me up as I move forward
it can also provide
something for that place at my heels
to grab onto
to sink its teeth into
until it can get a good bight of my flesh
and re-start the process of my dismemberment.

And it may only take
a snag of a stray shoelace
or perhaps only even
a moment of hesitancy
as I glance back over my shoulder
and that monster of a place
may once again become my best friend.

So, I'm doing my best
not to go there
and am taking things
day by day
and taking down the wall
brick by brick
and moving along my path
step by step.

Because that really is the only way.

Until You Say Goodbye

Hearing
a lot
in lyrics
particularly
those that appear
through synchronicities.

I'm not sure
if this is the case
for everyone
but my PlayList hasn't worked
for a while now.

And then today
it started working.

The first song it played
was "Affirmation"
by Savage Garden.

It's a great
positive
uplifting
song.

Here are the lyrics:

"I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do
I believe that beauty magazines promote low self esteem
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy
I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold

I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair
I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed
I believe that God does not endorse TV evangelists
I believe in love surviving death into eternity

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye"

It Seems

Something superficial
is required
it seems.

Something superficial
is something safe
and something safe
is required
it seems.

Moving slowly
carefully
but not carefully enough
it seems.

Trying not to feel
not to open the gates
because then
I will need
my own hands
to be the gates
and I will hold them close
against my face
and try to keep them closed
but once those gates are opened
it is just
too late
it seems.

Sitting on the precipice
where it is not safe
but it is also
not plummeting
completely
and utterly
out of control
all the way
to the bottom
so therefore
must be
some level of control
in an uncontrolled
sort of way
it seems.

Looking around
and seeing wonderful things
and knowing gratitude
but somehow
not really feeling it
like it sits on the surface
or maybe it sits in the depths
but somehow
it doesn't fill the space
in between the surface
and the depths
where I am
on the precipice
and so
I know things
like gratitude
but somehow
I don't really feel them
it seems.

Here there is no comfort
there is just survival
there is fear
but I am able
to block that out
as well
or maybe
I am not blocking it out at all
maybe
the fear
is also
not able to get
in between
the surface
and the depths
to where I am
and so
I am spared
the fear
as well
it seems.

But I know it's there.

And it knows I'm here.

And it waits.

And it watches.

While I rock
carefully
on the precipice
and I try to work out
what things
I need to throw
over the edge
to plummet their way
to the bottom
and I try to work out
which direction
I need to throw those things
when I finally work out
what those things are
because
if I throw the wrong things
or if I throw the right things
in the wrong direction
then I am sure
I will upset
whatever balance
there currently is
and then
I may not
be able to even see the precipice
on which I now sit
and feel unsafe
and uncomfortable
as much
that is
as I can feel these things
it seems.

But it is a precipice
because there are highs
and they are wonderful
and some of them lately
have shown more of me
the real me
than I have seen
in a very long time
and it was
wonderful
amazing
inspiring
to see me
the real me
but it was so short lived
although that glimpse
was so very worth it
if only
there wasn't the formidable
and unstoppable
swing of the pendulum
that never seems to find its level
and makes me doubt
that there even is a level at all
it seems.

So now you will find me
sitting on the precipice
my precipice
and I ask you
to forgive me
my self-indulgent
aloneness
and I ask you
just to think of me
now and then
and send me a blessing
over the air
that will reach me
where I sit
up so high
ready to fall
or to fly
it seems.

At The Moment

Am in a
very strange place
at the moment.

Not a bad place.
Not a good place.
Not even an indifferent place.

Just strange.

I'm sure
I will know more about it
once I have moved on
but for now
I will just be here
and see what there is to see.

There are very small things
that are playing over in my mind.

Daily things.
Mundane things.

That don't seem to be of any consequence
but which stay with me
until I say them out loud
and sometimes
even after that as well.

A neighbour who I've never met before
whose son is often here
who came here looking for him yesterday.

One of my cat's being deaf
and me worrying about
the practical side
of that transition
but also worrying about
what she makes of it
and particularly worrying about
whether she thinks
that I have stopped talking to her.

An unanswered text message
to my sister.

A dream of a member of my family
from whom I am estranged
who appeared behind me
and who I snapped and swore at
and who then laughed
and said he missed me
and everything was okay
and then meeting someone
in real life
the next day
with the same name
but with no other connection
to me
or my family
other than to serve to keep the dream
fresh in my mind.

Other ideas
that I do nothing with.

Twenty-fours hours in a day
the same for everything
the only thing
that is truly equal
in the lives of
every creature
on this planet.

But where do they go?

And why do my
thoughts and feelings
on each of those
twenty-four hours
change so rapidly
and through so many degrees.

Simple pleasures
that turn into addictions
and create sloth
and seem to sap the pleasure
out of so many other pleasures
so that when even the smallest accomplishment
is finally and actually accomplished
there is such pleasure
in this
stupid
boring
mundane
inane
and sometimes even insane
thing
that the sense of accomplishment
dwindles
so far
and so greatly
and so rapidly
that it would have been better
had it never existed
at all.

Did I mention
already
that I was in
a very strange place
at the moment?

The Self

Are you taking the time
to create the things today
that you can look back on tomorrow
and say,
"yes! That is where I was then,
and this is where I am now,
and I received messages then
that I needed for my future,
which is finally
my present"?

Ok, so this *exact* phrasing
is probably not *that* likely,
but when you think of it
isn't is really
quite relevant?

What can you find
in and around your home
and your families homes
that reminds you
of a time
and a place
in which you once
existed?

What can you find
in and around your life
that reminds you
of a time
that once was
but is
and can be
no longer?

You have progressed,
yes,
but how do you know this?

How do you see this?

How do you measure this?

And,
most importantly,
how do you learn from this?

PERTH - INITIATION
RAIDO - JOURNEY
ANSUZ - SIGNALS
DAGAZ - BREAKTHROUGH
EHWAZ - MOVEMENT
THURISAZ - GATEWAY
MANNAZ - THE SELF

It's Not

Am thinking about
broken promises.

Have been thinking about
broken promises
for a few weeks now.

Trying to get perspective
because one day
I looked around
and that was all I saw.

But that wasn't the thing
that I needed to
get perspective
about.

The thing that I really struggled with
was that
in my truest of hearts
where my character was born
and nurtured
despite all I experience
I saw these broken promises
and kind of thought
that they were ok
when what I thought I should think
was that they were an abomination
and that they reflected poorly
on all those who made promises
and chose to break them.

But even after weeks of thought
I can see
that this simply isn't true.

It's still hard for me to say
but broken promises can be
perhaps
a bad thing
but it is a
worse thing
to stand by a promise
that does you more dishonour
than would be the case
once that promise
is broken.

The reality is
that the world is mutable
and people need to also
move in this state of flux
sometimes
if they are going to survive
both on the outside
as well as on the inside
and that breaking a promise
can actually still be done
with honour.

Whether someone else
chooses
to see the honour in that
today
or tomorrow
or ten years down the track
well, that's up to them.

So, to all of the people
whose broken promises
have come to sit for a spell
with me
in my heart
and in my head
I thank you
for helping me in my lessons on
empathy
respect
understanding
patience
compassion
release
honesty
adaptability
support
forgiveness
and unconditional love.

But
thank you
most of all
for helping me in my lessons on
being true to myself
and being able to make
my own choice
in the here and now
and knowing
that everyone is just doing their best
at the time
and that includes me.

This is not to say
that it is ok
for a first option
to be to opt for the easy out
(because we all know there are no easy outs)
and break our promises.

It is also not to say
that we create an
image of perfection
that cannot possibly be maintained
when we make a promise
so we should therefore
not make promises at all
what a terrible world
it would be
without any promises at all.

But, we do have to be realistic
about the role and purpose of promises.

When we make a promise
we are saying,
"this is how I hope it will be"
and this is always something
we should work towards
but
as with everything in life
when we consider out choices
we do so with all of the new knowledge
that we acquire each day
and we need to apply that new knowledge
to our promises
whether they were to someone we love
or to someone we once loved
or to someone we never loved
or even to ourselves
and if we have learned something
and it makes us realise
that hard as it may be
our promises no longer serve us
or those around us
we need to make a better choice today.

We can do this
and still wish we felt
like we did when we made that promise
in the first place
but we can't just keep a promise
for the sake of the promise
because
a promise needs to have substance
otherwise
it is just words
and we don't live in a world of words
we live in a world of actions
and we each get to chose our own actions
in each instance
every moment of the day.

So, whether I make a promise to myself
to give up junk food
or if I make a promise to my child
that I will never let anyone break their heart
of if I make a promise to my sister
that I will stand beside her on this journey
and then circumstances change
and my priorities in life change
and what I need more than the comfort
of the words in that promise
is to honour my self and my heart
and for the person I made the promise to
to do the same
then it is ok
if I do it the right way
and lead with my heart
as best I can at the time
to break that promise
and live in love
truth
and light
always.

And the same
for when
someone else
breaks their promise
to me.

And I can wish it were different
but it's not.

Looking After Me

Yesterday
was a reminder
of God's placement and timing.

This is something I often think about
but yesterday gave me
a very powerful
message
on the difference
that a change of 30 seconds
either faster or slower
could make in your life.

Yesterday
I saw something
that I think we all know
and exist with every day
but easily come complacent about
and take for granted
because to do otherwise
would be to live in complete fear
and an absence of faith and trust in God
which is not how we are meant to live.

Yesterday
I clearly saw before
the string of events behind me
the choices I made
and the realisation that these choices
seemed even at the time
to be much more conscious
than normal
and which placed me
in exactly the right position
at exactly the right moment
to make a very point
that was potentially horrendous
but which turned out to be
nothing more than inconvenient.

Yesterday
I saw that when I chose to stop and get petrol when I did
it was part of the workings of this lesson
and when I chose the activities for the day
the visits
the chats
the speed
the lane changes
all of it was to make sure
I was in the exact place that I was
when I was.

Yesterday
I was grateful that I was 100% in the right
and that no one was seriously hurt
and that only the necessary people were involved
and that there were no darker sides of human personalities displayed
and that I have friends who I can call on at a moments notice who can support me in the face of any changes.

Yesterday
I was travelling on the highway at about 80kms
when someone a few cars ahead
chose to attempt a u-turn at a break in the road that is clearly posted no u-turn
due to the the bend in the road and the crest of the hill and the 90km speed limit
and I slowed when I saw their brake lights
and I slammed on my brakes when I saw that they had actually stopped in the right hand lane at this stupidly dangerous place
but then the cars in front started moving again
and were going to move enough for me not to hit them
and then I didn't hit them
but then I looked in my rear vision
and saw the young red p-plate girl who was behind me
who had just been through the same revelations as I had moments before
but will less time as she came upon them closer to the exit of the turn
and with me closer to her than the cars in front were to me
and then she hit me
and I remember being flung forward
and back
and forward
and still seeing that I wasn't going to hit anyone
and looking up at her in my rear
and seeing her car skid to the left into part of the other lane
and seeing behind her that no one was going to hit her
and stopping my car
and checking that she was ok
and realising that I was ok
and moving the cars off the road
and thanking God that no one was hurt
and because it could have been so much worse
in the blink of an eye
with the smallest change in choices
but it wasn't
and for that I am grateful.

Yesterday
with a change of 30 seconds
someone could have been seriously injured
or they could have died
of the whole thing might never have happened
but then I wouldn't have learnt the lessons
of yesterday.

Not all lessons are that dramatic
but our todays and yesterdays are filled with them
and they are all available for us to learn from
and I am so grateful that I am reminded of that
as I have been reminded so many times before
which are all currently at the forefront of my mind
powerfully
but with the knowledge that God is in control
and is looking after me.

When You Find It

Sometimes I am lost
and sometimes I am found;
I believe this is true of everyone at some point.

Today, I am found.

We often ask for signs,
some of us
more often than others,
but we also often
fail to see them when they are delivered.

Our heads
and our hearts
are in constant conflict.

This world makes us strive towards the practical
but
it makes us think
that the practical
is mutually exclusive
with the inspirational
and it is the inspirational
that is the reason for our existence
so there is no reason
why we can't make it
practical as well.

We can make anything happen.

So many times
have improbable things
seemed like
impossible things,
but
there is a
huge
huge
huge
difference
between improbable
and impossible.

Science tries to dictate the rules of life,
but life exists
whether science can explain it
or not.

We should always try to understand
more and more
about life
and the natural laws
of creation
but we should never allow
our current understanding
to limit
the potential for
our future understanding.

There are things
we cannot explain.

Some of them we believe,
some of them we don't.

But before we decide
we should practice
being open
to the possibilities.

Look for more
and you will find it.

Look for good
and you will find it.

Look for love
and you will find it.

Are you conscious
of what you are looking for?

And are you ready
when you find it?

Recovery

This year again proves to be a year of surprises.

I seem to be
finding
more and more ways
to be me.

Ways that have always been
but all of a sudden
become immediate
and I have to do them
in order to feel
like I am
honouring myself.

Today was one of those days.

A thought popped into my head
maybe a week ago
or maybe it was a lifetime ago
one that I have had a
love/hate relationship with
for as long as I can remember;
in hindsight,
perhaps that was because
it was always going to be
and now that it is
it feels so good
so empowering
and so right.

Surely I am overreacting.

Whatever the case
I felt the feeling
then I got the sign
then I took the action
and I am me
and that makes me a force to be reckoned with.

Yes, I am definitely overreacting.

But me I am
and
I am me
and I have been walking around
with a smile
like the cat who got the cream.

I am inwardly
and outwardly
so pleased
about something so common
but the timing is so right
as to make it
so special
for me
and that makes me happy.

But at the same time
it is also so sad
that at such strong time
I am so acutely aware
of friends
who feel
like strength
is a mere echo
of a memory
in the fleeting
hallows
of a struggle
that is more real
than any reality ever known
forever and ever
because it is their reality now
and no-one
can ever underestimate that.

So to my friends,
I have you in my prayers
and in my thoughts
and in my heart.

I love you
just for who you are
and I don't know
how this will
evolve
but
evolve it will
and my positive energy
is at work
and may the strength
I am feeling just for this afternoon
serve to charge
your needs
and be part
of your recovery.

Not Quite

Am waking up
exhausted
and this morning
woke up
with a headache.

How does that happen?

Busy dreams
I can remember if I try
but not for long
and I don't even have the energy
to try most of the time
and I don't think that it is necessary
to remember them
which is very different
to what I usually think.

Transcending,
yes.

I don't believe
that astral travel
should make you tired.

I believe
that astral travel
should allow your physical body
an escape
and a chance
to thoroughly relax
but perhaps the intent
needs to be applied beforehand
and as I still don't even know
if that is where I have been
of a night lately
I therefore had no warning
that I was possibly going there
so could not prepare.

I may try it tonight anyway.

This is what I have been asking for
this is what I have been inviting in
and I am happy that I am progressing
and I don't feel fear
or anxiety
or even real curiosity
just a comfortably knowing
that I am where I am meant to be
in the ways that matter
for me
at the moment.

Am feeling
exceptionally unmotivated
on a physical level
making me think
that I am very lazy
but making me hope
that I need this
inactivity
on a physical level
so I can do the work
I need to do
on a spiritual level.

I have work to do today.

I look around me and see
just little things
that I know I can do
but somehow struggle to do
just little things
that seem like enormous things
and I just want to sleep some more
and go where I need to be in my dreams.

I have no appetite for the real world at the moment
and the more I struggle with this
the less interested I am
in the things I see around me
and I sleep soundly
though my mind is active
and I feel so drawn
to sleep
and so close
to greater understanding.

And even still
there is something
that keeps me from climbing
into bed
each night
although
I'm still getting
six or seven
hours sleep
each night
I know I could easily do
ten or twelve
and I'm not
particularly enjoying
wasting time
awake
and I am
particularly enjoying
sleep
even though it is busy
and tiring
at the moment
but still I don't want to let go
of the day that was.

Why would this be?

I almost accept
that I will never know
and never understand.

Almost
that is
but not quite.